December 2, 2003: Viva Vienna

Think life is not funny? Come to Austria!

December 2, 2003

VIENNA--Well, life in the Nevada and, hell, the whole United States has been decidedly unfunny lately. Things in Iraq are going less than splendidly, and Californians are waking up in the dead of night with the sudden realization: Good God, we just elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be our LEADER!

And if you've seen the intersection of McCarran Boulevard and South Virginia Street lately, you've probably been driven to tears.

Therefore, the Daily Sparks Tribune Humor Column Department (DSTHCD) decided to send itself to Vienna (speaking of Arnold Schwarzenegger) in search of mirth and frivolity. And boy howdy, did we ever find it!

I am writing this from an Internet Cafe in the middle of Vienna, about two blocks away from Stephansdom, the famous church that's more than 800 years old. The convergence of modern-day technology is stunning. So is the fact that this keyboard was apparently designed as some sort of prank. The z and the y keys are reversed, and none of the punctuation marks are anywhere near where they are supposed to be. As a result, it's taken me seven hours to write these four paragraphs.

But I digress. This country, as a whole, has proven itself to be completely insane. All of the following things have really happened in the four days that I have been here:

-- One night at Stadtpark, less than 50 yards from the statue memorializing legendary composer Johann Strauss, I witnessed a group of Japanese tourists get joyously excited over: a patch of grass. I swear this happened. Curious, my friend, Garrett, and I examined the patch of grass and found nothing extraordinary.

-- At the Hofburg Complex, the palatial home of the Habsburg dynasty's ruling family for some 600 years, the public bathrooms feature condom dispensers that are NOT subtle about what they're selling.

-- Apparently, restaurant sanitation regulations are somewhat relaxed here. At a restaurant adjacent to the Hofburg Complex -- and it should be noted that this was a nice restaurant, with the waiters wearing tuxedos -- Garrett witnessed a waiter take the leftover rolls from our table's bread basket, and place them in another basket.

-- At another restaurant, also with waiters wearing tuxedos, a dog -- they are allowed in restaurants here, for the most part -- peed at the base of one of the wooden walls just inside the restaurant. This dachshund was apparently claiming the restaurant as his "territory."

-- In other dog-related news, the pooper-scooper has apparently not been introduced to this section of Europe. That's all I will say.

I am also compelled to report that a great deal of American culture, if you can call it that, has oozed its way to Austria. While I have been here, I have eaten at McDonald's, and I have enjoyed a gingerbread latte at Starbucks.

Both experiences were quite similar to their American equivalences. (For example, the food at McDonald's was greasy and somewhat disgusting; the coffee at Starbucks cost about three times what it should have.) But there were some slight differences, too. At McDonald's, the ketchup costs extra (.20 Euros per packet). And at Starbucks, they actually give folks the option of using mugs if dining in, rather than just giving everyone paper cups by default.

I have also encountered, but not visited, a Pizza Hut; several Subway restaurants; and ads featuring Andre Agassi trying unsuccessfully to look sexy.

I have also encountered one more thing that I must share: Weinachtspunsch. A Christmas tradition in this part of the world, it is a hot concoction consisting of two parts apple cider, and about seven parts booze. Let me tell you, this stuff is GREAT. So great, in fact, I just may stay here for a while, at least until they stop serving the Weinachtspunsch. Consider it an exchange program: America gets Schwarzenegger, and Austria gets Boegle.

Well, I had better go. My time at this Internet cafe is about to run out. And so is my Weinachtspunsch.