March 2, 2004
The Daily Sparks Tribune Humor Column Department (DSTHCD) would like to officially announce that it is panicking so much that the underwear-dryness quotient of the department is in serious question.
Did you hear about the story that came out late last month in The Guardian, which is generally regarded as one of the finest papers in Great Britain? The one that said that, basically, that THE PENTAGON -- i.e. our military leadership -- believes we're all royally screwed because of global warming?
Of COURSE you didn't, because while this story was breaking, this nation's media and this nation's president were all up in arms about an issue that could doom us all: gay marriage.
(To the slow people out there: Please note the obvious sarcasm.)
If you want to read this story, you can check it out at http://www.guardian.co.uk/climatechange. But just for fun, here are the first four paragraphs from that story:
Climate change over the next 20 years could result in a global catastrophe costing millions of lives in wars and natural disasters.
A secret report, suppressed by US defence chiefs and obtained by The Observer, warns that major European cities will be sunk beneath rising seas as Britain is plunged into a 'Siberian' climate by 2020. Nuclear conflict, mega-droughts, famine and widespread rioting will erupt across the world.
The document predicts that abrupt climate change could bring the planet to the edge of anarchy as countries develop a nuclear threat to defend and secure dwindling food, water and energy supplies. The threat to global stability vastly eclipses that of terrorism, say the few experts privy to its contents.
"Disruption and conflict will be endemic features of life," concludes the Pentagon analysis. "Once again, warfare would define human life."
I think I speak for all residents of Sparks, the Truckee Meadows, Nevada, the United States, North America and the world when I say, assuming that this story is accurate: HOLY @&#$!
Meanwhile, as this was being revealed, the president of the United States, who is named George W. Bush for at least another 10 months, was taking a stand on gay marriage, declaring that our Constitution needs an amendment to protect the wonderful institution of marriage -- which is so wonderful that it even works half of the time!.
OK, let's be practical here for a minute, and put aside our beliefs in the Bible, what we THINK the Bible says, and what the thought of man-on-man or woman-on-woman action does to the appetites of some of our more uptight friends. Now that we've done that, let's ask ourselves: If gays and lesbians were allowed to engage in same-sex marriages tomorrow, would that lead to global catastrophe? Widespread rioting? Wars? London becoming Siberia? "Warfare defining human life?"
NO, IT WOULD NOT. And if you are one of those people who tries to blame the downfall of societies like the Romans on "decadence" like gay sex and gay marriages -- as if those things are tied together in any way -- I encourage you to really re-think your position on decadence as you speed down the road, alone, talking on your $300 cell phone in your 14-mile-per-gallon SUV to get your $4 cup of coffee.
Let me make one thing clear: We here at the DSTHCD are not raving environmentalists. We aren't left-wing pinkos. And we certainly love our country. We're a simple bunch. We enjoy basic pleasures, such as love, shelter, a good movie every now and then, dry underwear and a lack of nuclear armageddon brought on by instability caused by sudden climate changes. That's all. Really.
Therefore, in that spirit of love, home, cinema, dryness and no armageddon, we urge all people out there to please, start paying attention to what is important, and stop "worrying" about things that won't affect us in any way, shape or form.
Thank you. Now, we need to go find some more underwear.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona who thinks this Tuesday is just super. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalimni.org.