The imaginary mailman just arrived and dropped off a nice, big stack of made-up letters from readers. That means one of two things: Either I forgot to take my medication, or it's time to answer some of this made-up mail.
It's probably the first possibility, but let's just play along and pretend it's the second, OK?
I heard that the Reno City Council recently voted 5-2 to get bids from companies to build a train trench through downtown Reno. My question is this: How will this effect the city of Sparks? --Burgeoning Snorer, Sparks
That's a damn good question, Mr. Snorer. And I will do my best to answer this insightful, probing question as well as I can without snickering over the fact that I just used the word "probing." SNICKER SNICKER.
Anyway, the only immediate effect the trench will have on Sparks, at least according to my sources (two squirrels that live on the grass near Sparks City Hall) is that all Sparks residents, like the other folks shopping in Washoe County, will continue to helping paying for the project, thanks to the increased sales tax that a lame-duck (read: full of corrupt bastards) Washoe County Commission pushed through a couple of years ago.
However, there is another possible long-term effect: If the trench bankrupts the city of Reno, the city of Sparks could swoop in and buy the city Reno for cheap. We're talking real cheap.
Imagine that. Sparks would finally get a mall (Meadowood) and John Ascuaga's Nugget would finally have to admit that it is actually in Sparks. And I won't even speculate on the tizzy this would cause the Reno Sparks Convention and Visitors Authority.
But then again ... wait a minute. Why would Sparks want to acquire a bankrupt city with a half-finished polluted ditch running through it, even if it was being given away?
Hmm ... aw, forget it. Just never mind the last three paragraphs and read on.
Has George W. Bush said anything stupid lately? -- Oilman Electionbuyer, Mustang
HAR. Is Dolly Parton buoyant in large bodies of water?
According to several published reports, the man with the nuclear launch codes launched this gem of wisdom as he was unveiling some of his education policies, including a $900 million literacy program: "You teach a child to read, and he or she will be able to pass a literacy test."
This is the clearly the brilliance that led this man to get the second-most votes in the United States presidential race.
Hey, wait a minute. All you liberal media types keep picking on George W. Bush for the idiotic things he says. Well, DUH. Anybody who is speaking as much as the president is bound to say some stupid things and make flubs on occasion. This isn't fair! How many stupid things do YOU say in a day, Mr. Liberal Humor Columnist? -- Pompous Conservative, Reno
Yeah, I say lots of stupid things in a day, and I am blessed to have friends, family members and coworkers who mock me endlessly for such flubs. Ask the people who work for This Fine Newspaper about the dumb things I have said in my time, and they'll unsuccessfully try to tell you as they spew milk or whatever beverage they happen to be drinking out of their nose between chortling fits.
And, yes, the president, who unfortunately happens to currently be a second-place finisher and oilman who looks perpetually befuddled, is going to say dumb things at times. I understand that. And I understand that is my right to make fun of him as a Licensed Humor Columnist, just like it would be his right to make fun of me. Even if he is the apparent love child of the MAD Magazine mascot Alfred E. Newman and Ernie the Keebler Elf.
I would like to officially end this debate by pointing out to George W. Bush that if you teach a child to add, he will be able to pass an addition test. And finally, if you give a man a staff of speech writers, he will be able to speak coherently.
Well ... then again, maybe not.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is gearing up for the March Madness to begin, and he advises people to stay the heck away from him unless Stanford goes all the way. His (Jimmy's, not Stanford's) column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.