The streets of Sparks, are red, filled with the barbecue sauce from ribs. And you gotta love that.
Yes, this last weekend was a vegetarian's nightmare in the Rail City, as the Nugget Rib Cook-Off was raging on. Of course, I consider it part of my job as a columnist for This Fine Newspaper to go and sample the various ribs and report on how the event went.
My report: It was tasty, expensive, crowded and fun. It was worth the hike from wherever we ended up parking, a location which was approximately in Sun Valley. And it was even worth the $127 per rib we had to pay for the delicious goodies.
OK, I exaggerate a little. But those of you who attended the event have to admit there were some issues and possible pitfalls that go along with the rib cook-off. Therefore, I have decided to compile a short list of tips. Cut this out and save it for next year. Or just throw it away. In either case, it will do you about the same amount of good, because after all, this is a humor column (allegedly). So, here we go...
-- Wear sunscreen. Now, the benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, where the rest of my advice comes only from my own, meandering experience. And it is not stolen from a song resembling a graduation speech.
-- Do not wear light-colored clothing. It is a fact -- barbecue sauce is attracted to clothing which is not dark-colored. If you are wearing anything white, I guarantee that sauce from ribs dozens of feet away will slurp towards you and make your once white article of clothing look like it has a serious rust problem. Even white underwear is not safe -- the sauce will go underneath your pants to get the undies. This has also been proved by scientists, although those particular scientists had been inhaling too many fumes.
-- Go to the rib cook-off in a group, and buy larger portions of ribs. This year, a sampler of two ribs cost $3 (or $34.95 when adjusted for inflation) at most place, whereas a half-rack of six ribs cost only either $7 or $8 ($34.95 when adjusted for inflation). If you figure this out in your head, you will realize that you should be eating ribs and not wasting your time doing stupid math problems.
-- Do not forget napkins. It is easy to get all excited about the ribs and go off and start porking out, only to realize halfway through you are seriously napkinless. However, if you happen to find yourself with sauce-encrusted hands while seriously napkinless, find someone with a white shirt and wipe your hands on them when they aren't looking.
-- Avoid the craft fair portion of the rib cook-off altogether. They have some really neat stuff there -- stuff you do not need, but stuff it would be cool to have. They have chairs, artwork, cinnamon almonds, white T-shirts -- but this is not what you came for. You came for RIBS.
-- When you buy some ribs, go around and get sauces from all sorts of different places to put on them. This is a great and somewhat serious suggestion from my friend Missy. At most rib places, you put the sauce on the ribs yourself. This means you can get some ribs from one place and sample the sauces from a bunch of different places, cheap. Because, unless you have serious dough -- like Bill Gates money, or Reno train trench money -- you can't afford ribs from every single place.
-- Wear shoes with some serious traction. Otherwise, you may slip and fall in some serious sauce. Seriously.
-- Do not try to drive down Victorian Avenue. It is closed for a reason, and rib eaters and police alike tend to get antsy if you pass the barriers in your car. The rib stands do not have drive-thru windows for a reason.
-- If you are having too much fun, wander into Dotti's Casino. It will sober you up very quickly, because it is so quiet and depressing in there.
-- Do not go through the fountain on Victorian Square to wash the sauce off yourself. You're liable to clog the fountain up, and gosh darn it, they've had enough problems with the fountain already.
-- Carpool. Like I mentioned earlier, parking is tough to come by. There are some reported incidents of people from Reno driving to the rib cook-off and driving around and ending up parking in Verdi.
That's my advice. Take what you want. But trust me on the sunscreen part.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who congratulates the rib cook-off organizers for another job well-done. His column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.