The following is a line-by-line spoof of Jim Huber's...uh, "Kissing Hank" story. My version is on the left, and Jim's on the right. Every line of my story is related somehow to the corresponding line in Jim's story on which it is based.

You should read Jim's story first if you haven't yet (either at his site or in the "cleaned-up" version below). Then you might want to read mine straight through, then go back and compare them.

The main point of Jim's story seems to be that acknowledging God's authority is really nothing more than "kissing up" to God. This got me thinking: What if evangelists for Jim's point of view decided to regard other forms of authority in the same way? It might go something like this...


Kissing Up to Dad


This morning there was a knock at my door. I went to answer it, accompanied by my daughter, age 7, and my son, age 6. When I opened the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first, addressing his words directly to my children:

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is my wife, Mary." John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: [also speaking to my children] "Hi! We're here to invite you to NOT kiss up to your dad." Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about--not 'kissing up' to me?" Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His butt?"
John: "Kids, hasn't your father told you that if you kiss up to him he'll reward you, and if you don't he'll punish you?" John: "If you kiss Hank's butt, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the snot out of you."
Daughter: "Who are you? What is this? Some sort of bizarre Hillary Clinton propaganda?" Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
Me: "So--trying to undermine my authority with my kids, huh? Look. I own this house, I put the food on the table. What gives you the right to say that I have no authority to tell my children what to do?" John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss his butt."
John: "Oh, like that makes sense..." Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Listen, children. Question any gift that comes from your father. What he's REALLY asking you to do is KISS UP TO HIM!" Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?"
Me: "Are you saying that I never give legitimate gifts to my children?" Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Join us, children, and give up kissing up to your old man!" John: "Then come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Mary: "Do you kiss up to your father often?" Me: "Do you kiss Hank's butt often?"
Son: "Oh yes, all the time...I mean--Hey, you're trying to trick me!" Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
John: "Your dad promised you that when you were 16 he'd give you each a car, didn't he?" Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
Son: "Well yes. That's because we'll be old enough to drive then." John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Mary: "But why should you have to wait? Why not demand that your father give you your cars now?" Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Daughter: "Because Daddy said we can't have them till we're 16. If I tried to drive a car now, he'd punish me." Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the snot out of you."
John: "Do you know anyone else to whom your dad has given a car?" Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got the million dollars?"
Daughter: "He bought a car for Mommy once." John: "My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
John: "Oh? Have you demanded that your mother show you the title to this car your dad supposedly gave her? Hmm?" Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
Daughter: "Of course not...Why would I do that?" John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
John: "Aha! So how do you know your father really gives cars to people?" Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Daughter: "Because I trust him and he's my daddy, of course! And he gives me other things, so why should I doubt him about a car just because you tell me to?" Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
John: "He 'gives' you things? Oh, you mean like on Christmas morning you find presents under the tree? And what has that got to do with your father? It could be Santa Claus, you know." Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
Son: "Man, this guy's got a loose connection somewhere." John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I think you're trying to put some kind of bizarre con game over on my kids!" Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "Now look, kids. Do you really think you need to obey your father just on the off chance that he'll give you a car 10 years from now?" John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's butt He'll kick the snot of you."
Son: "Well, where's your proof that my dad WON'T give me a car? Where's your proof that I SHOULDN'T believe my dad?" Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "But don't you find it suspicious that your dad doesn't tell you everything, and that he doesn't give you reasons for everything he does? I bet he expects you to kiss up to him EVEN WHEN HE'S NOT AROUND!" Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Son: "You're saying the fact that I'm expected to obey my dad even when he's not around means I'm 'kissing up' to him?" Me: "Then how do you kiss His butt?"
John: "Sure, I bet you just blow him kisses all the time when he's not around, don't you, you father-kisser? Or maybe you give your obedience to some substitute for your parents, such as your teachers at school." John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on."
Daughter: "So now we're not supposed to obey our teachers either?" Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "Oh sure, you can obey your teachers if you want. Of course, it's not like they teach you for free. They do get paid, you know." Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
John: "And of course you kids probably just believe everything your teachers tell you at school, don't you?" Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would reward you?"
Son: "Well, sure, why not? They seem to know what they're talking about. And they have books about the things they're teaching us--like this one here." [He produces one of his textbooks and opens it at random. It reads as follows:] John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
The Bible is an important book. Here are some quotes from the Bible:

From the desk of Karl

1. "Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth" (Eph. 6:2-3). 1. Kiss Hank's butt and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. "No longer drink water exclusively, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments" (1 Tim. 5:23). 2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. "For My angel will go before you and bring you in to the land of the Amorites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Canaanites, the Hivites and the Jebusites; and I will completely destroy them. You shall not worship their gods, nor serve them, nor do according to their deeds; but you shall utterly overthrow them and break their sacred pillars in pieces" (Ex. 23:23-24). 3. Kick the snot out of people who aren't like you.
4. "Speak to the sons of Israel, saying, "You shall not eat any fat from an ox, a sheep or a goat" (Lev. 7:23). 4. Eat right.
5. "All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness" (2 Tim. 3:16). 5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. "...the rabbit also, for though it chews cud, it does not divide the hoof, it is unclean to you" (Lev. 11:6). 6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. "...the hope of eternal life, which God, who cannot lie, promised long ages ago" (Tit. 1:2). 7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. "You shall also have a place outside the camp and go out there, and you shall have a spade among your tools, and it shall be when you sit down outside, you shall dig with it and shall turn to cover up your excrement" (Deut. 23:12-13). 8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. "Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, And whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise" (Prov. 20:1). 9. Don't use alcohol.
10. "Thou shalt not commit adultery" (Ex. 20:14). 10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. "The Son of Man will send forth His angels, and they will gather out of His kingdom all stumbling blocks, and those who commit lawlessness, and will throw them into the furnace of fire; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth" (Matt. 13:41-42). 11. Kiss Hank's butt or He'll kick the snot out of you.
John: "You must go to a Christian school, eh? At least, I certainly hope they're not letting kids in public schools learn about this stuff. So--words from the Bible, huh? Hey--wait a minute! This isn't a Bible! It's a textbook! These are words written down by some textbook author, not words from the Bible!" Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Me: "Well, of course the textbook author wrote them down. He was QUOTING FROM the Bible. Surely you know that authors sometimes quote words from books written by other authors." Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
John: "A likely story. Hmm...yup, here it is! This book says it was written by somebody named Hugo Spittlehouse. I know for a fact that none of the authors of the Bible was named Hugo Spittlehouse." Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
Me: "I told you. Hugo is quoting words written by OTHER authors--Moses and the apostle Paul..." John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Mary: "Oh, please. You're not going to tell us that Hugo Spittlehouse actually met Moses and the apostle Paul!" Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Me: "No, of course not! They wrote their books years and years ago!" Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
John: "Well I don't see how he could quote them then. And look here--in Number 3, this 'God' of Moses is telling people to 'utterly overthrow' other peoples simply because they're different." Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the snot out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: [sarcastically] "It's what God wants, and God's always right." Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "John, how do you figure it was because they were 'different'? It doesn't say anything about overthrowing people because they were 'different.'" Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: [still sarcastic] "Item 7 says that everything God says is right. That's good enough for me!" Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "John, you just made up that part about the reason being that people were 'different,' didn't you?" Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Maybe it doesn't SAY that it was simply because they were different, but I know that that was the REAL reason. Hey, we all know how xenophobic Jews can be. But look-here's something else. Item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Clean up after you to the bathroom.' I suppose you think that since these things are right, the rest must be true, too, huh? How inane!" John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Mary: "And look--9 says 'Don't use alcohol,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says rabbits chew their cud, which is just plain wrong." Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
Me: "Well John, there may some validity to the idea that certain pieces of good advice in the Bible are evidence of its truth, but that's rather a straw man to focus on, since there are other much stronger evidences for the Bible's truth. And no, Mary, 9 doesn't say 'Don't use alcohol,' it just says that wine is a mocker. Anyone knows that if not used in moderation wine can make a fool out of the drunk person. Now please define chewing the cud for me." John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Mary: "Define it? Okay, that's easy. It involves regurgitating food to chew on it some more..." Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Me: "Okay, then by definition you've 'proved' that rabbits don't chew the cud. But another culture might have a slightly broader definition which could easily include reprocessing food after excreting it as fecal pellets, which is what rabbits do, and which the Encyclopedia Britannica says is 'comparable to cud-chewing in ruminants.'" Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Mary: "I suppose you're also going to say that since we don't know how evolution took place, life must have come about by creation." Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! Right! I guess he thinks that because scientists make mistakes, they're wrong about everything!" John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "I do?" Me: "We do?"
Mary: "I suppose you believe the Bible is God's Word just because it says it is." Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "No. It's true that the Bible says it is God's Word. But the claim itself is not its own validation. The validation is in things like the supernatural fulfillments of prophecies given as signs that the messages were spoken by God." Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "I don't get it." John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "Oh, never mind. So, do you also have a problem with the commandment against adultery?" Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: [She blushes.] Mary: She blushes.
John: [Sees her blush and eyes her suspiciously.] "Well, no. Adultery is wrong. I'll go along with that." John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Mary: "Well, but what if someone is just not...er, finding fulfillment in her marriage?" Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: [To Mary] "Fulfil--? What are you saying? Adultery is still wrong!" John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Mary: "What, not even a little fling? Maybe like in that old movie, Same Time Next Year? That made it seem okay..." Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
John [Looks positively stricken.] Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: [He's shouting now.] "Mary, how can you talk that way! Adultery is wrong, no matter what excuses you make for it!" John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Mary: "Even with sauerkraut?" Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
John: [Holds his head in his hands] "Sauerkraut? Sauerkraut? What the heck are you talking about?" Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
Mary: "Say, that's catchy. Hey, I'm not some kind of evil deviant, you know. Quit being such a rigid moral absolutist." John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
John: "What are you saying? I suppose you're going to tell me next that adultery is fine, because it's fun and you do it all the time?" Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: "Well, of course it's fun! Isn't that all that matters?" [John gets so angry at this that he raises a fist as if to punch Mary, but at the sight of this she faints.] Mary: She faints.
John: [He catches Mary.] "Mary, I'm so confused. How could I have known that you would do such a thing? I'm hurt, I'm enraged... I feel like I want revenge... My Lord, it all makes it so hard to believe that sex is no more important than eating a hot dog or going skiing..." John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's butt for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

Still confused and rambling, John dragged Mary to their waiting car and sped off.

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Copyright © 2000, MikeM. The following applies to the material quoted from Jim Huber's website (the stuff on the right-hand side of the page above):

Copyright © 1997 and or 1998 by Jim Huber, all rights reserved. Permission granted to copy, in whole or in part, for personal use. Permission granted to redistribute provided all notices are included, and no fee of any kind is charged. Fees specifically include reproduction, distribution, and media costs, and donations. Commercial use prohibited without written permission from the author.

Basically, I want credit, and if someone makes a lot of money from this stuff, I want a cut. I'm including the part about costs and donations because I've seen those used as loop-holes to get around not-for-profit distribution notices. --Jim Huber

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