I was going through some stuff in my attic a while back and found my old Funk & Wagnall’s Standard Desk Dictionary. As I thumbed through the pages, I came across the definition for the word “religion.” It was defined as, "The beliefs, attitudes, emotions, behavior, etc., constituting man's relationship with the powers and principles of the universe..." And I thought, how ironic that philosophies which are supposed to guide us in harmony with the powers and principles of the universe, have instead given us a reason to fight. Philosophies which should have given us world peace, have instead given us war after war after war! It has been said that war over religious differences is like fighting over who has the best invisible friend. Given that we have fought for centuries over “invisible friends,” there would appear to be little hope for real world peace. But is it religious differences over which we fight, or are we destined to fight and religion just happens to be a reason to do so? Is there something in our constitution which compels us to fight, and we fight over religious differences simply because they are there? If religion suddenly vanished, would we look around to find something else over which to fight? Yes, we probably would, but at great cost to our self-esteem. Fighting over God is noble. The other things over which we might fight would seem trivial and stupid; and fighting over them would make us feel trivial and stupid. ********** An area of the world where fighting has for so long occurred because of religion is the Middle East. So many bombs, grenades, and shell have exploded there that they call it the “holy land.” All three major religions have staked claims here. The conflict in this region today is between the state of Israel and almost all of its neighbors. It is time for this conflict to end. A while back I was visiting friends in Mt. Driskell, Louisiana. One morning as I climbed Mt. Driskell, I prayed for world peace. This was actually just a ploy to fool God into thinking that I was a selfless person before I asked for the stuff that I really wanted. But suddenly, I saw an apparition--a Burning Bush (George W. I believe), drinking a Bush beer while hiding behind an Anheuser Bush filled with lovely Anheuser berries. Then, all at once, the Bushes burst into flames! And as they burned God spoke to me from the flames. God said, “Hey, DB. S’up?” I said, “The price of Gas, lord.” “Nope,” God said, “The answer I was looking for was ‘stalactites’.” And I said, “God, do you think I’m a caveman? And God spoke again, changing the subject, “DB, you know any Jews?” “Yep, a couple,” I said. Tell them they can have Alabama as their new home land,” God said. I replied, “Ok, I’ll tell ‘em.” And I thought, “Wow! What a great idea! Give the Jewish people Alabama to be their new homeland and all fighting in the Middle East would stop! And Jews are really smart people and New Israel would make a good neighbor for us; I think. And, Alabama could certainly use some improving. But then I started thinking that maybe God was trying to trick me. It’s not like he hasn’t done this before. Would Alabamians simply relocate so as to give the Jews a new homeland as God requested, or would they fight to keep what was previously theirs? So I returned to Mt. Driskell to talk with God again just to be sure. And God said, “Read my lips! Alabama shall be New Israel! Alabamians love me more than any other people. In fact, they worship me! They will willingly give up their state without a fight because it is my will that they do so!” Then God ask me, “What do you call a person who loves their enemies, forgives them, and turns the other cheek?” “A Christian,” I said. God said. “Wrong! The answer I was looking for was ‘pussy’!” ********** The next day I again climbed Mt. Driskill as I had a great idea to discuss with the almighty. He had just finished target practice with his AK 48 and was stretching before his first set of bench presses. Then God said unto me, “spot me on this set.” I pointed to him and said, “There you are God, right there on that bench.” God then called me a name that I shall not repeat. I said, “God, I’ve got this great idea!” “Psychic breast reading again?" asked God. “No, a really good idea for world peace.” “You amuse me, pilgrim,” God said. “Spot me on these militaries!” “Uh, there you are with that barbell in your hands!" I replied. Then God spoke, “Idiot! I, God almighty did not create stupidity. You, pilgrim, are not stupid, you simply lack intelligence.” I said, “uh What?” “Never mind,” God said. "It was just some clever little word game someone sent me in an email. You're not smart enough to understand it. Now what is your big idea?” I told him, "What if we started by building the world’s strongest military and developed military technology which would not only deter human evil, but could deflect asteroids and comets which might hit and destroy our planet." “Ok" said God. "I’m with you so far." I continued, "We could stop bullying other countries and use our money to build the best infrastructure in the world, provide universal health care, add a lane to every interstate highway, build high speed rail transportation, improve education, and fund scientific research. And we should try to become as wealthy as possible, so that like Bill Gates, we could soon practice charity on a grand scale. And we could use our wealth for extreme emergencies like tidal waves, earthquakes, hurricanes, asteroids, UFOs and the like. In short, we make ourselves the greatest nation to have ever existed, and be a good example to all nations and all people!" I ranted on, "and by the way we gotta get prayer out of our schools. Those 15 year old boys do not need to be having sex with those hot 25 year old female teachers!" “But that is one of your favorite prayers!" said God. I replied, "I know but I’m 63 now and what would it hurt to have sex with a hot 25 year old teacher. I like sex. And that’s unusual 'cause usually I only like things I’m good at. And she could close her eyes. May I continue?" "Why not?" God replied. "Then what if we recognized and apologized for the wrongful things we have done to others. For example, we could apologize to Colombia for arming the revolution that essentially gave us the land for the Panama Canal. We could ask their forgiveness and if there was any moral and productive way that we could work with them to improve the lives of their people. We could also ask how we might realistically curb the influx of illegal cocaine into our country. Maybe if we bought it from them we could put it in soft drinks in an amount that would provide the same level of stimulation as the caffeine we add today for this same purpose. Then maybe we could apologize to Mexico for that ‘Manifest Destiny’ idea and for stealing their land. And instead of dealing with the Mexicans who can run and swim, maybe we could offer to work with the Mexican government on any legal, honest and moral program which might create good jobs in their own country so that Mexicans would want to stay there.” Maybe we could apologize to Iran for propping up the Shaw and using their country for our selfish cold war purposes. Maybe we could ask their forgiveness and express an interest in being friends and working together for peace and prosperity in the Middle East. And maybe we could apologize to native Americans---“ “Hey! enough of this crap!" God interrupted. "If someone in this world pisses you off, just go kill a bunch of assholes and I will sort ‘em out. If you want something someone else has, make up justification and take it! Have you not read First John Wayne, chapter 3, verses 17-45? Do you not watch FOX Cable?" Then God asked, "Can you spot me on these inclines?" I replied, “Yep, they're right there above your chest.” ********** I’ve heard of surveys that claim that over 95% of Americans believe in God. I wonder about these surveys. I think that surveys like these might be as valid as a survey on who picks their nose, or pees in swimming pools. I wonder what the results would be if probing questions about God were asked while people were hooked up to a polygraph machine. And I really wonder what the polygraph would show if certain evangelists were hooked up and questioned on their beliefs. And A good place to do this would be The Maury Povich Show! Lie detector guy: “Do you believe that God caused children to be killed by a bear because they made fun of a bald-headed prophet?” evangelist: “Yes” Lie detector guy: “Do you believe that a person’s relatives should be punished for crimes committed by that person?” evangelist: “Yes” Lie Detector guy: “Do you think it is ok for a person to beat their slave, so long as the slave does not die from that beating within 24 hours?” evangelist: “Yep” Lie detector guy: “Is it wrong to sell a person and their family into slavery for non-payment of debts?” evangelist: “Nope” Lie detector guy: “Do you love the lord?” evangelist: “Yes” Lie detector guy: “What is it that you love best about the lord?” evangelist: “His eyes and he has nice hair. Little long, but nice!” Lie detector guy: “Are you the only idiot in your family?” evangelist: “That sounds like a trick question to me.” In fact, Maury’s show is the perfect place to settle all questions regarding religion. “And when it comes to the baby Jesus, God you are NOT the father!” Maury: “Oh bleeeeeep! Now we’re down to only two major religions! Y’all got Moses hooked up to the machine yet?” ********** When I taught Psychology I conducted surveys of my students as we began our unit on the subject of Conscience. I asked my students to give anonymous, honest answers to some questions concerning their conscience. Some classes were asked to respond to a survey which contained the following questions: (the percentages of "yes" responses follow each question) 1. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you rob a bank? 62% 2. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you cheat on a test in school? 88% 3. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from your employer? 45% 4. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from a wealthy person? 60% 5. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from a poor person? 15% 6. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you kill someone? 10% Other classes were asked to respond to this slightly altered survey: 1. Do you believe in God? 92% 2. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you rob a bank? 22% 3. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you cheat on a test in school? 48% 4. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from your employer? 24% 5. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from a wealthy person? 38% 6. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you steal from a poor person? 10% 7. If you were guaranteed not to be caught, would you kill someone? 5% In another conscience probing activity I asked some of my classes to write a paper describing what they would do if for one day they were invisible. Their responses dealt almost exclusively with money floating from bank vaults, other acts of theft, voyeurism, sexual assault, revenge, and aggression which frequently included murder. For other classes I gave the same assignment, except I prefaced the activity with a question about the students' belief in God. These students wrote very different stories than did the other classes. Their imaginary stories often included such topics as, helping the poor and homeless, putting drug dealers out of business, and Robin Hood kinds of stories. So it seems that a lot of us believe in God, but only if we are reminded that we believe. ********** A childhood friend of mine became a Catholic priest. Although for many years we lived in different parts of the country, after I graduated from college we briefly found ourselves living in the same city. One spring afternoon we decided to play a round of golf. The course was not very crowded that day. As we began play on the back nine a teen-ager, playing alone behind us, soon caught up with us. We asked if he would like to go ahead of us, or if he would like to finish playing with us. He chose to play with us. We noticed that the young man had a rather bad temper. Almost every time he hit a bad shot, he would pound or toss his club, and address with the ball, club, course, or himself with any number of profane words. And he hit a lot of bad shots. This behavior continued until we reached hole number 16, a short par three. On this hole the teen-ager and I pushed our drives off to the right. My priest friend hit his to the left. As the young man and I walked together to find our golf balls, we talked. He asked what I did for a living, and I told him. He then asked what my friend did for a living. I informed him that my friend was a Catholic priest. The blood appeared to drain from the head of this young man, and said, "Oh my God, I'm Catholic!” There was a sudden change in his behavior. He continued to hit bad shots, but he never again abused his clubs or used profane words. Later, as my friend and I laughed about the young man’s behavior, my friend said that, as a priest, he should have been insulted by young man’s sudden change in behavior. When I asked why, he said that “This young man did not believe that there was a God above who saw and disapproved of his golfing behavior. But he thought that I was stupid enough to believe that there was such a God, so he stopped out of respect for my apparent naivety. It was much like an adult not wanting to tell a child that there is no Santa.” Maybe that 95% figure is a little on the high side. ********** I live in the south where football is like religion. People develop their loyalties early in life, and little occurs to alter these loyalties. People defend their team, display banners on their cars, and at their homes. For most, it is team--right or wrong! One day I was talking to an Alabama man about the topic of cloning. He said that cloning was wrong because it infringed upon the “domain of God.” He said mankind had no business “piddling in God’s domain.” Then I told him that there was probably enough DNA still in existence to clone the late Paul “Bear” Bryant. His eyes lit up and after a brief discussion he said, “Maybe we should be flexible and open minded about this cloning stuff. “ ********** When Harrah’s opened its land-based casino in New Orleans, they complained that the agreed upon tax structure left them unable to make money. They wanted to renegotiate so that they could turn a profit. While many thought that Harrah’s had “high balled” the state to get the right to be the sole land-based casino in Louisiana, knowing that the state would almost have to renegotiate, I knew better. What Harrah’s didn’t count on was the deeply religious nature of people in the south. Down here we pray when we gamble! God hears our prayers and gives us jackpots! I was in a casino playing slot machines early one morning when a woman down the row from me hit a jackpot. She screamed and danced in the aisle, and repeated, “Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus!” Later, after she was hand-paid her $250 jackpot, I said to her, “Did you know that in Bangladesh there was a three year old boy who died of starvation and maggot infestation at the same moment that Jesus gave you that jackpot?” She replied, “Yeah? Prove it!