Have you ever self-Googled? Now, I know what you're thinking: How DARE I bring up such an act in a family newspaper? (Unless you are former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, in which case you thought: "Hell YES! I self-Google at least three or four times a day!")
Since "self" means, well, YOU, and "Google" is a reference to the Internet's preeminent search engine, "self-Googling" is a term for searching the Internet for mentions of you, personally. I self-Googled recently (I try to do this in the privacy of my own home), and Google found 1,090 Web pages in which "Jimmy Boegle" was mentioned. This fairly high number stems from the fact that I, a trained, professional journalist (please stop snickering when I say that), have written a lot of things that have made it on to the Internet. Many of these "things" are my humor columns, which I put on my very own Web page, www.jimmyboegle.com. And because I have mentioned some strange topics in these columns, you can Google my name along with a number of strange words and find disturbing matches:
"Jimmy Boegle" and "flatulence": four matches.
"Jimmy Boegle" and "booger": seven matches.
"Jimmy Boegle" and "snork": three matches.
"Jimmy Boegle" and "poodle molester": one match.
"Jimmy Boegle" and "Jeff Griffin": 41 matches.
I could go on and on, but I my hand is cramping from all this self-Googling.
Anyway, I recently received an e-mail that must have been the result of a form of self-Googling, specifically Googling up your obscure political party.
Let's take a trip down memory lane, to May 21. That's when This Fine Newspaper ran a hilarious column of mine (I ASKED you to stop snickering!) in which I jokingly defined each of Nevada's officially recognized political parties. I wrote this about the Emigration Party: "Listed by the Secretary of State's office as a political party. Seriously. Probably made up by Dean Heller one day after he accidentally inhaled too many paint fumes."
Of course, I was joking. It is NOT true that Dean Heller inhales paint fumes. He seems like more of a glue sniffer to me. It IS true that the Emigration Party of Nevada exists, although a grand total of zero candidates from that party are running for office this year.
Anyway, the head of the Emigration Party, Donald E. Pauly, has apparently been self-Googling his party, because a few days ago, I received this e-mail:
"Mr. Boegle: In regard to the Emigration Party of Nevada [in the May 21 column] visit www.sendemback.org. We mean business. Donald E. Pauly."
Yikes! Since they mean business, I checked out sendemback.org, the party's Web site. Here is an excerpt:
Are you sick and tired of illegal aliens taking our jobs and lowering our wages? Are you having trouble parking? Are the lines too long at Kmart? Illegal immigration into the U.S. is causing the total population to increase faster than China. The Republicans like the cheap labor and the Democrats like the cheap votes. Neither major party will do anything about it. The Federal government is all talk and no action when it comes to controlling our borders. The Nevada Emigration Party is going to send them all back home. We have a plan to do so with the resources available at the state level. Some things will have to be done at the national level after we have expanded our Party nationwide.
Illegal aliens are here because of the easy availability of jobs, welfare, and free medical care. We will make it a felony under Nevada law for any employer to hire an illegal alien. A bounty of $1,000 will be paid to anyone who turns in such an employer. We will stop all state welfare money and medical care to any illegal alien. With these attractive nuisances gone, it will be much easier to patrol our borders.
There! See! They mean business! Even if they have no candidates!
I don't know what to make of all this. What I DO know is that the Internet is a great thing, a place where candidateless parties can spread their message, where low-budget humor columnists can post their columns, and where, after this column gets included in Google, typing in "Jeff Griffin" and "flatulence" and "poodle molester" will bring up a match. And that's a beautiful thing.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is sure the Emigration Party has a great sense of humor, and he would like to point out that he was born in America. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.