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Below: Life's Laws, Things You Learn From the
Movies, How to Annoy the Irs, Great T-shirt Sayings For
Women, God Speaks! and Actual Signs...(new additions weekly!)
Some Examples of Why the Human Race Has Probably Evolved as Far as Possible.
These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details iside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we
just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief)
LIFE'S LAWS
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 out of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three of
your friends. If they're okay, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember: Pillage before you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. Corollary: If you are given a take home test, you will forget where
you live.
12. The trouble with doing things right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that the sole purpose in your life is to serve as a warning
to others.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the
average man can see better than he can think.
15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left
them to where you can't find them.
17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not
be evenly distributed.
THINGS YOU LEARN FROM THE MOVIES...
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man
lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and
they are always large enough so that you can travel to any other
part of the building you want without difficulty and
without making much noise. You will emerge relatively grime-and-dust-free.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent
will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could
be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, act befuddled
and let the other person walk away before you clear thing up.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright, wide-
eyed and sweaty.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song and to
magically have a musical backing track ready to go. Your date
will always admire this and never think you're a total asshole.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and
wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them
than 20 men firing at 1 man.
If you are a hero, you will inevitably get badly wounded but
will recover sufficiently within a few days to perform greater
feats of agility than you could before you were injured.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization. Don't
worry- you'll be able to break their code in no time.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings
from international terrorist organizations - even though the job
will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their
own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of
software. Getting on-line to check something always results in
an instantaneous connection to the web.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal
damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
Car chases through busy city streets never hit pedestrians. They
always tumble or lunge out of the way like gymnasts. But you
will probably hit a fruitstand.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at
the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the
entire journey.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they
will fall in love.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the upcoming
tourist season's business.
If you're a woman being chased by a slow-moving monster like a mummy, you
will inevitably:
a. trip on something
b. immediately sustain some type of leg or ankle injury leaving
you unable to get up and continue running, and
c. will roll over, look horrified, put your arms up by your
head, scream and wait to be killed.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at that precise moment, and if you're
not in the room, someone will tell you to come quick, and the
story will start just as you get there.
During all police investigations, regardless of the crime
involved, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least
once.
You will always find a place to park directly outside the
building you are visiting, especially if you are in a hurry. It
will never be at a metered space.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take
out a bill -just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the exact fare and have the tip included..
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Hitting a person over the head (especially from behind) will
always result in instant unconciousness from one blow, but they
will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. They'll
eventually wake up, rub their head and wince. There will be
little if any blood.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
back home and telling of your plans to be married when you return.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though some emergency will arise and their
husband and children never have time to eat it.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations, and the person you want will always
be there to pick upwithin 1 or 2 rings.
Despite having passionately ripped off her clothes as they began
to make love, women always get out of bed afterwards wearing a t-
shirt and panties.
HOW TO ANNOY THE IRS (Without Getting In Trouble!??!)
1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and
put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove
the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the
right side.
2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing
the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way
they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork
and re-staple it (on the left side).
3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let
it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener
doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or
three party check. On top of paying with a third party check,pay
one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives
cash, no matter how small an amount, he has
to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received
has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is
or what it's on.
6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional.
Like on the back of a supermarket sack.
7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its
just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted
differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus
to the big envelope is that they take priority over other
mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly
envelope to your half destroyed form.
9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign
fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be
verified and then date stamped.
These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do
with the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you
OWE money.
Great T-Shirt Sayings for Women:
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the
bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is?
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name... you'll be screaming it later.
You know you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: i can talk and piss you off at the same
time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs.
Any questions?
You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
"God Speaks" Billboards
No one knows who's publishing these anonymous billboards all over the country which only lends to their appeal. The background of the billboards is black and the lettering is simply block in white. I'd like to think that God himself had these done. I've seen one in my hometown. I look forward to seeing the rest.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.--God
C'mon over and bring the kids.--God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?--God
We need to talk.--God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.--God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.--God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing...I meant it.--God
I love you and you and you and you and...-God
Will the road you're on get you to my place?--God
Follow me.--God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.--God
My way is the highway.--God
Need directions?--God
You think it's hot here?--God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.--God
Do you have any idea where you're going?--God
(And my personal favorite)
Don't make me come down there.--God
Some Actual Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll
wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a
leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you
are on
fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian
except the
dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're
looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet --
miss a
car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear
you
coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
the
2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in
your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take
what
you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come
in and
get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin
drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can
eat any place they want."