"Tear me open, pour me out, theres things inside that scream and shout" To outward appearance i suppose i am fairly normal in most respects. Sure i have the tattoos and priecings and the occasional blue hair, but over all i look just like a million other people in this world. But deep inside there are ghost that haunt me, i am for lack of a better word, a monster. People see only what i choose to show them, a mask if you will, but my demons dwell within me, where few can see. This is a small attempt to explain the making of a monster, or failing that i think of it at least as therapeutic to push the monsters out into the light. Simply put the dark face of death lies under my skin. Back in the 80's i was in the army, stationed in Honduras and a few other places i am not at freedom to talk about. Having been trained by the Rangers as a sniper, my job was simple. Find the target and sanction him. Sanction, is such a petty word for killing, but i suppose the powers that be think it more noble a word than murder. Whatever word you use to define it, it all means the same thing does it not? It was not that these people i was removing were not with out their crimes. Many did indeed deserve what they got, but in the end i paid the highest price of all....my soul. After five and a half years i left the Rangers, oddly enough it was not because i had developed a guilt complex, it was right the opposite, i felt nothing. Death was such a close companion to me that i lost all sense of right and wrong. I hated what i had become, because the evil meant nothing. Returning to the states i made a quick recovery, or so i had thought, but you can not escape your monsters so easily. The demons i carried from my past worked hard at destroying my new life. I married because i guess i thought that was normal. I was wrong and it ruined my life, two kids and years later i realized this but now i had damaged innocent lives. I love my children very much, a part of me always will but i know they are better with their mother. I never fully learned to cope with people. As a means of defense i set out to push everyone back. My logic was if you don't let them close, they can't hurt you. I had to learn to control the monsters, and it was not easy but i managed. Reading this you may get the impression i am a violet man, not true. I detest angry and hatred, but if it comes my way i know at least how to deal with it. I am shocked when people tell me how my past is so cool and how they would mow down the enemy with out so much as a blink. LOL until you have been there and take life, you will never understand the huge price that comes with the action. In my travels since i have worked as a police photographer, not so much a dangerous job, but you really see the world as it is, the evil men do to each other, and all for the crazist of reasons. I have also done time as a freelance photographer, traveling the world, seeing the good and bad of it all. I have found love only to loose it again to the ravishes of disfuctional social graces, I have help friends while they lay dying, and been powerless to help those in need. All this and more are grains of sand that have build a desert of my soul. Why tell you all this, why should you even care? The reasons are simple and have many sides, as i told you this little section allows you to understand why i am what i am, it also carries with it the foreshadow of your own life! Thats right, i started out in this world the same as each and everyone of you, i never in my life could dream up the path my life would take. The path came and before i knew it i was there walking it. So look at this little story (if you will) as a warning to watch you step, or one day you might find yourself dealing with the same issues. Learn peace and love. If the world were only filled with more dreamers and poets, then we would be a gentler people. What more can i say? perhaps in time i will add to this section as my life changes and goes onward. Take me home
"Tear me open, pour me out, theres things inside that scream and shout"
To outward appearance i suppose i am fairly normal in most respects. Sure i have the tattoos and priecings and the occasional blue hair, but over all i look just like a million other people in this world. But deep inside there are ghost that haunt me, i am for lack of a better word, a monster. People see only what i choose to show them, a mask if you will, but my demons dwell within me, where few can see. This is a small attempt to explain the making of a monster, or failing that i think of it at least as therapeutic to push the monsters out into the light.
Simply put the dark face of death lies under my skin. Back in the 80's i was in the army, stationed in Honduras and a few other places i am not at freedom to talk about. Having been trained by the Rangers as a sniper, my job was simple. Find the target and sanction him. Sanction, is such a petty word for killing, but i suppose the powers that be think it more noble a word than murder. Whatever word you use to define it, it all means the same thing does it not? It was not that these people i was removing were not with out their crimes. Many did indeed deserve what they got, but in the end i paid the highest price of all....my soul. After five and a half years i left the Rangers, oddly enough it was not because i had developed a guilt complex, it was right the opposite, i felt nothing. Death was such a close companion to me that i lost all sense of right and wrong. I hated what i had become, because the evil meant nothing.
Returning to the states i made a quick recovery, or so i had thought, but you can not escape your monsters so easily. The demons i carried from my past worked hard at destroying my new life. I married because i guess i thought that was normal. I was wrong and it ruined my life, two kids and years later i realized this but now i had damaged innocent lives. I love my children very much, a part of me always will but i know they are better with their mother. I never fully learned to cope with people. As a means of defense i set out to push everyone back. My logic was if you don't let them close, they can't hurt you. I had to learn to control the monsters, and it was not easy but i managed. Reading this you may get the impression i am a violet man, not true. I detest angry and hatred, but if it comes my way i know at least how to deal with it. I am shocked when people tell me how my past is so cool and how they would mow down the enemy with out so much as a blink. LOL until you have been there and take life, you will never understand the huge price that comes with the action.
In my travels since i have worked as a police photographer, not so much a dangerous job, but you really see the world as it is, the evil men do to each other, and all for the crazist of reasons. I have also done time as a freelance photographer, traveling the world, seeing the good and bad of it all. I have found love only to loose it again to the ravishes of disfuctional social graces, I have help friends while they lay dying, and been powerless to help those in need. All this and more are grains of sand that have build a desert of my soul. Why tell you all this, why should you even care? The reasons are simple and have many sides, as i told you this little section allows you to understand why i am what i am, it also carries with it the foreshadow of your own life! Thats right, i started out in this world the same as each and everyone of you, i never in my life could dream up the path my life would take. The path came and before i knew it i was there walking it. So look at this little story (if you will) as a warning to watch you step, or one day you might find yourself dealing with the same issues. Learn peace and love. If the world were only filled with more dreamers and poets, then we would be a gentler people.
What more can i say? perhaps in time i will add to this section as my life changes and goes onward.
Take me home
