Yep, it's primary Election Day. Time to head to the polls, do your civic duty, and vote.
But in the city of Sparks this September, let's face it: There isn't much to vote for. There are a few interesting local races scattered here and there, but for the most part, the ballot is drab. In all the major races, there is only token opposition for the incumbent or front-runner -- if there's any opposition at all. It won't get interesting until the general election rolls around in November
However, not voting shouldn't be an option. You HAVE to vote, unless you're a massive goober of a U.S. citizen. Therefore, I have brainstormed up a few tips on how you can make the voting experience more interesting during this primary Election Day.
-- Ask the little old lady manning the poll to see her ID card, pretending that you can't believe she's old enough to be a precinct worker. This will have one of three outcomes, depending on the precinct worker: The little old lady will be flattered; the little old lady will be offended and will hit you with her purse; the little old lady will be excited and drag you off to a vacant voting booth for a little "private polling."
-- If you see a member of the media at the precinct doing a story, emulate George Bush by turning to the person nearest to you and loudly whispering, "That reporter over there is a major-league asshole!"
-- When the precinct worker hands you your new-style ballot that is filled out with a pencil, throw a fit and demand an old-style, hole-punch ballot on the grounds that you're afraid of pencils because of the risk of "lead poisoning."
-- While in the voting booth, ask yourself, "IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?" -- outloud, at the top of you're lungs -- after you vote for each race. Then, on the way out of the polling place, smile at the precinct workers and say, "Thanks, Regis!"
-- When a precinct worker gives you an "I voted!" sticker, ask if you can have some extra stickers. When they ask how many you want, say "just a couple thousand," and explain that you feel your car needs "a new paint job, but these stickers will serve as a temporary fix."
-- When you get in the booth, make a zipper sound, and loudly say, "AHHHHHHHHH!" (If you want to be really warped, pour yellow Gatorade on the floor while you do this.)
-- Peek over the side of the voting booth and ask the voter next to you if he or she has any "Grey Poupon."
-- If you're voting in Reno, and you're approached by a "Recall Reno" petitioner, tell them that, no, you don't recall a "Reno," and then make a comment that you don't think there is such a thing as a "Reno."
-- After the Recall Reno petitioner gives you a befuddled look, laugh and tell them you were just joking. Then, get a serious look on your face and tell the petitioner you won't sign and announce that you feel "Janet Reno is doing a damn fine job."
-- After you vote in each election category, cackle and pronounce that you've "just voted another bastard off the island!"
-- After you're done voting, ask the precinct workers when the next "tribal council" will be. After they give you a weird look, get upset and demand to see Jeff Probst.
-- As you're walking out, pull a bunch of dollar bills out of your pocket, show them to people who are in line waiting to vote, and ask them how much the candidates paid THEM for their votes.
-- After you're halfway through your ballot, wander out of the booth, go up to a precinct worker and ask them if you can "buy a vowel."
-- Take a change of clothing with you into the booth. Fiddle around in there for a while, and then take an article of clothing up to a precinct worker and ask if they have the article of clothing in a larger size.
-- After the precinct worker gives you your ballot, lick it and then smile.
-- While voting, shout "I can't find Dick Cheney anywhere!" Then, run out of the booth, turn in your ballot and burst out of the room in tears.
Voting. It can be fun for all!
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who thinks the phrase "polling place" sounds kind of dirty. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.