Step Nine
"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when
to do so would injure them or others."
Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence -- these are the
qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine.
After we have made the list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully
upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to
proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach
into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we
become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to
whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others
more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and
still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make
direct personal contact at all.
Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join
Alcoholics Anonymous. The moment we tell our families that we are really going to try
the program, the process has begun. In this area there are seldom any questions of timing
or caution. We want to come in the door shouting the good news. After coming from our
first meeting, or perhaps after we have finished reading the book "Alcoholics
Anonymous," we usually want to sit down with some member of the family and readily
admit the damage we have done by our drinking. Almost always we want to go further
and admit other defects that have made us hard to live with. This will be a very different
occasion, and in sharp contrast with those hangover mornings when we alternated
between reviling ourselves and blaming the family (and everyone else) for our troubles. At
this first sitting, it is necessary only that we make a general admission of our defects. It
may be unwise at this stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes. Good judgment will
suggest that we ought to take our time. While we may be quite willing to reveal the very
worst, we must be sure to remember that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the
expense of others.
Much the same approach will apply at the office or factory. We shall at once think
of a few people who know all about our drinking, and who have been most affected by it.
But even in these cases, we may need to use a little more discretion than we did with the
family. We may not want to say anything for several weeks, or longer. First we will wish
to be reasonably certain that we are on the A.A. beam. Then we are ready to go to these
people, to tell them what A.A. is, and what we are trying to do. Against this background
we can freely admit the damage we have done and make our apologies. We can pay, or
promise to pay, whatever obligations, financial or otherwise, we owe. The generous
response of most people to such quiet sincerity will often astonish us. Even our severest
and most justified critics will frequently meet us more than halfway on the first trial.
This atmosphere of approval and praise is apt to be so exhilarating as to put us off
balance by creating an insatiable appetite for more of the same. Or we may be tipped over
in the other direction when, in rare cases, we get a cool and skeptical reception. This will
tempt us to argue, or to press our point insistently. Or maybe it will tempt us to
discouragement and pessimism. But if we have prepared ourselves well in advance, such
reactions will not deflect us from our steady and even purpose.
After taking this preliminary trial at making amends, we may enjoy such a sense of
relief that we conclude our task is finished. We will want to rest on our laurels. The
temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be
great. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. Or
we may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have
already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong. Let's not talk prudence
while practicing evasion.
As soon as we begin to feel confident in our new way of life and have begun, by
our behavior and example, to convince those about us that we are indeed changing for the
better, it is usually safe to talk in complete frankness with those who have been seriously
affected, even those who may be only a little or not at all aware of what we have done to
them. The only exceptions we will make will be cases where our disclosure would cause
actual harm. These conversations can begin in a casual or natural way. But if no such
opportunity presents itself, at some point we will want to summon all our courage, head
straight for the person concerned, and lay our cards on the table. We needn't wallow in
excessive remorse before those we have harmed, but amends at this level should always be
forthright and generous.
There can only be one consideration which should qualify our desire for a
complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional
situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are
making amends. Or -- quite as important -- other people. We cannot, for example,
unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our
unsuspecting wife or husband. And even in those cases where such a matter must be
discussed, let's try to avoid harming third parties, whoever they may be. It does not
lighten our burden when we recklessly make the crosses of others heavier.
Many a razor-edged question can arise in other departments of life where this same
principle is involved. Suppose, for instance, that we have drunk up a good chunk of our
firm's money, whether by "borrowing" or on a heavily padded expense account. Suppose
that this may continue to go undetected, if we say nothing. Do we instantly confess our
irregularities to the firm, in the practical certainty that we will be fired and become
unemployable? Are we going to be so rigidly righteous about making amends that we
don't care what happens to the family and home? Or do we first consult those who are to
be gravely affected? Do we lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser,
earnestly asking God's help and guidance -- meanwhile resolving to do the right thing
when it becomes clear, cost what it may? Of course, there is no pat answer which can fit
all such dilemmas. But all of them do require a complete willingness to make amends as
fast and as far as may be possible in a given set of conditions.
Above all, we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we
are afraid. For the readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take
responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.
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