Imaginary letters regarding the November Classic


November 6, 2001

You know things are not quite right in the world when the Emmy Awards and Game 7 of the World Series take place at the same time -- in November.

And, man, what a game that was between the Arizona Diamondbacks and the New York Yankees. It was simply amazing -- so amazing, in fact, that a number of imaginary readers wrote me imaginary letters about it.

In the spirit of November baseball, here are some of those entirely made-up letters.

Does Tim McCarver have brain damage? During Game 6, he repeatedly stated that he was sure that Randy Johnson would not come back the next day and pitch in Game 7 if needed. I found this to be odd. -- Shorty Sporty, Mogul

I am not medically qualified to comment on any damage that may or may not have occurred to Mr. McCarver's melon, but I am qualified to say that he had to have been somehow mentally loony in order to make such a statement.

After all, this was GAME 7 OF THE WORLD SERIES. In the sports world, there is nothing bigger -- not even the Super Bowl, because that's just one game. In Game 7 of the World Series, baseball players, coaches, owners, batboys and groupies will do anything to win. Trust me: Diamondbacks manager Bob Brenly would have, without hesitation, donned a teddy and crooned "I'm a Little Teapot" whilst sitting on Craig Counsell's lap and while Steve "Psycho" Lyons dropped his pants for him if Brenly thought such an act would help the Diamondbacks win.

Of course Randy Johnson was available to pitch in Game 7. I was available to pitch game seven (scouting report: decent velocity, no control whatsoever, not prone to dropping my pants during games like Steve "Psycho" Lyons). Queen Elizabeth was available to pitch Game 7 (scouting report: throws like an old queen, decent possibility of dropping her pants during games like Steve "Psycho" Lyons).

And while the Queen and I remained in the bullpen, Randy Johnson came in, threw to four batters, and got all four of them out. In doing so, he proved that Tim McCarver was a total bozo.

Did you watch any of the Emmy Awards, or were you glued to the baseball game? -- George Pordge, Verdi

I did not watch any of the Emmys until the game was over. Then, I switched over just in time to hear Ray Romano and Patricia Heaton -- I am being serious -- discussing wieners. This traumatized me so much that I flipped over to The Weather Channel and huddled in a corner, shaking.

Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson were named co-MVPs of the World Series. Has more than one person ever been named MVP of a series like that? -- Bertha Bigbottom, Carson City

Yes. In 1981, three Dodgers -- Ron Cey, Pedro Guerrero and Steve Yeager were all named World Series MVPs. But never before have two utterly different people shared the MVP award. Schilling's brash, talkative and pudgy; Johnson's humble, quiet and thinner than an anorexic popsicle stick. Yet they can both pitch.

I got so excited when Luis Gonzalez got the game winning hit off of Mariano Rivera that my spleen exploded. How do you get spleen juice stains off of one's carpet? -- Fred Farkenheimer, Sparks

A mixture of club soda, sparking cider and paprika should do the trick. But I am just guessing. After all, I have no idea what spleen juice is. And I do NOT want to know.

Is it just me, or does Randy Johnson look like someone mated a marmot and a beanstalk? --Herb Binkle, Sun Valley

No, it is just you who looks like someone mated a marmot and a beanstalk. And you can't throw 98 miles per hour. So neener neener.

I am confused. I thought Mariano Rivera was a pasta dish, and I thought Midre Cummings was the name of an adult film star. And these names are all over the news and the papers. I am offended. -- Sandy Dandy, Reno

Good lord. This column has lost all sanity and decency. Time to wrap it up. Congrats to the Diamondbacks, and the Yankees, for that matter. You gave this country one helluva series -- and it came when this country really needed something it.

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who, for the 13th consecutive year, is bummed about how the Dodgers finished. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com. 1