I have no ideas for a cohesive column this week. So -- you guessed it -- it's time again to answer some fake reader mail.
What in the hell is John Ensign's problem? He's a conservative Republican who has been anti-abortion as long as I've known, but now he's got a commercial out, featuring the governor's wife, that makes him sound pro-choice. Did John Ensign have a brain transplant? -- Herman Winkletinker, Sparks
No, John didn't have a brain transplant. Bummer, huh?
It turns out that John Ensign is still anti-abortion, despite what that commercial, starring Dema Guinn, is trying to lead people to believe. In the commercial, Dema proudly announces that even though she's pro-choice, she thinks John Ensign is the best choice to be the newest U.S. senator from the great state of Nevada. However, she fails to mention that John Ensign is completely anti-abortion, and that he has even gone as far in the past to suggest he'd support a Constitutional ban on abortions.
This is just one of the commercials Ensign and the Republicans have sponsored that confuse people. Yet another commercial features Ensign in an office, wearing white coat, looking very much like a doctor. Then, in another commercial, he takes pot-shots at Ed Bernstein because Bernstein is (gasp!) a personal injury attorney.
It turns out that Ensign, when he's not running for the Senate (which he's practically been doing since the last Olympics), is veterinarian, which is a very noble profession that he should have no shame over whatsoever.
My question, however, is: What in the hell is wrong with being a personal injury attorney? And when it comes to being a senator -- a job in which the primary responsibility is to MAKE LAWS -- isn't it a good thing for someone to have a knowledge of laws like, say, a personal injury attorney would?
Now, if the Senate needed a de-worming -- and let me say I am completely convinced this is something the Senate may need -- then a veterinarian would come in very handy.
What in the hell is Ed Bernstein's problem? The Democrats have a television ad out alleging that John Ensign has been quoted as saying that an 11-year-old rape victim and her family should have "no choice" when it comes to an abortion. But if I'm correct, he didn't really say this. Did Ed Bernstein have a brain transplant? -- Werman Hinkletinker, Sun Valley
No, Ed didn't have a brain transplant. Bummer, huh?
It turns out that Ensign actually said that he believes finding a home for the baby of that 11-year-old (or a 12- or 13-year-old) would be "the best thing" to do. While that is still a topic that's up for debate, that is far from saying the family should have "no choice." This commercial is clearly misleading, if not blatantly inaccurate.
This is just one of the commercials Bernstein and the Democrats have sponsored that confuse people. Other commercials accuse Ensign's various senior-drug plans as evil and nasty; the commercials make it sound like John Ensign enjoys beating up old ladies, probably using a dangerous weapon, such as his hair.
What in the hell is the problem with these candidates, and why are they putting out all these misleading ads? Do they think we, the members of the voting public, have all had brain transplants? -- Terman Hinklewinker, Reno
You know, Terman? That's a damn good question.
Here's a small consolation: There's a mere month left in the campaign season, and then all this crap will go away. God, I hope.
You know, the more and more I hear about this Senate race, the more and more I'm becoming convinced that both of these candidates could use a serious de-worming.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who wonders what in the hell the Reno Gazette-Journal's designers were drinking when they came up with the paper's new design. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.