We in the newspaper business have an obsession that rears its ugly head around each and every New Year's Day: Top 10 lists. I am not sure why this is, but I suspect that it may have something to do with the fact that Top 10 lists are easy to do, and we newspaper writers would rather spend our time making up inane lists than actually doing something like meaningful, in-depth reporting. I mean, there are parties to attend, glasses of champagne to drink.
Now, if only someone would INVITE us to these parties. And buy us some champagne ...
But I digress. Because I am required by newspaper column writer code to do at least one top 10 list (or else I could face some hideous punishment involving George Will, Steve Sneddon, cotton candy and twist ties), I give you this column. Enjoy it, unless you hate stupid Top 10 lists, in which case you should revel in the fact that New Year's is almost over.
Top 10 Places to Eat Breakfast in the Truckee Meadows in 2001: 1. Peg's Glorified Ham n' Eggs; 2. Heidi's Family Restaurant; 3. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts; 4. Wildwood Restaurant at the Gold Dust West (chicken-fried steak, specifically); 5. The Farm House at John Ascuaga's Nugget; 6. The Gold and Silver; 7. Denny's (for "Moons Over My Hammy"); 8 and 9. (TIE) Peppermill Coffee Shop and the Purple Parrot at the Atlantis; 10. IHOP.
Top 10 town names in Nevada in 2001: 1. Pahrump; 2. Lamoille; 3. Laughlin; 4. Jackpot; 5. Mogul; 6. Stagecoach; 7. Gabbs; 8. Tonopah; 9. Sparks; 10. Winnemucca.
Top 10 synonyms for "nose" in 2001: 1. schnoz; 2. nasal orifice; 3. blowhole; 4. snot dispenser; 5. booger cave; 6. honker; 7. whiffer; 8. trunk; 9. snorker; 10. Dave Aiazzi.
Top 10 closed casinos in Reno/Sparks in 2001: 1. Flamingo Reno; 2. Comstock (open, sort of, sans gaming); 3. Riverboat (technically leased, but nothing's going on); 4. Pioneer (RIP); 5. Mapes (RIP); 6. Harold's Club (RIP); 7. Dotty's Casino (might as well be closed); 8. Sundowner (oh, wait, it's still open ... my bad); 9. Nevada Club (RIP); 10. TBA.
Top 10 horrendous advertising campaigns in the Truckee Meadows in 2001: 1. Gold Dust West's cannibal cow puppets (kind of cute, really disturbing); 2. Glen Lerner, the "Heavy Hitter"; 3. That freakish female chicken with gargantuan human breasts from Joe Bob's restaurants; 4. Sands Hotel Casino with Ferenc Szony; 5. Rail City Casino and its idiot karaoke promotion; 6. KTVN's "Reno Survivor" (It's a commercial for the CBS show and nothing else); 7. Citifare ads featuring local luminaries, like Frankie Sue Del Papa and Jeff Griffin, falsely implying they ride the bus; 8. Harrah's Reno's ads claiming Gordie Brown is everything but the second coming of Christ; 9. Those Reno Gazette-Journal classifieds commercials that make me want to throttle someone; 10. The Siena, first advertising as a upper-class tourist resort and then suddenly deciding it is actually a locals' casino.
Top 10 animal noises in 2001: 1. meow; 2. woof; 3. hiss; 4. gobble gobble; 5. oink oink; 6. moo; 7. baa; 8. nay; 9. howl; 10. ffffffft
Top 10 excuses for not turning my a humor column on time in 2001: 1. Sherrie Doyle ate my column; 2. Irony is supposed to be dead; 3. I can't make up letters from imaginary readers because I am afraid of catching imaginary anthrax; 4. I was too busy watching the XFL; 5. I was too busy being "bootylicious"; 6. I was too busy watching reruns of "Match Game" on the Game Show Network; 7. I was having a not-so-fresh feeling; 8. All those disclaimers about side effects on those drug commercials made me feel ill; 9. The truth has been my only friend since 1910, and that depresses me; 10. I want to make fun of George W. Bush, but that's not done much now, even though he's still the same nitwit that he always was.
That's enough of this nonsense. Here's wishing everyone a peaceful 2002.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who points out that the year 2002 is spelled the same backwards as it is forwards, something that won't happen again until 2112. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.