JR'S Free Thought Pages
No Gods  ~ No Masters   

                          Woody Allen Quotes  

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. (Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex)

That (sex) was the most fun I ever had without laughing. (Annie Hall)

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love. (Annie Hall)

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good empty experience.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.

(Annie Hall)

And if it turns out that there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever.

(Love and Death)

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. (Play it Again Sam)

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers. (Sleeper)

My brain - it's my second favorite organ. (Sleeper)

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?

A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes. (Sleeper)

Eternal nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it. (Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.(Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. (Without Feathers, 'The Scrolls')

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. (Death)

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. (The Early Essays)

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. (The Early Essays)

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I am an only child. I have one sister. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.

(Woody Allen Volume Two)

I am at two with nature. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him 'Be fruitful, and multiply.' But not in those words. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)

Death is an acquired trait. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I  want to achieve it through not dying. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)

I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

(Quote and Unquote)

Take the money and run. (Film title)

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

(New York Times)

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. (Sayings of the Week, Observer)

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable, as ones hat keeps falling off...

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. 

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

He tells how he was caught cheating on a college metaphysics exam: "I was looking into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

He also pokes fun at existentialism, commenting on a course he took in the subject: "I didn't know any of the answers so I left it all blank. I got a hundred."

His first wife studied philosophy in college: "She used to prove that I didn't exist."

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Friend: "What about all that talk about death being the same as sleep?"

Woody: "Yes, but the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, 'Everybody up, it's morning,' it's very hard to find your slippers."

To you I'm an atheist, to God I'm the loyal opposition.

"Did matter begin with an explosion or by the word of God? And if by the latter, could He not have begun it just two weeks earlier to take advantage of some of the warmer weather?"

"I'm what you'd call a teleological, existential atheist--I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey."

"I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is, will they be able to break a twenty?"

"There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from Midtown and how late is it open?"

Never kill a man, especially if it means taking his life.

"If I could only see a miracle," Boris argues, "a burning bush, the seas part....Uncle Sasha pick up a check." Or, "If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough." (Love and Death – Movie)

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

"Death is not really an end; think of it as an effective way to cut down on your expenses."

"When I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide; everyone was too unhappy."

I am two with nature."

"Astronomers talk of an inhabited planet named Quelm, so distant from earth that a man traveling at the speed of light would take six million years to get there, although they are planning a new express route that will cut two hours off the trip."

"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right." - Woody Allen, Everything you Always Wanted to Know about Sex, but were Afraid to Ask, 1972.

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

“I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”

”When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

”What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?”

”Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”

“If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.”

`What are you planning on doing Saturday night?`   `Committing suicide!`  `Well... how about Friday night?`

“The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.”

“Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.”

 “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”

“Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.”

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

In real life, Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it.