The following is an essay that was in a church bulletin. It is from the
Ivey Memorial United Methodist Church Newletter.
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday,
we are going to have a "No Excuse Sunday".
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday
is my only day to sleep in."
Murine will be available for those who have tired eyes
because they stayed up late watching T.V.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof will
cave in if I come to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church
is too cold, and fans for those who think it is too hot.
We will have hearing aids for those who say the pastor speaks
too softly and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly.
Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the
hypocrites present.
Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to
go visiting on Sundays.
There will be T.V. dinners for those who can't go to church
and cook dinner also.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who
like to seek God in nature.
Finally, the church will be decorated with both Christmas
poinsettias and Easter lillies for those who have never seen
the church without them.
If you miss Sunday....You will be missed!
THE CHURCH IN THE HEART
Who builds a church within his heart
And takes it with him everywhere
Is holier far than he whose church
Is but a one day house of prayer.
Real Church Signs
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two
hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are
inscribed & a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief,
take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big
sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays." The church
reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays,
too."
Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing
at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance,
the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection
is postponed."
People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are.
God so loved the world that he did not send a committee.
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.
How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long
and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this
world.
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
eternal fire insurance soon.
This is a CH_ _ CH. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the
Shepherd.