HOW TO BE A COOL GREEK
CHAPTER 1: HOW TO BE A COOL GREEK (oh panayia mou !!)
1. Wear clothes of two colors: black or white.
2. Own a cell phone and use it at inappropriate times- in church,
restaurant, funeral, wedding, date.
3. Refer to anyone who's not Greek disparagingly as "xeni" and
pity them for not being as cultured and sophisticated as the
greeks.
4. Have predominantly Greek friends, with a few token "xeni"
thrown in for diversity. Talk Greek when the "xeni" are around.
5. Dress as though you are headed for a club when you're actually
going to work or to class.
6. If you are a Greek woman, stare menacingly at other women
around you,especially if they're richer or more attractive than you.
7. If you are a Greek guy, be sure not to bathe to achieve an
"earthy" scent, then try to mask it with a lot of cologne; the
combination drives the babes wild.
8. Smoke as if it were your last day on earth...and smoke only
Marlboros.
9. Travel only in droves of 10 or more & be as loud as possible at
all times.
10. If you're single, go to all Greek intercollegiate parties and
all GOYA conferences, even if you're 45 years old.
11. If you're a single Greek over 30, tell everyone you're in your
20s even if you're pushing 50.
12. If you're a single Greek guy, tell women you're a "successful
businessman" or that you "own a successful business back in Greece"
even if you're an unemployed goat farmer.
13. Dirty dance to Greek folk music.
14. Wear only "designer" labels-even if you buy them off a cart on
a sidewalk in Manhattan.
15. Make sure "designer" labels are extremely visible, preferably
embroided on the front of the apparel.
16. If you are a Greek guy, walk 10 feet in front of your woman
and call her only when you want sex. Then go into a deep depression and
lament the "theft" of your woman when she dumps you for another guy.
17. If you're a Greek guy, be indifferent and rude to any woman
you're interested in dating, especially if she's Greek.
18. If you're a Greek guy, date "xenes" that treat you like crap
but marry a Greek woman you can treat like crap.
19. If you're a Greek woman, date "xeni" you can treat like crap
but marry a Greek guy that treats you like crap.
20. Wear a leather jacket at ALL times...even in the summer.
21. Tell Canadian aquaintances that money is never an object, even
if you only have ten bucks to your name.
22. Guys: if you have hair, get it cut every week and use at least
3 different styling products; if you're bald, develop a big ego to
mask your insecurity. (Applicable to short men also.)
23. Make sure you install every possible option in your car, even
if your car is a Yugo.
24. Own a sports car, even if its a piece of crap.
25. Claim to be a devout Orthodox Christian but know nothing about
the religion other than the date of your nameday.
26. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
27. If you are a Greek woman, dye your hair an obviously fake
shade of blonde that is nonexistent in nature and swear that it's
natural.
28. If you are a Greek-Canadian/American/Australian/anything else, act like your father was royalty
back in Greece but fell into hard times after the 1973 coup.
29. Pump Greek music in the 'hood'
