Jeremy Patrick <jhaeman@hotmail.com>

Stepping Out June, 2000

Usually when people write autobiographies, they focus on the successes of their lives; if they haven’t had many successes they focus on all the hardships they’ve endured, thereby making themselves appear noble. A common trait of autobiographies is that, consciously or unconsciously, the authors write to emphasize their virtues and downplay their vices.

It was with some surprise then, that I read Who Am I: An Autobiography of Emotion, Mind, and Spirit by Yi-Fu Tuan (University of Wisconsin Press, 1999). Yi-Fu Tuan is one of the world’s foremost geographers. The term "geographer" misleads many, because he is not known for studying rock formations or mineral deposits. Instead, Yi-Fu Tuan is famous for demonstrating how our environment influences and is influenced by our peculiar human characteristics.

Who Am I proceeds in a manner unlike most autobiographies; it is arranged not chronologically, but divided into chapters by the kinds of matters discussed: public, personal, and intimate. Who Am I covers Tuan’s life as a child in China, his early emigration to Australia, and his final move to the United States as a graduate student and eventual Professor. There is also some discussion of his family, friends, and career.

The main focus of the book, however, is on Tuan’s search for his "self"; that is, who, in essence, he really is. What makes this book different is that Tuan doesn’t try to make himself noble or likable; he readily admits his failings, such as cowardice and listlessness. From his writings, we can tell he is terribly lonely—not because he can’t establish intimate relationships, but because he is afraid to: "My timidity in regard to life is most conspicuous in the area of personal relationships. I seldom initiate one because I dread rebuff, or, worse, acceptance followed by betrayal." (p. 119)

Why did I choose this book to review for a GLBT newspaper? I was wondering that myself for quite a while; although advertised under "Gay Studies," the first mention of the author’s homosexuality doesn’t take place until page 83 and the book is only 131 pages long.

It quickly became clear, however, that the author’s search for his "self," and the extreme loneliness he discovers, are linked to his being gay. His fear of rejection, which has kept him from establishing even one intimate relationship in his entire adult life, is directly related to and exacerbated by his homosexuality. Thus, he turns all of his energies to his work: "Without . . . my delight in the harmonies of nature . . . my life would be miserable—unlivable. I am saved by geography." (p. 88)

Who Am I is a deep and well-written tale of a somewhat tragic figure. It does not provide humorous anecdotes or tear-evoking memories like some autobiographies. Nor does it deal at length with queer issues. It is, however, a rare look at a man who has isolated himself from human relationships and the consequences that ensue. I don't know if Who Am I is an enjoyable book, but it is certainly a thought-provoking one.

(c) 2000 Jeremy Patrick