Would you like fries with that chicken head?


December 5, 2000

Every so often, a story comes down the pipeline about something truly disgusting popping up in someone's food. Well, last week was every so often.

Here's what happened: according to Virginia television station WVEC Channel 13 (motto: "13 Means News"), a woman named Katherine Ortega decided to stop in at a McDonald's restaurant in Newport News, Va. to get an order of chicken wings. While WVEC did not report on the quality of the chicken wings themselves, the station did an extensive report on the breaded chicken head that, Ortega claims, accompanied the order of wings.

On the WVEC.com Web site, there is a picture of someone holding the chicken head. To get a picture of what it looks like: Imagine someone taking a chicken head, complete with the beak and red comb, breading it in a tan-colored batter and cooking it. WVEC reported that "some feathers were visible," too.

Seeing as I have no circus geek lineage in my family, I found this to be horrifyingly disgusting. So, apparently, did Ms. Ortega.

"I usually look at my food, but I shouldn't have to look that closely to see that," she told WVEC. "My 5-year-old probably wouldn't have looked. He probably would have thought it was a chicken leg and eaten it."

And then, from the WVEC.com report, comes the most disturbing part of the whole story:

"The manager at McDonald's offered Ortega another order of chicken and offered to return the chicken's head to the distribution company."

OH MY GOD.

That's a conversation I wish I could have witnessed. "Ma'am, I am terribly sorry that you found a severed, cooked chicken head in with your food. Would you like some more food where that came from? Maybe you'll find the chicken's private parts in the next order! And, by the way, would you like fries with that?"

Not surprisingly, Ortega refused.

McDonald's, meanwhile, is looking into the incident, and -- I assume -- hoping to God that one of two things happens: 1. It's revealed that Ms. Ortega is one sick woman who planted the thing, or 2. She doesn't sue the restaurant chain for all it is worth.

I will not be able to eat for quite some time at McDonald's (rumored new slogan: "Have you had your beak today?") after witnessing this. Quite frankly, I will have problems with eating at any fast-food joint for a while.

You know, when you stop and think about fast-food dining for a second, it really seems more and more and disgusting. These are places that, for the most part, employ pimply-faced teenagers to serve massive quantities of pre-processed food in mass quantities as quickly and cheaply as possible.

Really think about it for a second. Some really horrible things are bound to get into those $3.49 value meals on occasion. And whatever you do, DO NOT ponder the fact that you have probably eaten some really wrong things at fast-food restaurants without ever realizing it.

Hey. I TOLD you not to think about it!

I'll forgive my mom for thinking about it, as she once experienced a nasty fast-food incident several decades ago at an A&W Restaurant that is no longer around. You know that joke, "What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?" Answer: "Biting into an apple and finding half a worm."

My mom has experienced the horror of this joke, only it was not an apple, but a hamburger, and it was not a worm, but a enormous beetle. My mom swears that she did not order a value meal with a biggie-sized insect. Don't you hate it when they screw up your order like that?

And -- this blows my mind -- when she informed the restaurant management that there was a serious Herbie in her hamburger, guess what they did? Yes, they offered her ANOTHER burger, just like in the chicken head incident.

What is wrong with these people?

As a man on a diet, I am going to remember this horrid chicken head incident every time I crave fast food for the next few months. Something tells me I will have no problem staying away from any place that features golden arches, calls itself "hope of the Whopper" or promotes the fact that it is owned by Jack. Call me a chicken head.

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who hopes no circus geeks were offended by this column. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.geocities.com/jiboegle. 1