In my humble opinion bumper sticker are the best invention since sliced turkey. You know, that really thin kind. A bumper sticker will turn the back side of your car into a rolling billboard giving advise to all as you cruse the highway of life. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times that the timely advise contained upon a bumper sticker has saved my stupid ass! Like the time I was driving along being really mad about the direction in which our country was headed, when all of a sudden this asshole pulls out in front of me and proceeds to poke along at 20 miles per hour. Well, I started thinking; If this asshole is stupid enough to be in a hurry to go slow, then he’s probably also stupid enough to have voted for the pinhead who’s screwing up our country! So I ease up a bit to get close enough to pop a cap at his ass, when just in time I read: “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For The Other Dude!” Another time I was driving along and I was sorta confused. I mean I knew we had a war going on but I could not decide. Should I be supporting our troops or them enemy troops? But the next car that passed my retarded ass, that’s right, it had that bumper sticker. It said “Support Our Troops! I said shit! That’s exactly what I’m gonna do! I will never again support them enemy troops! I lived in Louisiana most of my life, and I discovered that in Louisiana it’s a good idea to put on your political bumper stickers AFTER the election. You wait and see who wins, then you put the winners bumper sticker on your car. By doing this not only can you avoid retribution, you might also be able to parlay it into an advantage. You say, “Hey there Mr. Sheriff; check out my bumper sticker! I voted for you! I supported yore monkey ass! Now how about a little help getting my grandma outa jail? Yeah, in Louisiana politics are vindictive and crooked. I wrote a little poem about this. I hope you like it. Louisiana has its bayous and boats; it’s also the state where dead peoples vote. If our dead can dig out of their graves— the voting lines to brave— then you and I got no reason that’s valid for not going to the polls to cast our ballots. Yeah, in Louisiana even the tombstones have political stickers on ‘em. “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For The Other Guy TWICE! He Was The Pro-Afterlife Candidate!” ********** Bumper stickers I’d like to see: "My child is a trustee at the Angolia State Prison." ********** "My child is grown but still lives at home." ********** Bumper stickers are THE way to be successful. For example; why is the United States of America the richest and most powerful country in the world? It's because all those bumper stickers that say, "God Bless America." Without those bumper stickers we'd be as poor as Mexico. And when is the last time you saw a bumper sticker that said, "God Bless Poland?" I rest my case! ********** For 27 years of my life I was a school teacher. Since retiring I find I really miss those days. Reminiscing, here is a poem that I wrote during my days as a school teacher. I hope you like it. After class one day I heard a student say That I was a "mother fucker!" I told him, "No Way!" But then at a PTA meeting I changed my mind. I met that kid's momma and she was really fine! That taught me a lesson; now when called this obscenity, I ask to see a picture before I disagree! Yeah, those were the days! The children would call me a “Motherfucker” and I’d have ‘em bring in pictures of their mommas so I could assign ‘em a spot on my Mother Fucking Waiting List. Now I don’t have a waiting list, so I do volunteer work as a Surrogate Mother Fucker! ********** When I was a kid my dad bought our first gasoline powered lawn mower. And it became my job to mow our lawn each week in Spring, Summer and Fall. One day my next door neighbor suffered a mild heart attack and when he returned from the hospital, he asked my dad if he could pay me to mow his yard. My dad responded that his yard was small and that I would be glad to mow it for free. Upon hearing this my friends and I started discussing this idea and we jokingly came upon the idea that since people were always saying it was a "small world," that it wouldn't be long before my dad had me mowing it. With that thought in mind I wrote this poem. For a while I took it out of my collection because a famous comedian had a line similar. But in fact I had the idea first, here it is: It is a small world, this is true we all know it. But I would not volunteer to mow it. ********** This poem is based upon a true story. I drove home from work in a cold, winter storm. My cat crawled under the hood of my car to keep dry and warm. I got back into my car to drive to the store. I do not have that cat any more. ********** This poem is not based upon a true story. I met a mime who bothered me so that I decided he had to go. So I went looking for a hit man to kill the mime. But I couldn't find one-- it was too terrible a crime. Why does killing a mime cause hit men such distaste? It is because a mime is a terrible thing to waste. ********** This