I saw an Arkansas porno flick a while back, and this dude was fuckin' this chick and he was spanking her and shouting, "Who's your cousin? Who is yore cousin?!!!" ********** In court lawyers will often say to a witness, "In your own words tell us what you saw on the night of February 31, 2008." But what if the witness doesn't have any words of their own, but just words they got from other people? Should they be truthful and say, "I am sorry sir, but I have no words of my own? Every word I know I got from someone else!" And that would likely be followed by, "Yes your honor, 'thirty days' are both words that I do understand. They are not my words, but I do understand them;" so here goes: "Af da katastrafus doent sumblate fo mortocephus da knojuvlin pen jummpered outdede wobblin' ho-lolly andso duzzeth lat hooby dooby hobinotual overn pe inkojolas." ********** This is a true story. When my mother died a few years ago the sales dude at the funeral home tried to sell me a casket that was guaranteed not to leak for 100 years! I asked, "How will I know this? Should I put a codicil in my will requiring that my great-great grandkids should dig up their great-great-great grandma after 99.5 years and check for leaks? Or does this model come with a dip stick? And if there are leaks will your great-great grandkids replace the casket, or just patch it with epoxy and duct tape?" As we both reflected, I asked, "What do you have in a 6 month leak guarantee with a $50 deductable? ********** I hear people talk about having a "gut feeling." The only gut feelings I get are hunger and nausia. ********** You often see signs on the windows of businesses saying, "Help Wanted--Apply Within!" Have they been having problems with people applying in the parking lot, or at the drive-thru window? Maybe they apply at in the parking lot or drive-thru window so the door won't hit 'em in the butt! ********** My son likes all the new high tech stuff, especially high tech tools. So for his birthday I got him a cordless monkey wrench. That is one very cool tool! ********** And I think we all agree that technology rocks! I bought a Snickers the other day and although it did cost $2.50, it came with a digital camera. How cool is that? Snickers! You don't even have to ask 'em to smile 'cause they already snickering! Hehehehhhe! ********** I was at a casino one morning while back, wasting some time playing nickel machines. Before I knew it noon-time rolled around and it was time for my noon-time pills. A cocktail waitress came by, and said that she would glad to bring me a bottle of water on her next round, but if I needed it now I could go to the beverage station and they would be more than happy to give me a bottle of water. I told her I would go to the beverage station because I had never seen people who were more than happy, and I wanted to see what that looked like. As it turned out they look a lot like people who are pissed off! ********** My boss is easily confused, and a few days ago this confusion almost cost the wrong person their job. I explained, "No, the guy on the right is disgruntled. The guy on the left is gruntled! In fact if he was any more gruntled he would be 'too gruntled' and we all know that's not possible!" ********** When I was in the eight grade my English teacher told me to "always, put my best foot forward." I said shouldn't that be "better foot?" Without a word she stood me in a corner during which time I could place neither foot forward. Then, after what seemed to be about an hour, she asked me if I had learned my lesson. I told her yes, I had. She asked what that lesson was, and I told her that, "When you are in a corner, you must put your better foot backwards." She told me to take one step at a time until I got out of her room. ********** Swimming is the best form of exercise if you are drowning. But running is the best form of exercise if you're being chased by a bear. ********** I have arthritis in both my lumbar and cervical vertebrae. When my doctor asked if my pain medication was interfing with my sex life, I told him I didn't have one of those. He suggested that I take Cialis because it is time-released and when the "time was right," it would still be effective. I asked if it came in five year time released form? ********** My neighbor became a born again Christian. One day he came over and said that he was suppose to love his neighbor as himself. I told him to go home 'cause I think he was wanting to jerk me off! ********** The other night I was kicked back gazing at the stars, when all of a sudden I started wondering, what the hell happened to my roof!