Jason was happy big baby, weighing over 20 pounds at his death at ten months old of SIDS. Jason loved his brother and his sister; there was such joy in his eyes when they played with him. Jason always had a heart-melting grin for anyone who would make him a silly face. At 7 /12 months of age he decided that he was big enough that he no longer needed mommy to feed him...Everytime I tried to spoon feed him baby food he would spit it back out at me and just laugh and laugh. Even though he didn't have his first tooth yet he loved to eat "real food". One of his all time favorites was peanutbutter and jelly sandwhiches...he would eat 1/2 of a sandwhich and fruit.

Jason also had a great love of animals. I think the only reason he learned to crawl was so he could get the kitty! There was a time we met a lady who had four Great Danes and he cried when those big dogs stopped paying attention to him.He laughed the hardest when they were licking his face.

His dads favorite memory of Jason is when he got to ride in the tractor with him. The time we as a family ride in the tractor with him is very important to him and he loves the times when the kids go with him. My favorite times with Jason were the times that we rocked in the rocking chair. Most of the time I rocked him to sleep. I just loved so much him snuggling in, smelling him and holding him while he slept.

A part of me died when I found him dead in his crib. I miss him so much. My whole outlook in life has changed and so have my priorties. It has made our marriage stronger and us better parents. We realize that the time with our kids is so important. I have found an inner strength in myself that I didnt know I had. I'm very proud to say that I have gotten up everyday and showered. I thank God for Andrew and Hayley, they are the reasons that I have chosen to live and attempt to go on.

Everyone was totally shocked when Jason died. He was so healty and we thought he was out of the danger zone for SIDS. Our parents are doing the best they can to be supportive and let us know that they are there when ever we need them.

The way Russell and I cope is that we understand he's gone and we never expect to get over him dying, just learning to live with the fact that he died. There is one phrase that he have a put a lot of our grief into....His spirit was meant to fly. We had that put on his headstone. The kids miss their brother very much, talking about him and asking for another baby. While they don't totally understand death, they do understand that he's gone. We have our good days and bad days. We all just miss him so.

The only holiday that has come is Easter. We went to the cemetary and talked with him. I think about all the firsts that he accomplished more on those important days. His first birthday is a few days away and we plan on taking him some balloons. I plan on letting the kids each let one go so Jason can get it in heaven. I feel cheated that we have to celebrate his first birthday at the cemetary and not with him.

The things that have worked best for me is talking to other moms. Talk Talk Talk!! It helps me so much. I have also found great comfort in knowing that we arent the only ones who have lost children. Dont be afraid to ask for help...we can only make it down this path if we lean on and help each other

Jason, my sweet angel baby, I miss and love you so much! I know you are being our guardian angel. I cant wait for the day I get to touch you and rock you again.

love
mumma