By Erik H. Thoreson
Salon.com
Saturday, 12 October, 2002
With the publication of President Bush's statement of
strategic priorities,
a euphoric outburst of gleeful anticipation is sweeping across Europe.
America intends to make our world "not just safer but better" -- an
action
that will be "sustained by faith in the principles of liberty and the
value
of a free society." Bush intends "to extend the benefits of liberty
and
prosperity through the spread of American values and tangible rewards for
good governance." Discussion and speculation abound. What will the new
Americanized Europe look like?
No country will feel the effects of Americanization more than Norway, long
known for its naive view of social responsibility and fairness. American
values will liberate Norway from the repressive restrictions of its
social-democratic philosophy. While some disagreements continue over the
look of the New Norway, a general consensus on major changes is taking form.
After more than half a century of high-quality, universal and equal
healthcare treatment for all, Norwegians will adopt the more elegant
pay-as-you-go American system. The best medicine will be reserved for those
who can afford it. Those who can't will either join a limited service,
for-profit HMO or simply go without healthcare. After all, who said
healthcare was a right? It is a privilege for those who have earned the
right to pay for it. As part of the same exciting transformation, Europeans
will soon be paying
four to 10 times more for their prescription drugs, bringing pricing in line
with the American experience. Americans understand pharmaceutical
corporations have to make strong profits so they can develop new drugs. The
American way is to solve every problem with a pill, so drug company profits
must be protected at all costs.
To improve their safety and allow them to defend their personal property,
Europeans will be encouraged to own and carry handguns, assault rifles and
any other weapons they want. There is little doubt Europe will be the
"safer" place promised by Bush once capital punishment returns,
offering
people the same deterrent protection against the murder of children and
other innocents Americans enjoy.
Marijuana users will face long-term incarceration, raising public morality
while also creating a boom in penal institution construction and increased
employment not only for building tradesmen but individuals attracted to the
dynamic new profession of prison guard.
Global fast-food companies will put small restaurants out of business,
allowing Europeans to enjoy the security of knowing that no matter where
they travel, the food will always taste, smell and look identical and be
served by minimum wage, uniformed high school kids or pensioners.
McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Subway and other franchises will eliminate the
anxiety of restaurant choice. As all European towns will look the same once
the franchises and strip malls have been installed, Americans will no longer
have to visit six countries in 10 days during their once-in-a-lifetime
overseas trip. Stand a group of Europeans next to a group of Americans, and it
is obvious
the former are nutritionally deprived. Once fast-food restaurants take over,
Europeans will grow to their proper size. And the economic benefits will be
multiple: Big and Tall shops will open in all countries, and a
billion-dollar diet industry will spring up. Foul-tasting low-fat foods will
be everywhere. No food product will ever again be sold without a package
claim of 10 to 99 percent less fat, calories, sodium, etc., etc.
Food animals will be raised the American way. No longer will chickens,
lamb, beef cattle or any food animal be denied the benefits of growth
hormones and antibiotic maxi-doses. Grains will all be biotech and farms
will be run by huge corporations, which will benefit everyone. Selfish
small-acreage farms will be swallowed up. Enormous food animal facilities
will allow neighbors from miles around to smell the sweet scent of animal
waste day and night. The sharing of animal droppings in streams, rivers and
lakes will promote new exotic plant growth in unexpected places, greening
our dull European world and delighting everyone.
Europeans will no longer have to endure the burden of producing their own
products. All items needed for good living will be produced in Third World
countries. Even better, each town, large or small, will have at least one
Wal-Mart to sell those goods. Wal-Mart will no longer be just "America's
store" -- it will supply the world with low-priced goods while providing
minimum-wage, 28-hour-a-week, no-benefits jobs for a permanent class of
service serfs. As an added benefit, the congestion that has long plagued
town centers in Europe will be relieved once Wal-Mart puts most small retail
stores out of business.
When it comes to work, it'll be time for lazy Europeans to come to terms
with the fact that "La Dolce Vita" may have been a great movie, but
it's an
unprofitable way to live. Four or more weeks of vacation a year will be
replaced by two weeks (after two years of work).
Taxes formerly levied on the rich will be transferred to the middle class,
creating a shortfall. Governments will then be justified in cutting back on
public transportation or forcing it to privatize. Once railways and bus
systems go on the auction block, automobile corporations will snap them up,
as they did in many parts of America, and quickly bankrupt them. This will
dramatically increase the need for cars, which will greatly increase
employment in low-wage countries around the world. It won't be long before
all Europeans either own or dream of the day they will own an American-made
SUV. These gas-guzzling polluters will warm the earth, bringing a smile to
the face of freedom-loving Eskimos, Siberians and researchers in Baffin
Land.
Europe's confusing and chaotic political parties will be eliminated,
replaced by a one-party system pretending to be two. Europeans will learn
that what they previously considered corruption (giving huge cash donations
to politicians to gain access and consideration) is really "free
speech." At
last they will be permitted to enjoy yearlong campaigns. No more six-week
campaigns without TV advertising. And those weekly forums when the leaders
of each party sit together and present their visions to the public --
b-o-r-i-n-g. American-style attack ads will bring pizzazz and entertainment
back to politics.
After years of dangerous transparency, Norwegian politicians will no longer
be required by "sunshine" laws to turn over all correspondence not
related
to national security to any citizen who asks to see it. As Vice President
Dick Cheney and the top oil executives who helped him formulate America's
energy policy know, no government becomes great by letting the people in on
what it is doing!
Europe will adopt American accounting rules, allowing CEOs to adjust the
profit figures and enrich executives, who are already paid 500 times the
wage of ordinary workers. Golden parachutes and $1 million-a-year retirement
packages for CEOs will give European executives the incentive to do a better
job for shareholders. Government oversight of corporate business conduct
will be replaced by the American system of self-regulation, which has proven
to be so effective.
For too many years Norwegians and other Europeans have been neglecting
their economic -- which means patriotic -- responsibilities. "Living
within
one's means" is a fine-sounding phrase, but it does nothing to help
national
economies to grow. Consequently, all Europeans will be sent five to 20
credit cards so they can begin to incur a level of debt consistent with
American freedom and values.
"Whenever I hear the word 'culture,' I reach for my revolver,"
Goebbels
said, and his far-seeing words will provide the parameters for a bold new
market-based approach to the arts and entertainment. Tax-supported public
television stations will be sold to commercial interests. The discredited
20th century notion of airways belonging to the people will be history, as
will the limited economic potential of broadcasting for the public good.
Global media companies will decide what news or programs the public will
see. Europeans will discover how much better entertainment is when a program
is interrupted every 10 minutes to air five commercials!
A new era of victimhood will lead Norwegians to sue en masse for punitive
damages. Presently Norwegians are expected to watch where they are going;
they assume their accidents to be at least in part their responsibility.
When American values prevail, this bizarre delusion will vanish, increasing
the number of trial lawyers and other underrepresented professionals.
Sustainable energy schemes like Denmark's electricity-producing windmills
will be stopped. People will be encouraged to use energy created with oil
and coal. God put it there in the ground for our use; it would be wrong to
turn our back on His gift. Europeans will realize that the Kyoto treaty is
an insult to man's rightful dominion over nature. No country should ever
sign treaties that might cause corporations to spend more money and thereby
reduce profits: in the words of President Bush, "I'm not doing anything
that
will hurt the American economy." Once American values are in place, no
country in Europe will have to care about or cooperate with, any other
country in the world. That's freedom!
Europeans will accept that the best use! of historic buildings is as
gigantic billboards. If the Coliseum must stay in its present location, its
name will be changed to the "Nike Coliseum." The preservation of
culture,
traditions, history and even language must be justified economically.
Ninety-five percent of all Norwegians may currently attend Independence Day
parades and celebrations, but no marketing studies have been carried out to
determine whether these events generate enough business to make them
economically feasible. If they do not, they must be ceased. Global
soft-drink corporations will place their vending machines in every school,
bending children's minds to assure brand loyalty and create lifelong
consumers.
With American values will come a mass influx of toupees. Unlike in Europe,
no American politician, political pundit or news analyst appears to have
ever lost a single hair. Moreover, research indicates that almost all
American politicians who wear toupees avoided military service in their
youth. One theory is that toupee wearers are better able to tolerate the
heat of the false hair on their heads since they were never required to wear
helmets.
Finally, American values will enable Europeans to fulfill their real
obligations. Instead of wasting their tax money on healthcare, social
programs, repair of roads, bridges and support of cultural programs, the
money will be spent on defense. The European Union will emerge as a potent
military force. That will eliminate the endless time and millions of dollars
needed to work in harmony with the rest of the world. Europe can turn all
its efforts inward and not worry about things like world poverty, disease,
the environment, global warming, pollution, brutal dictatorships or hunger.
If other countries don't like it, tough. Like America, Europe will be a
shining city of freedom on the distant hill, needing no one and watching out
only for its own interests.
We can hardly wait.
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About the writer : Erik H. Thoreson spends six months a year in his native
land, Norway. He regularly comments on the state of America.
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