To steal a really old cliche', I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Around Christmas, the evil demon cold from hell got me. Before and since, it has seemingly gotten everybody in the greater Sparks-Reno area. Over the past few months, an average conversation around here between two people has went like this:
Person 1: HONK! Sniff! So, how's it going? SNORT?
Person 2: Well, things are ACHOOOO! I mean, things are fine.
Person 1 (now covered with phlegm and spittle from person #1): Glad to SNORT hear it. Do you have a Kleenex? HONK HONK.
Person 2: Um, I just ran out. I need sniff sniff sniff sniff to go get some ACHOOO! more.
Person 1: Oh, dear. That's SNORK terrible.
Person 2: Sir, there is a serious booger hanging from your sleeve.
Person 1: Now that's a pisser.
Anyway, you get the point; I may have been exaggerating a bit (for example, few people make frequent use of the word "pisser").
I had the evil demon cold from hell for about two weeks. I did not miss work and I ended up being blamed for infecting everybody else at work even though other people there had it before me (they even named the illness the "Boeglebonic flu"). In the meantime, I blew my nose so much that it got red and chapped to the point I feared it was going to fall off. It looked like I was snorting a really freakish combination of stuff from the Sparks Police Department evidence locker, and then topping that off by rubbing down my face with coarse sandpaper.
And as I discovered last week, the really horrible thing about this evil demon cold from hell is that it does not just get you, kick your butt for a week or more and then leave. No, no, no. That would be too simple. Like Bill Clinton and sex scandals, this cold keeps coming back for more.
Last Wednesday -- and I am sure many of you can relate to this -- I got that tickle in my throat. Then, my throat was sore. I started sneezing. And before I knew it, my nose was running like the Truckee River about 25 months ago.
The evil demon cold from hell is back.
This time, however, its force has been muted. I do not feel too bad, and I am not scaring small children with my red, chapped face. I even think I am already getting over it.
The fact that this cold is so persevering and widespread has got me wondering whether evil forces are at work. Where did such an evil cold come from? I have several theories:
1. An evil plot by facial tissue manufacturers. Maybe the manufacturers of Kleenex and other tissues have gotten together and spread this virus. I, personally, have used enough Kleenex over the past six weeks to fill the Helms Sparks Marina Pit several times over (not to be gross). I would not be surprised if chapstick and lotion manufacturers are also somehow involved.
Goodness. I hope the makers of Preparation H do not get the idea to spread a virus like that...
2. An evil plot by Microsoft. It is not out of the realm of possibility that Bill Gates is spreading the virus, is it? I think he may be planning on packaging a cure for the cold along with the next version of Windows. Maybe he decided he needed to put another bug in the world, feeling as there are not enough in his software.
No... never mind. Even Bill Gates would not stoop to such a level. There are plenty of bugs in his software. Ever use Word 6.0?
3. An evil plot by the National Basketball Association. You're coming off a lockout in which basketball players were, with serious looks on their faces, talking about going broke despite the fact that they have made millions of dollars over the past years (and fathered almost as many illegitimate children). Plus, Michael Jordan is retired. How do you get fans back! Easy! By spreading a virus so people will stay home and watch basketball.
Actually, this theory has a problem, too. The only NBA teams around here -- the Sacramento Kings and the Golden State Warriors -- take sucking to a level even Monica Lewinsky can't imagine. Therefore, I have no idea why the NBA would bother infecting Sparks/Reno with the virus.
OK, so these ideas are a little off. I guess the evil demon cold from hell is just a normal virus that we'll have to wait it out, even if we all get sick a zillion times.
Now, that's a real pisser.
Jimmy Boegle, a fifth-generation Nevadan, dedicates this column to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer; many of us cold victims can now relate to his plight. Jimmy's column appears Tuesdays; he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@alumni.stanford.org.