In case you failed to notice, it's Election Day again. Yes, it's that one day every two years (not counting primary Election Days and municipal Election Days and whatever other Election Days you may have in your life) where we as Americans can go to the polls and engage ourselves in the depressing exercise of picking the lesser of two (or more) evils in a wide variety of races.
Let me tell you how the elections will go:
-- If you are a Republican, you'll probably be tickled pink to the point of quasi-orgasm, unless you part of a conservative Republican sect that doesn't believe in orgasms.
-- If you are a Democrat, you'll be disgusted to the point of considering a move to Massachusetts.
I don't make these undeniably truthful predictions because I am a brilliant political pundit who is clearly underpaid; I make these predictions because most of the races in this state are so lopsided this year that any bonerhead -- yes, even most members of the Reno City Council -- could make these undeniably truthful predictions.
In other words, Election Day doesn't matter as much as it used to. It also doesn't matter as much as it used to for another reason: An increasing number of people vote before Election Day. According to the Washoe County Registrar of Voters, some 22,000 folks have already voted due to early voting, absentee ballot voting and mail-in precinct voting.
But dammit, we're Americans, and it's our duty to at least pretend that Election Day is interesting. Therefore, here are some tips to add some spice to this special Tuesday:
-- If you voted early, go to polling places and taunt the people in line. Suggested taunt: "Neener neener! I already voted and you DID-N'T! And now you have to wait in LI-INE! Ha ha ha ha HA HA!"
-- Don't let the fact that there probably will be few, if any, lines at the polling places deter you from making this taunt. It will probably elicit an even more entertaining response from the few voters and precinct workers.
-- Complain to the precinct workers that you must have a faulty ballot because "There ain't a Bush on the damned thing."
-- If you live in Reno's Ward Four, complain to precinct workers that you must have a faulty ballot because "Dwight Dortch and Julie Sferrazza can't possibly be the only choices."
-- As you vote, loudly chant: "GibbonsGibbonsGibbons."
-- If you live in the city of Reno, make a scene over the fact that your ballot contains a "appallingly dirty" word: "Dilworth."
-- If you live in the city of Sparks, loudly complain that your ballot doesn't include Tony Armstrong. When precinct workers try to explain to you that Sparks municipal elections happen this year, start crying like a baby.
-- As you vote, shout: "WHY THE HECK IS EVERYONE NAMED HUNT OR KENNY OR GIBBONS OR HANSEN ON THIS DAMN THING?"
-- After you have voted, ask the precinct workers what you've won. If they insist you haven't won anything, mutter something about "not even getting any damn Rice-a-Roni as a consolation prize."
-- Quietly ask the person voting in the both next to you: "Psssst! What's the answer to all these ballot questions?"
-- After voting, light up a joint and yell: "Question 9 rules!" (Recommended only for people who have never toured the Washoe County Jail, but wonder what the place is like.)
-- While voting, shout: "Oh my God! I voted for Kenny! You BASTARD!"
-- Peek over into the adjacent voting booth and ask your fellow voter: "What in the heck does the recorder record, anyway?"
-- Wear a costume to the polls.
And finally:
-- After you've voted, ask the polling workers if they have any Preparation H, because voting has given you a hemorrhoid in your nether region.
Those are my suggestions. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and review my sample ballot one more time before I vote. I filled mine out in crayon.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who still snickers uncontrollably when he hears the term "polling place." His column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.