This week, we'll be discussing some recent top news stories, and by "top news stories," I mean more stories that made a beverage shoot out my nostrils.
The first comes from the San Francisco Examiner, a peculiar newspaper which, in its latest incarnation, is best-known for misspelling San Francisco in its masthead. However, the struggling daily newspaper is still capable of some interesting journalism, as proven by the story "Break-in Doesn't Stop So. City Bingo Bunch," which appeared in the Jan. 30 issue.
Here's what happened: Monday night bingo was underway at the North San Mateo Boys & Girls club when three individuals barged in and waved a gun. A number of the 160 frightened seniors dove under tables and called for help on their cell phones. The three robbers made off with cash boxes containing an estimated $1,500 in cash and some personal checks.
That's enough to cause a normal person to soil his or her protective undergarments. But, no, not these seniors. These were bingo-playing seniors.
That's right -- after the robbers left, they resumed their bingo game like nothing had happened.
"We could've all been dead," Gloria Daviner told the Examiner. "But after we found out we weren't going to die, we wanted to play bingo. I'm glad we did. I won 800 bucks."
It's not like the experience wasn't frightening -- police said one woman vomited, and another one was so freaked out she had to be treated by paramedics.
But in this new, post Sept. 11 world, goddammit, we can't let bingo-robbing punks screw up our game night; the game must go on. At least, that's how club executive director Norm Martin explained things.
"September 11th," he told the Examiner. "We had to prove we're above it all. That we won't let them stop us. ... These were older folks on a night out. And they were dead set on playing bingo."
That line right there was enough to send my morning coffee out one nostril. But this story has a twist that sent the Sanka flowing out the other nostril, too. It turns out that even though there were 160 witnesses -- in what I presume was a brightly lit room -- police say they have no idea who committed the robbery. There were so many conflicting reports, the police were left clueless.
Reporter David Kiefer wrote: "Even with so many witnesses, the accounts of what happened vary wildly. Some said the suspects were black, some said white, one was sure they saw a Puerto Rican."
The Examiner quoted South San Francisco police Sgt. Myron Sutton as saying: "They did it right in front of a whole crowd, and you wonder, 'Did all these people see the same thing?' We're not really sure what the nationality is, we're not sure what the age is, we're not sure how many weapons they had -- we know there was one long gun for sure, but we don't know whether that's a rifle or a shotgun."
Am I the only one suddenly in favor of driving tests for motorists over 65 years of age?
On a completely different note, our next story takes us all the way to New South Wales, Australia, where -- according to an account from The Associated Press -- prostitution has recently been decriminalized, and brothels have been licensed.
Well, prostitution is recognized as a legitimate profession in New South Wales, right? And governments have to regulate legitimate professions, right? Because that's what governments do. Right?
And that's just what the government there did.
I now quote from the article "Aussies Pro-Active About Prostitute Care," which appeared on the San Francisco Chronicle's Web site on Jan. 23: "The potential pitfalls include injuries caused by dim lighting in brothels and massage parlors, tripping in showers and repetitive movement problems, the government agency said."
I will not comment on that quote. I will also refrain from commenting on the fact that, according to the article, the guideline program is named "Getting on Top of Health and Safety."
Yep. No comments here. It's time for me to get to my bingo game.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who now refrains from sipping beverages while reading news stories online. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.