CHILD CUSTODY IN LAYMEN'S TERMS

CHILD CUSTODY AND VISITATION
IN LAYMEN'S TERMS

Every child deserves the opportunity to know and be with his father/mother. A Divorce case is much different than my situation, mainly because my son's biological father and I have never lived together, but the one denominator that does apply is our child and this is in his best interest and dedicated to him...

What this page will do is to help those who have no idea where to start in the Judicial system. By all means if you can avoid going through the system, resolve all matters with your attorneys and have everything documented as to what each of you want and require. If you can not resolve custody and visitations matters, it is important to have an attorney represent you, but not completely necessary.

I hope, in some little way, I shed light on what you must do or what is being done and just maybe, you can avoid the thousands of dollars it will cost you to hire an attorney. If you think you are justified and have reason to prove so, than by all means take my advice. I will not be responsible for misleading information, since this is what I have been through in New Jersey Family Court and have absorbed along the way.

ATTORNEYS

AFFORDING AN ATTORNEY
RECOMMENDATION

PATERNITY TESTING
WHAT IT IS AND HOW IT'S PERFOMED
FILING PROCEDURE
MOTIONS
FILING A MOTION

SOME COURT OUTCOMES
DRUG TESTING
SUPERVISED VISITATION
RISK ASSESMENT
ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES
HOME EVALUATION
CHOICES FOR CHILDREN SEMINAR

POINTERS
DOCUMENTAION
KEEPING A JOURNAL
DO'S AND DON'TS

ORGANIZATIONS AND SUPPORT GROUPS
WHAT A PATERNITY TEST IS AND HOW IT'S DONE
A paternity test is a test that both parents and the child have to take to prove whom the biological father is. There are several types of test which include saliva and blood. I have had the saliva test which is a very simple procedure done with a cotton swab rubbed along the upper and lower gum and the inner mouth. It retrieves saliva from mother, father and child. Afterwhich, it is sent off to the lab to confirm a DNA match. The results are then mailed to the court in which you will recieve a notice in the mail regarding the results.

You know who the father is of your child

Go to family Court in your County and file for support, retroactive to the day that you apply. This means that when you go to court for the Support issue you will be compensated starting with the day that you applied. You can not gain support starting with the day the baby was born unless you file that day.

YOU ARE THE FATHER AND WANT TO ESTABLISH PATERNITY

You must file a motion to have the mother and child given a paternity test. This will cost anywhere from 250.00 or up. The court will tell you the rightful amount.

You don't know who the father is, but have an idea

You must file a motion to have a paternity test to validate the child's biological father. Go to family court and file the motion. There will be a small fee of 5.00 or more and you will have ot pay a paternity test fee since you are the one filing.

You have been served a summons to have a paternity test done

Mother

Unless you can prove otherwise, you must take the test, but in the mean time, immmediately go to court and file for Support retroactive to the day that you apply. Let the Intake person know that there is a paternity test about to take place and give them the docket number located at the top of the summons for Paternity testing.

Father

You must take the paternity test, it's best for the child to know that you are the father whether you want to be a part of his or her life or not.

You don't want the father in your child's life

Like it or not, your child has every right to know the other parent, even if you hate each other. Most importantly taking this right away from your child is certainly not in his or her best interest. If the other parent is an endangerment to your child, than it's up to you to prove and protect your child from this person. The court will consider all input and interest from you in regards to your child. If this is the situation, keep on the courts and don't allow yourself to become a number.

A CHILD'S RIGHTS

FILING MOTIONS

First and foremost, achieve anything legally, you must file a motion. Filing a motion requires going to your County Court and filing a letter to the court explaining what you want. Paternity testing, support, temporary full custody are to name a few. Once established, there will be a Docket Number in which will basically represent your case. Everything from that point on will be under that Docket Number.

Once a motion is filed you or he (with or without an attorney), have the right to respond to the motion or cross motion. That means you have a certain amount of time to respond to the motions that have been filed.

Basically a response is a letter explaining your actions or why a motion shouldn't take place. When sending the response you must mail his or her attoreny a copy as well as the court. Include all exhibits in each letter. Exhibits are pictures, police reports, etc. When doing so, make sure you include your Docket Number at the top of the response or cross motion.

Example
You recieved a motion wanting overnight visits
Your response would be why you wouldn't want this to happen or that you wouldn't mind this happening.

DRUG TESTING

If in court it is expressed that the other parent is on or using drugs and this is a concern to you, the court may order a drug test. However, if this does take place you may be tested as well. You may address this in a motion or response if for example, the other parent wants over night visitations or extended time.

SUPERVISED VISITATIONS

Supervised visitation can take place in the Court House or at a mutual location that is suitable to the Court. Usually this happens when the other parent is found to be a risk to the child or using drugs/alcohol. Someone is there to monitor the situation so that no harm comes to the child. Every situation is dealt with differently and accordingly to what the case may entail.

RISK ASSESMENT

Risk assesment is a meeting between two parent's and a court appointed therapist. This is usually ordered by the Judge. In my opinion and experience, it didn't serve one bit of resolution to my case. This woman or man meets with both mother and father, either together or apart and decides whether the other parent is suitable to have more time with the child. Bluntly put, you can't make an assesment of anyone in less than an hour...

ANGER MANAGEMENT

This again, is ordered by the Judge. It's a lengthy meeting that the other parent or the parent who has shown anger, has to go to. He/She meets with a person who confronts thier anger and tries to show the person that this isn't normal and how to deal with it... I question this since I have not seen anything change with what my son comes home saying to both me and my husband. Obviously, my son's father is a wonderful actor and up for an emmy winning performance... In class that is.

HOME EVALUATION

Court ordered if the parent questions the atmosphere of the non-custodial parent. Someone comes out and looks to see if there is adequate housing for the child. I imagine that this would also take place if a parent has lost custody of a child and needs to show adequate living arrangements for the child before regaining custody.

CHOICES FOR CHILDREN

Choices for Children is a nice seminar that is about three hours long. What it does is show parents different ways to talk with each other in the presence of the children and how to address certain situations. It discusses positive behaviour regarding the children and situations that happen in our daily lives. I found it to be very informative and an excellent guideline that all seperated, divorced and single parents should live by. However, if you have a restraining order his class will not pertain to you as far as communication with the other parent. As you know, with a restraining order there is no communication. I question why I and my son's father were ordered to attend this class. I do not see the relevance that this had to our case. I addressed this during class and was given no legitamate response.

POINTERS

DOCUMENTATION
Document each disturbing event that takes place. Pictures, Journals and Police reports help as well as answering machine messages and conversations between you and the other party. I can't say this enough, document everthing that ever happens. You'll be happy that you did later.

JOURNAL
I keep a journal on my computer (backed up of course), in which I write in every week or if something should happen. This includes keeping a record of times and dates that the other parent has or has not showed for visitation. I call or refer to this as my "Altercation Diary".
Also, it's a good idea to keep track of your court dates, meetings, attorney visits and any other court related events that take or have taken place. Keep this with you when you attend anything. This way when you are asked about your case you can look briefly at this paper and quickly know the dates. I call it my "chain-of-events diary."

DO'S AND DON'TS

Don't expect things to always go in your favor, after all, the other parent has rights as well as yourself.

Don't question your ability of being a parent when your son/daughter comes home from a visit with his/her other parent and tells you that he/she had a wonderful time. It's perfectly normal to question whether your doing enough with your child, but you must remember that, that parent sees that child one or two days every other weekend. After all, you would be the same way if you had that child the same amount of time. Take that day or weekend to pamper yourself for a great job that you have done being there for your child every day!

Don't question your child about what he/she did and what the other parent said about you during his/her visit. After all, who cares? If she/he had a good time, than you've done your job as a parent to be civilized, even if the other parent isn't. If the other parent is talking about you, your child will someday realize this and make his/her own judgement.

Don't Critisize the other parent in front of your child, it only makes that child feel like he/she has to develop two different lives and that can lead to discomfot around you.

Don't dread the outcome of your situation. Let me explain... In the beginning I was so obessesed with thinking about how my child would be away from me and I couldn't picture one day let alone two. Things I learned on a progress level, do get easier to deal with. I know that in the begining you don't want to hear visitation at all, but it's in the best interest of the child. Would you rather have the child blame you in the future for something that should have happend rightfully so? It's best to not think of the complete outcome as being a threat, but as being the best for your child.

Do, love your child more than you hate the other parent.

Do, show your child that you want him/her to have a good time when they are with the other parent, especially if you despise the other parent.
Do, respect the other parent in the presence of your child.

Do, remind your child to respect the other parent and his spouse while he/she is there visiting.

Do, allow the child to express to you how he/she feels when he/she is at the other parent's house, that is if they initiate the conversation. This will benefit the child when telling you what a great time he/she has had.

THERE IS NEVER A FAIRY TALE ENDING
If you have a restraining order against the other parent, don't think things are going to miraculously turn great. There is no happy ending at the end of an abusive relationship. If you think that person is going to treat you any differently now than when you were together, you are only fooling yourself. I made the mistake of letting the other person get away with coming up to my door to retrieve our son. Week after week, I subjected myself to demeaning words and unacceptable behaviour in front of our son. I finally realized that this man wasn't going to change and I must not allow our son to see this behaviour. I gave him three warnings and finally had him arrested for violating the restraing. It's sad to say, but there will probably never be a nuteral ground between my son's father and myself. Hopefully, things will become much easier to handle in your situation.

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CHILD CUSTODY AND VISITATION IN LAYMEN'S TERMS

CHILD CUSTODY AND VISITATION
IN LAYMEN'S TERMS