My thoughts twist and turn
in strange directions
it seems no one has ever traveled.

Yet I know that others go there, too,
and see the things I see,
and I am not half as alone as feel.

But no one can travel with me,
no one can touch me,
no one can see me cry.

These places are strange yet familiar,
because I breathed that poison air,
and knew that feeling of despair.

Who was I then? Who am I now?
How many unanswerable questions
must there be before I can be free?

I am only beginning to understand
how the blows of words and hands
crushed my spirit, tarnished my heart.

But in all of it there was always hope,
because if we don't deserve to be abused,
we deserve to hope for a better place.

I hid from my better place for years,
afraid to cry, afraid to show weakness,
afraid to face the feelings of yesterday.

But now I open my heart, my mind,
to places frightening and bizarre,
and I allow myself to touch them.

And today become a blur
as I fade away to yesterday
and sink into a pillow of sadness.

I remember what I was,
what I wanted to be,
what I became.

I was young, naive, trusting,
I wanted to be loved.
I became nothing.

At the hands of someone
who claimed to love me,
I died a little every day.

His words ripped through my heart,
his blows made me shrink in fear,
but he said he loved me.

There was no trust, there was no faith,
only ugly words and ugly deeds,
but he said he loved me.

I was like a lovesick puppy,
kicked by its owner,
but always coming back for more.

Apologizing for nothing,
trying to make things right,
when everything was wrong.

He said he loved me.
I thought that love would conquer all.
I thought I could change him.

But abuse isn't love,
and love can't always conquer hate,
and no one can change anyone else.

And now I stand at a crossroads,
taking a turn from the bad to the good,
filling myself with a new elixer of hope.

But before I can find my way to wherever,
I need to make these side trips,
I need to go to scary places.

I need to heal, I need to grow,
I need to be, I need to know,
I need to cleanse my spirit.

To complete the journey, I must go back,
face the demons, set them free,
and hope for the peace that lies beyond.