Time wears everything down. Hopes become feeble, perceptions dull. Slowly even the mind remains just a storehouse of broken, distorted and lifeless memories.
One day a beautiful-coloured bird had flown in and nestled in my mind. It had carried with it bright tidings of joy. Taking a cue from that radiance, my mind had also danced in joy. It had made me want to leave this world and take wings to a fairy-tale world of dreams and fantasies.
I had believed that bird to be long dead. But suddenly I found in the slight flutter of its wings, a weak sign of life. My mind danced again.
"Hello, Jayshree!"
"Rajatda!"
It seemed as if we were about to re-enact an old scene. Jayshree looked fuller and more beautiful now. I looked at her face with admiring eyes. The bird broke out into a song spontaneously.
"Where from?"
"I had come for my cousin’s wedding. I also had some work at the University. I’ve been waiting here for quite a while now, but goodness me, how crowded these buses are. Is there some major event in Guwahati today? Every single bus seems to be packed far beyond capacity."
"There is no need for anything special to happen. This is the usual scene. Where do you have to go?"
"Chandmari."
"Come with me."
"But where are you going?"
"We’ll talk about that later. Now get in. There is a lot to talk about", I said, opening the door on my left.
But Jayshree did not get to sit in the front seat next to me. For just then, Professor Deka came rushing towards me and asked. "Are you going to Guwahati? I will also come with you in your car."
Without wasting any more words, he came into the car through the door that I was holding open for Jayshree and seated himself beside me. I somehow restrained an audible sigh as I asked Jayshree to sit at the rear. I do not remember a word of what Professor Deka kept blabbering about, non-stop, all the way to town.
When we reached Panbazar, Jayshree asked me to stop the car.
"But you said you were going to Chandmari?"
"I have a friend in Panbazar. I’ll visit her before going home."
"Are you going towards Chandmari? Today is my lucky day. I also need to go to Chandmari."
The bird dropped dead again.
* * * * *
I had gone to stay with my sister after finishing my BA exams. The ecstasy of freedom had made me very light-hearted and romantic. My mind had become an inexhaustible storehouse of colour, enough to paint the whole world in gay hues. It was then that I had met Jayshree.
She used to visit my sister’s home every evening. I was ready to fall in love with the whole world then. I fell in love with her. I believed she liked me too. Immediately, the world got transfigured, my perceptions also got transformed. She existed, therefore the world existed. She was also the reason why there was music and beauty, and the possibility to get drunk on them. My two eyes seemed to find their way towards a source of radiance, and my whole mind became irradiated in a festival of light.
Jayshree would come once every evening. I do not remember the precise details of how we gradually came closer to each other. There is no need to remember all that either. How two hearts can be attracted towards each other, unknowingly, involuntarily. It was then that I had found, for the first time, some special meaning in being alive, a sense of achievement. The days went by in a pleasant day-dream, in eager, impatient anticipation of Jayshree’s next visit.
In her eyes, I discovered a new form for my being, a new reason for my very existence. Then, a beautiful bird came and built her nest in my mind. Every now and then, the bird would break out into rapturous song, spontaneously, without reason, unable to contain her happiness. Song, song and song. There was music within my mind, there was music in the world outside, the reverberation of the music began to echo and re-echo in distant planets. A glorious multi-coloured explosion of light brightened the firmament.
My mind would leap up in joy, without reason; my voice would sing a joyful tune, without reason; my entire being was enveloped in waves of melody.
"After stealing my heart..."
My sister would interrupt me. "Worry about who stole your heart later. Now have your bath and get ready for lunch."
Rain, rain. It was raining incessantly since morning.
"Silly to have a wedding in such terrible weather", my sister grumbled as she left for a neighbour’s joron.
I felt dampened. Jayshree won’t come today. She knows that my sister will definitely go for the joron. But still my mind would not accept it. It would not stop hoping, it would not give up its impatient, eager wait. Despite the cacophony of the rain, all my faculties seemed to get concentrated in my two ears, waiting to hear the familiar expected sound.
Why should she come, that too in the rain, when she knows that my sister will not be at home? She isn’t mad. But my mind refused to listen to any reason. What unsteady quivering of hope, what unbearable longing...
Suddenly I sensed her presence. I opened the door, not waiting for her to knock, and stood before her. Although she had brought an umbrella, she was completely drenched.
"Isn’t your sister home yet?"
"She’ll be back soon. Come in, sit down."
I could not finish that sentence properly. In my trembling rapturous state, even this simple sentence got stuck in my throat. What irresistible force had compelled her to visit us even today? The radiance seemed to blind me.
After having arrived, she seemed a little hesitant, somewhat embarrassed, even a little frightened.
"I should go then."
Her voice sounded very sad. She looked very weak and helpless then. My entire being convulsed with the pangs of unbearable love.
"Do sit down, for a little while. My sister won’t be back now. I mean, she will be back shortly."
I got muddled in my speech again. Slowly, in very steady steps, she came into the room. She seemed very tired. As if she had realized that there was not much point left in struggling against her fate. She needed rest now. As if she would be happy if she could bury her face in somebody’s chest.
There was no mirth today in her usually happy face. A dark shadow of some unknown fear. As if something was pulling her from behind, even while something more powerful was propelling her forward. One step, then another, and then another doubt-filled uncertain footstep.
"Goodness me, what rain! Who is at home?"
Both of us were rudely jolted out of our reverie. Closing his umbrella Mahendramama asked again, "Your sister is not at home. Where has she gone?"
When he learnt that no one else was at home, he seemed to get very agitated.
"If nobody is at home, then what are you two doing in this empty house?" He looked at us with eyes blazing with suspicion and went in. Suddenly, the world changed shape again. Even the air seemed to get polluted.
Without saying a word to anyone, she went away. She did not even pause to think that a different meaning could be imputed to her leaving abruptly like that. Maybe she did not even care about what others thought. She did not come back the next day, nor the day after. She did not visit my sister’s home even once, in all the days I stayed there after then. The bird died in agony.
