Wake the kids and call the neighbors: It's primary Election Day. And chances are, the neighbors will be home to take your call, considering that the primary election turnout in Nevada is lower than the voice of Dan Van Enoo on Quaaludes.
This primary Election Day comes at a time when Nevada politics is acting -- and this is the technical word that political scientists use -- drunk. Let's review things:
-- So-called conservatives, who are supposed to be all about smaller government and fiscal responsibility, are running amok spending money in an effort to support more government intrusion in peoples' lives.
-- There are a number of incumbent politicians who face a very real chance of losing, even though this almost never happens in Nevada.
-- The top two government officials in Nevada are still named "Kenny" and "Lorraine."
First, about conservatives. Because I am who I am -- a Stanford-educated Democrat who works for the "alternative" press and who is known on occasion to frequent establishments where drag queens can be found -- people say that I am a lefty pinko liberal. Yet, my political philosophy can be summed up nicely with the following phrase: Government should be as small as possible and should exist only to do things for society that individuals and organizations can't do. This is about as old-school conservative as you can get.
Yet in Nevada, we have all sorts of "conservatives" running around making assholes of themselves touting Question 2 and bashing Question 9. Question 2 is the anti-gay marriage constitutional amendment that's going to pass, and Question 9 is the marijuana legalization amendment that will probably fail.
Well, if you truly believe in less government, you would be opposed to Question 2, saying that government should stay the hell out of moral decisions on marriage -- that should be up to churches and individuals -- and you would be in favor of Question 9, saying people should be allowed to snork on a bong if they so choose.
Of course, this is NOT happening. What really cracks me up is how die-hard conservatives, led by Washoe County District Attorney Dick Gammick, are running around in a full-on snit over Question 9. This is despite the fact that evidence shows that marijuana leads to very little in terms of crime (except for a possible slight increase in the shoplifting of Fritos) and leads to very much in terms of law enforcement time and resources.
Whatever. I just don't get it. This just goes to show what happens when politicians like Gammick run opposed. They have too much time to run their mouths off.
Meanwhile, as the pro-big-government conservatives flit around trashing the little-government liberals (which would be a great very special episode of "The Twilight Zone" if it weren't real life), all sorts of incumbents are trying not to get their asses kicked in the election.
It's a fact that during the last several election cycles, you can count on one or two hands the number of incumbents that lose elections. It just doesn't happen. Yet, it's higgledy piggledy now. This is partially because of reapportionment, partially because of criminal issues and partially because of mere strangeness.
Come tomorrow, the political career of either Sharron Angle or Greg Brower will be at least temporarily over. Come November, the political career of Debbie Smith or, more likely, Don Gustavson will be through. That's because of reapportionment. And there's a chance that the same career deadness will happen to Sen. Maurice Washington and Reno City Councilwoman Sherrie Doyle. That's because of indictments.
And then, there is Kenny Guinn. Ah, yes, Kenny Guinn. The governor who has led this state to a whomping budget crisis, below-average schools and a medical crisis of epic proportions. Yeah, this is not all his fault, but if we had a budget surplus, grade-A schools and a groovy medical care system, he'd be taking credit, wouldn't he?
But this is beside the point, which is: Despite all the chaos and mediocrity, Guinn is essentially running unopposed. This makes sense -- as in dollars and cents -- considering he has enough campaign money to titillate Bill Gates' accountant. But still ... you'd THINK Guinn's mediocre performance would merit at least SOME opposition.
No. Instead, it's merited endorsements from teachers' unions.
That's it. I give up. I am going to back to bed. Screw the primary. Wake me up when things start to make sense again. I have a feeling I'll be in bed for quite some time.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who has learned from Kenny Guinn that a first name like "Jimmy" won't hurt his future political chances. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.