this is just something i wrote a month or two ago about an incredibly painful situation in my life. I have often said that my problem is that i'm a writer. i get a thought in my head and i just keep thinking it and thinking it until i come up with the most expressive way to say it. then what? i can't do anything with it but write it down. i wrote this at about 2 a.m. i slept for the first time in about 2 weeks after writing this. it's hard to explain so i think i just won't. go ahead and read.
what do i want? i want him to hurt. that's what it all comes down to. i want him to be hurt the way he has hurt. i want him to lie awake at night and cry for me the way i have cried for him. i want him to pass me in the hallway and get that sick little twinge in his stomach like i used to get when i passed him. i want him to miss me. that's all i want. is that so much to ask? apparently it is. i want him to not look at me with that blank look in his eyes that just tells me exactly what i don't want to hear - that he doesn't care. he's got a hundred other hoochies just begging for my place in line. in line for what? what did i think i was waiting for? he could never love me. he can never love anybody but himself. "guess it's over now. there's no getting back to good." boy, this matchbox 20 guy has it figured out. "it's nothing, it's so normal...you just stand there. i could say so much." remember that day in the hallway, adam? that day i realized that i love(d) you. and why? hell if i know. you never did anything to deserve it. you just stood there...i said so much. your just standing there said so much too...but i just can't seem to convince myself of that. why did i leave that note on your car? because i needed to see your reaction. i needed to know, to know that you wish i would just go away..i didn't want to make you lose me. i never thought, never realized i guess, that you wanted to. i thought, he's looking at me now. god, how pathetic am i, what have i been reduced to that that is friendship. he looked at me. that means he misses me. no, it just means you couldn't look away quick enough. i thought, why don't i make it easier on him. what was i thinking? it is already so easy on you..you just stand there. remember? that's your job. my job is to love you and your job is to stand there. there is something so inherently wrong with this picture. i never did anything to make my life turn out like this. "it's nothing, it's so normal..." is this normal? is this what it's like? "i was thinking if, you were lonely.." he's not lonely, stef. he doesn't miss you. he doesn't care. hell, you stood right in front of him crying hysterically, being racked my this torrent of emotions and he just stood there...how can a human being treat another human being like this? i didn't know it was possible to have such a lack of any kind of decency at all. how long have i known this? how long have i known how this would end up? maybe always. maybe i do this to myself on purpose. is there any other explanation? i'm not stupid. i'm just a poor judge of character, i suppose. it's just not fair. he has lost nothing in this deal...apparently not even a friend. all i want is for him to miss me. to wish he could take it all back. take what back? does he remember? and here i am, stuck loving him. why? he doesn't deserve it, stef. no one does. no one is worth all the tears you've shed over him. how many? so many. too many, that's for damn sure. did he do this on purpose? did he seek me out? or did he just take the opportunity as it arose? you're a joke, do you know that? he laughs at you. look at that girl, she'll let me get away with anything. watch. well, i'm done. i won't put up with anymore. i can't. "i can't do this right now.." isn't that what you kept saying, stef? you couldn't decide what to do..maybe you should have. you cared so much about his end of the deal...but it can't be entirely your fault. it's not. he did care about you at some point, i believe it, or at least did a smash-up job of pretending. who can blame you? remember those few days when he was so upset, blah blah blah...you weren't wrong to believe him. anyone would have. he was such a good friend. what did you ever do to deserve it? nothing. nobody deserves this. nobody. all i want is for him to hurt. hurt like i hurt. is that too much to ask?
