If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should just say we were kidding, that this isn't our real civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with a new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
If I had the time to sit down and write thank-you notes to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be.
You know one thing that will make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What? What?" I would yell back, but he never did speak english.
If you're in the war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw on of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
It's true every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, at night, they burned the wheel.
The wizse man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm vine man."
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how children would laugh at me. I vowed then and there, that I would get revenge.
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
The big, huge meteor headed toward Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor--through some kind of a space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go " yelled one of the generals. "Give me that" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "you've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the the meteor.
If I could come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick, you're all over their lip.
Isn't it funny how we go to a country fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.
Love is not something you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called a Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit the brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake.
How come the dove get's to be the peace symbol? How about pillows? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I would like to one of those little basket beds with my name on it.
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge otheres. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from that last flap?
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created my Man.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and sayd, "Hey, good job."