It's Nov. 3, and that means it is finally Election Day! We here at the Tribune hope that all of you were able to go out and perform your civil duty by voting in this crucial election.
Of course, this election day has been anticipated more eagerly than most because the various candidates did very well at performing their civic duties this year.
That is, if these duties include putting up little, obnoxious signs in any yard or field with a millimeter of open space; sending out so many campaign mailings that their number rivals the number of credit card solicitations appearing in area mailboxes; and putting on bunches of TV and radio advertisements showing the tact and maturity of Howard Stern at a Hooters restaurant.
Yes, the political advertisements this year have been incredibly negative. Close races in the U.S. Senate and gubernatorial races have led to especially harsh, nasty and often misleading ads. It seems most all of the commercials from the candidates from the various offices have sounded and looked something like this:
(Announcer's voice, speaking over a picture of the opposing candidate in which he or she looks incredibly constipated): Did you know that Sen. Bob Billbwat is one of the most evil senators ever to set foot in Washington? Yes, that is right: An article in the Pootville Times said Sen. Billbwat was, quote: "a evil dufus."
(The picture morphs into a graphic of Nevada, in which little trucks with "danger" signs on them are driving into the state, while little dollar signs are leaving the state. The announcer says): And he has been bad for Nevada. He has supported bringing nuclear waste to our beloved state, and has been overheard saying that nuclear waste, quote, "is spiffy for Nevada." And he has constantly voted to abolish Social Security and leave senior citizens in the streets, with so little money they can't even afford to by Depends undergarments.
(The screen now shows Sen. Billbwat face over Nevada, which is covered by a mushroom cloud): Call Sen. Billbwat. Tell him you think nuclear waste is bad, that Depends undergarments are good, and that he's a real dufus. Sen. Billbwat: Nevada will really suck if he is given six more years...)
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And of course, Sen. Billbwat has to immediately respond, and clutter the airwaves to dispute these half-truths with even more half-truths:
(A huge picture of the opponent, with a smile on his face that makes him appeared drugged, crazed, or possibly both. Announcer says): Rep. Ray Wooglewhip is a liar. With his pants on fire. He claims Sen. Bob Billbwat said he thinks Social Security is bad and that nuclear waste is good. This is not the case.
(Cuts to Sen. Billbwat, smiling and holding a baby while he bends over to kiss an older woman in a wheel chair): Sen. Billbwat has consistently voted against shipping nuclear waste to Nevada, and has even suggested a special tax cut on Depends undergarments. Does this sound like a man who is bad for Nevada? No. Not at all!
(Back to the crazed shot of Wooglewhip): Records show that Wooglewhip is really the person Nevadans should be scared of. He has always supported the party line, even when the party leadership suggested that Nevada be sold back to Mexico. And Wooglewhip's momma is sooo fat that when she sits around her house, she literally sits around her house! Wooglewhip. A bad man. With a fat momma.
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Okay, the political advertisements this year have not been quite that bad; I may be exaggerating. But then again, maybe I really am not.
After all, this election season has seen one of the U.S. Senate candidates from Nevada depict his opponent as a chicken in a TV commercial. This same candidate proceeded to insult an entire state by depicting West Virginians as money-grubbing rednecks.
And another ad, by a local state Senate candidate, accused his opponent (who has criticized welfare) of taking public assistance; but that public assistance was given when that man took in a 3-year-old nephew, a domestic violence victim, as a foster child. As a general rule, all foster parents receive government money.
I could go on and on; a judicial candidate calling his opponent a "criminal defense attorney" as if that were a bad thing (doesn't the Constitution have something about a right to an attorney?); a county commissioner candidate bringing up images of a temporary protection order sought by his opponent's then-wife -- without even telling that wife he was doing so.
These tactics make "yo momma" jokes almost desirable.
But we can breathe a big sigh of relief -- the ads are over, for the most part, for two more years. But for some reason, I was just a little less proud this year to go to the polls and perform my civic duty.
Jimmy Boegle, a fifth-generation Nevadan, is glad to have his column back after a five-month hiatus. His column appears Tuesdays in the Tribune.