October 7, 2003
Millions of our neighbors in California are heading to the polls today to decide one of the most ridiculous elections in the history of the planet.
First, Californians are deciding whether or not to dump Gray Davis, quite possibly the least charismatic person with the most appropriate name to ever govern a state. Then, they’ll choose among 135 candidates to possibly replace him, with the frontrunner being an Austrian bodybuilder/gropemeister with absolutely no policy ideas and absolutely no command of the English language.
And Americans wonder why foreigners mock us.
The latest controversy to arise in this mess is the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger has groped, fondled and harassed at least 15 women over the years, or so those women claim, as reported in the Los Angeles Times last week. Since the article came out, Schwarzenegger has done the equivalent of covering his ears and singing, "La la la la la la! I can’t heeeear youuuuu!" He said -- and I couldn’t make this up if I tried -- that "some" of the women were lying, but that he couldn’t remember everything. Then he apologized anyway, and in the last few days, he has said he won’t talk about the controversy anymore until AFTER the election.
Meanwhile, Schwarzenegger and the GOP establishment have railed on the Los Angeles Times as being staffed by biased evil cretins, claiming the alleged gropings have nothing to with Schwarzenegger’s politics or his ability to be governor. An Oct. 6 Times story reported that some 1,000 people have cancelled their subscriptions because of the Schwarzenegger coverage. Meanwhile, folks on the left side of the political spectrum have heralded the Times and claimed that Schwarzenegger isn’t fit to be governor because of his groping issues.
How very festive. Let’s flash back about four or five years ago to a little issue involving a man called Bill Clinton. As you may recall, he had a fling with an intern, and as a result, the GOP establishment decided he wasn’t fit to be president, while the folks on the left side of the spectrum claimed the blowjob/stained dress/alarming cigar incident had nothing to with Clinton’s politics or his ability to be president.
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES A LITTLE BIT OF STUPIDITY AND HYPOCRISY HERE?!?
It’s a joke. Literally. As I write this, I am watching the Game Show Network, which is airing a show called "Who Wants to Be Governor of California? The Debating Game." In a stroke of programming genius, the Game Show Network got six of the, um, weirder candidates (Gary Coleman, 20-year-old Bryan Quinn, 70-year-old Carl Mehr, artist Trek Thunder Kelly, porn star Mary Carey and Nate Whitecloud Walton, son of Bill) to do a game show. The winner gets $21,200 -- the largest campaign contribution allowable by law.
And tonight, the GSN plans a slate of special programming with recall candidates appearing on various game shows, including a special airing of an old "The Dating Game" in which Arnold Schwarzenegger was a contestant.
It’s unclear whether Schwarzenegger tried to grope host Jim Lange.
Wow. God bless America. I think the United Nations should come in and monitor this election.
This is so much fun, that I am kind of bummed that the recall effort of Kenny Guinn has sputtered and gone nowhere. (Too bad Tony Dane, the man leading the effort, has no money, no ethics and no brains.) This means no sex scandals, no political hypocrisy and no silly game shows in the great state of Nevada.
But then again, unlike in California, Nevada’s budget is balanced. Our infrastructure is somewhat sound. Yeah, so what if Kenny Guinn, like Gray Davis, has no charisma? At least his first name isn’t, well, Gray.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona, a state which has the fortune of bordering the states of BOTH Kenny and Gray. Jimmy’s column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.