Los Simpsons
Ya son todo un clásico. Al principio
de la década pasada nadie se imaginaba que una serie de
televisión norteamericana llevaría los comics al nivel de
obra maestra. Ahora (2002) ha llegado la hora de acabar por fin
la serie: ninguna obra maestra resiste doce años de
emisión semanal. Como homenaje, o simplemente para reir,
presento una cuidadosa selección de las mejores frases que han
visto la luz en la serie. Están en inglés, me
ahorro la tarea de traducirlas pues son breves destellos de (in)genio y
se mutilarían inevitablemente.
Resultó difícil abstenerme, pero no pude y terminé por elaborar también una lista de los mejores y peores episodios de los Simpsons en sus primeras 10 temporadas.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!
Here's to alcohol : The source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.
I like my beer cold ... my TV loud ... and my homosexuals flaming.
I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes ... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty ... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whats-his-name?
What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.'Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss. 'Number three, 'it was like that when I got here
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose : it's how drunk you get.
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't. It's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.
See boy, the real money is in bootlegging, not your childish vandalism.
Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Alcohol is a way of life, alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.
I know what is going on here. They did it to Jesus. Now they are doing it to me.
Marge : Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?
Homer : Only in bowling ability
Bart : Gee ... Sorry for being born.
Homer : I've been waiting for so long to hear that.
Ahhh ... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
Sure, IN theeoory, in theory communism works ...
Lisa: DAAADD! You can't just leave us, we need a babysitter!
Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it'll be a hilarious situation.
(The episode where Homer is elected as Garbage Commissioner...)
Quimby: Simpson, you idiot! you've spent your entire years budget already?!
Homer: What?! oh no!
Quimby: you better think of some way to handle this, and fast!
Homer: Wait! I've got the perfect idea!
Quimby: Good, those garbage men won't work for free.
Homer: Doh!
And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
Alright brain, you don't like me and I don't like you, but let's get through this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
(Homer get's into a truck and is ready to roll)
Bart: Can I come with you Dad?
Homer: Don't you have school?
Bart: Don't you have work?
Homer: Ahh, Touché.
The Internet. Is that stupid thing still around?
(Simpson's are low on money, Marge's idea is for Homer to give up beer... )
Homer: I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.
Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
God : Thou hast forsaken My Church!
Homer : Uh, kind-of ... b-but ...
God : But what
Homer : I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
God : [pause] Hmm ... You've got a point there.
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and ... um ... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all.
"I like you as a friend."
"I think we should see other people."
"I don't speak English."
"I'm married to the sea."
"I don't wanna kill you, but I will.
"... Six simple words : I'm not gay, but I'll learn. ( advice to Lisa on boys ).
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
Trying is the first step towards failure
"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"
Poor man, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy....A dinosaur.
Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Stupid risks are what make life worth living.
Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
So here's the deal : you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign ... OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign ... Thy will be done!
Forty seconds? But I want it now!
[reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY key? I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"]. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB key].
Smithers : Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
Homer : I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.
Marge : Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer : Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God ...
Kent Brockman: If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning.
Announcer: Warning: tickets should not be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.
Homer: (with his new name Max Power) Kids, there's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!
Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, dear.
Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work.
Homer: "Uh-huh."
Lisa: It's just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
Marge: Homer, I've got someone here who can help.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, it's a scientist.
Homer: Batman is a scientist.
Marge: It's not Batman!
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Marge: Homer, how on Earth are the kids going to get home?
Homer: I Dunno... Internet?
Homer: (On God) He's my favorite fictional character.
Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer's Brain: Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer's Brain: Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer's Brain: My God! He is coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
Homer's Brain: Aaaaaagh!
Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
I believe children are the future... unless we stop them now!
I'm going to act how America acts best... unilaterally!
I've come to hate my own creation! Now I know how God feels!
Excellent.
If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter 'E', you can keep your job.
Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say Hard cheese!
I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.
Smithers: Sir, I'm afraid we have a bad image, people see you as a bit of an ogre
Mr.Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones!
Mr. Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers? (Smithers) Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
As you can see, Simpson, I've taken over all 78 channels. And you wont see any of you favourite shows again until you give in... what's that you say? You can live without television as long as you have beer? ... Wrong. All beer trucks heading towards Springfield have been diverted. This town will be dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube jockeys have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: What country is that over there, it just screams capitalism.
Smithers: That´s Cuba sir.
Mr. Burns: Ok, land the plane Smithers.
Smithers: Sir, you're flying...
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Fifteen minutes from now I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city...... No one will be spared! NO-ONE!!
Hmmm. . . eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd rather keep the dollar.
Ah, Monday morning.... Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hungover drones.
Smithers, for attempting to kill me, Im giving you a 5% pay cut.
Oh, hello mother. Sorry for pulling the plug on you like that. Who knew you'd pull through....and live on for 5 decades?
Tell you what, if we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I'll owe you a coke.
Smithers, I have a saying, 'Keep yours friends near, but your enemies nearer.' As the years roll by he'll forget about this, little realizing the Sword of Damoclese is hanging over his head until...
Mr. Burns: Smithers use the amnesia ray on him.
Smithers: You mean the revolver sir?
Mr. Burns: Yes. And wipe your own memory clean when you're done.
You know, Smithers, I've always despised the laziness of the common worker. Then I realized his spirit was willing but his flesh was weak. So I replaced the flesh-which is weak-with steal, which is strong. Behold, the greatest breakthrough in laborrealtions since the cat o' nine tails!
But now it's time to say goodbye. Please get off my property, until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten minutes.
Marge´s mother: Why Monty you dance like the devil!
Mr. Burns: WHO TOLD YOU THAT!?
(Mr Burns is attempting to use the phone, so he can call Smithers...)
Burns: Hmm... I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times, how hard can it be? Ahh.... (starts pressing buttons) S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success! It's ringing!
I specifically said no geeks!
If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it is your duty as an American to do that. Why should the race always be to the swifter the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win mercifully because of the gifts god gave them? Bah! Well, I say, cheating is the gift Man gives himself!
Smithers, there´s a rocket in my pocket.
Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as a do-do.
Books and cocoa in the same store? What's next? A talking banana?
[The Ramones insult Mr. Burns at his birthday party.]
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: Sir, those aren't...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me really hit the spot.
Smithers, release the hounds
So, another Friday is upon us, what you´d be doing Smithers, something gay, no doubt!
Smithers, massage my brain.
If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of you and burn your town to cinders.
Chief Wiggum
Carl: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it, that house is 2 blocks away.
Carl: Looks like there's beer comin' out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot, call in at code 8
Carl: We need pretzels, repeat pretzels.
This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a car of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Just get one of those inflatible women, but make sure its a woman though, because one time I ... hehe.
Well, I am afraid we've got a budget problem, Mrs. Simpson. your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he'd done it at the start of fiscal year, no problemo.
Crazed Maniac: I just burnt down the orphanage down town and I'm afraid I'll do it again.
Chief Wiggum: Ok, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
Can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be 'policing' the whole city.
I said, government is powerless to protect you, not powerless to punish you.
Do not be alarmed, continue swimming naked. Aww, c'mon, continue! Come on! awwww... Alright, Lou, open Fire.
Any child found on the street after 10:00 will be shot, or retured to their parents, as the situation may warrant.
Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.
Sideshow Bob
"Attempted murder" Now honestly what is that? Do they give out a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?
Because you NEED me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king.
Yes, I'm aware of the hypocrisy of appearing on television in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.
I wish they taught shopping in school
Let's bake some cookies for the boys
Don't ask me - I'm just a girl (giggle)
Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
Thinking too much gives you wrinkles
My name is Stacy, but you can call me (wolf whistle)
Resultó difícil abstenerme, pero no pude y terminé por elaborar también una lista de los mejores y peores episodios de los Simpsons en sus primeras 10 temporadas.
Homer 
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!
Here's to alcohol : The source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.
I like my beer cold ... my TV loud ... and my homosexuals flaming.
I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes ... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty ... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whats-his-name?
What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.'Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss. 'Number three, 'it was like that when I got here
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose : it's how drunk you get.
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't. It's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.
See boy, the real money is in bootlegging, not your childish vandalism.
Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Alcohol is a way of life, alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.
I know what is going on here. They did it to Jesus. Now they are doing it to me.
Marge : Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?
Homer : Only in bowling ability
Bart : Gee ... Sorry for being born.
Homer : I've been waiting for so long to hear that.
Ahhh ... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
Sure, IN theeoory, in theory communism works ...
Lisa: DAAADD! You can't just leave us, we need a babysitter!
Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it'll be a hilarious situation.
(The episode where Homer is elected as Garbage Commissioner...)
Quimby: Simpson, you idiot! you've spent your entire years budget already?!
Homer: What?! oh no!
Quimby: you better think of some way to handle this, and fast!
Homer: Wait! I've got the perfect idea!
Quimby: Good, those garbage men won't work for free.
Homer: Doh!
And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
Alright brain, you don't like me and I don't like you, but let's get through this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
(Homer get's into a truck and is ready to roll)
Bart: Can I come with you Dad?
Homer: Don't you have school?
Bart: Don't you have work?
Homer: Ahh, Touché.
The Internet. Is that stupid thing still around?
(Simpson's are low on money, Marge's idea is for Homer to give up beer... )
Homer: I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.
Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
God : Thou hast forsaken My Church!
Homer : Uh, kind-of ... b-but ...
God : But what
Homer : I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
God : [pause] Hmm ... You've got a point there.
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and ... um ... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all.
"I like you as a friend."
"I think we should see other people."
"I don't speak English."
"I'm married to the sea."
"I don't wanna kill you, but I will.
"... Six simple words : I'm not gay, but I'll learn. ( advice to Lisa on boys ).
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
Trying is the first step towards failure
"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"
Poor man, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy....A dinosaur.
Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Stupid risks are what make life worth living.
Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
So here's the deal : you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign ... OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign ... Thy will be done!
Forty seconds? But I want it now!
[reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY key? I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"]. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB key].
Smithers : Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
Homer : I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.
Marge : Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer : Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God ...
Kent Brockman: If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning.
Announcer: Warning: tickets should not be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.
Homer: (with his new name Max Power) Kids, there's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!
Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, dear.
Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work.
Homer: "Uh-huh."
Lisa: It's just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
Marge: Homer, I've got someone here who can help.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, it's a scientist.
Homer: Batman is a scientist.
Marge: It's not Batman!
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Marge: Homer, how on Earth are the kids going to get home?
Homer: I Dunno... Internet?
Homer: (On God) He's my favorite fictional character.
Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer's Brain: Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer's Brain: Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer's Brain: My God! He is coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
Homer's Brain: Aaaaaagh!
Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
I believe children are the future... unless we stop them now!
I'm going to act how America acts best... unilaterally!
I've come to hate my own creation! Now I know how God feels!
Mr. Burns
Excellent.
If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter 'E', you can keep your job.
Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say Hard cheese!
I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.
Smithers: Sir, I'm afraid we have a bad image, people see you as a bit of an ogre
Mr.Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones!
Mr. Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers? (Smithers) Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
As you can see, Simpson, I've taken over all 78 channels. And you wont see any of you favourite shows again until you give in... what's that you say? You can live without television as long as you have beer? ... Wrong. All beer trucks heading towards Springfield have been diverted. This town will be dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube jockeys have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: What country is that over there, it just screams capitalism.
Smithers: That´s Cuba sir.
Mr. Burns: Ok, land the plane Smithers.
Smithers: Sir, you're flying...
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Fifteen minutes from now I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city...... No one will be spared! NO-ONE!!
Hmmm. . . eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd rather keep the dollar.
Ah, Monday morning.... Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hungover drones.
Smithers, for attempting to kill me, Im giving you a 5% pay cut.
Oh, hello mother. Sorry for pulling the plug on you like that. Who knew you'd pull through....and live on for 5 decades?
Tell you what, if we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I'll owe you a coke.
Smithers, I have a saying, 'Keep yours friends near, but your enemies nearer.' As the years roll by he'll forget about this, little realizing the Sword of Damoclese is hanging over his head until...
Mr. Burns: Smithers use the amnesia ray on him.
Smithers: You mean the revolver sir?
Mr. Burns: Yes. And wipe your own memory clean when you're done.
You know, Smithers, I've always despised the laziness of the common worker. Then I realized his spirit was willing but his flesh was weak. So I replaced the flesh-which is weak-with steal, which is strong. Behold, the greatest breakthrough in laborrealtions since the cat o' nine tails!
But now it's time to say goodbye. Please get off my property, until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten minutes.
Marge´s mother: Why Monty you dance like the devil!
Mr. Burns: WHO TOLD YOU THAT!?
(Mr Burns is attempting to use the phone, so he can call Smithers...)
Burns: Hmm... I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times, how hard can it be? Ahh.... (starts pressing buttons) S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success! It's ringing!
I specifically said no geeks!
If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it is your duty as an American to do that. Why should the race always be to the swifter the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win mercifully because of the gifts god gave them? Bah! Well, I say, cheating is the gift Man gives himself!
Smithers, there´s a rocket in my pocket.
Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as a do-do.
Books and cocoa in the same store? What's next? A talking banana?
[The Ramones insult Mr. Burns at his birthday party.]
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: Sir, those aren't...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me really hit the spot.
Smithers, release the hounds
So, another Friday is upon us, what you´d be doing Smithers, something gay, no doubt!
Smithers, massage my brain.
Bart 
Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so
thanks
for nothing.
Oh my God... the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.
Martin's campaign poster for class president: "A vote for Bart is a vote for anarchy!"
Bart's campaign poster: "A vote for Bart is a vote for anarchy!"
Bart: I'll go, disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he-
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.
Bart: Oh, recycling is useless, Lise. Once the sun burns out, this planet is doomed. You're just making sure we spend our last days using inferior products.
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again...
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Oh my God... the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.
Martin's campaign poster for class president: "A vote for Bart is a vote for anarchy!"
Bart's campaign poster: "A vote for Bart is a vote for anarchy!"
Bart: I'll go, disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he-
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.
Bart: Oh, recycling is useless, Lise. Once the sun burns out, this planet is doomed. You're just making sure we spend our last days using inferior products.
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again...
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Groundskeeper Willie
If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of you and burn your town to cinders.
Chief Wiggum
Carl: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it, that house is 2 blocks away.
Carl: Looks like there's beer comin' out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot, call in at code 8
Carl: We need pretzels, repeat pretzels.
This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a car of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Just get one of those inflatible women, but make sure its a woman though, because one time I ... hehe.
Well, I am afraid we've got a budget problem, Mrs. Simpson. your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he'd done it at the start of fiscal year, no problemo.
Crazed Maniac: I just burnt down the orphanage down town and I'm afraid I'll do it again.
Chief Wiggum: Ok, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
Can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be 'policing' the whole city.
I said, government is powerless to protect you, not powerless to punish you.
Do not be alarmed, continue swimming naked. Aww, c'mon, continue! Come on! awwww... Alright, Lou, open Fire.
Any child found on the street after 10:00 will be shot, or retured to their parents, as the situation may warrant.
Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.
Sideshow Bob
"Attempted murder" Now honestly what is that? Do they give out a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?
Because you NEED me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king.
Yes, I'm aware of the hypocrisy of appearing on television in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.
Malibu Stacey
I wish they taught shopping in school
Let's bake some cookies for the boys
Don't ask me - I'm just a girl (giggle)
Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
Thinking too much gives you wrinkles
My name is Stacy, but you can call me (wolf whistle)
Los 20 mejores episodios de los Simpsons
(La temporada se indica entre paréntesis)
Los peores episodios de los Simpsons
When you dish upon a star (10)
D'oh in' the wind (10)
Homer to the Max (10)
Simpson Tide (9)
King of the Hill (9)
You only move twice (8)
The Springfield files (8)
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious (8)
(La temporada se indica entre paréntesis)
Simpsons Bible Stories (10)
The Cartridge Family (9)
Das Bus (9)
The Homer they fall (8)
Bart after dark (8)
My sister, my sitter (8)
Bart sells his soul (7)
Team Homer (7)
Bart on the road (7)
22 short films about Springfield (7)
Treehouse of horror V (6)
Homie the Clown (6)
Cape Feare (5)
The Last temptation of Homer (5)
Lisa vs Malibu Stacey (5)
Homer the heretic (4)
Radio Bart (3)
Bart the lover (3)
Bart gets an F (2)
The crepes of wrath (1)
The Cartridge Family (9)
Das Bus (9)
The Homer they fall (8)
Bart after dark (8)
My sister, my sitter (8)
Bart sells his soul (7)
Team Homer (7)
Bart on the road (7)
22 short films about Springfield (7)
Treehouse of horror V (6)
Homie the Clown (6)
Cape Feare (5)
The Last temptation of Homer (5)
Lisa vs Malibu Stacey (5)
Homer the heretic (4)
Radio Bart (3)
Bart the lover (3)
Bart gets an F (2)
The crepes of wrath (1)
Los peores episodios de los Simpsons
When you dish upon a star (10)
D'oh in' the wind (10)
Homer to the Max (10)
Simpson Tide (9)
King of the Hill (9)
You only move twice (8)
The Springfield files (8)
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious (8)