Experiences flying the stupid skies


April 8, 2003

I have decided that people are definitely getting dumber as time goes on.

I am not sure what exactly is causing this. It could be reality TV shows like "Which Bachelorette Wants to Marry a Millionaire While Trying to be a Survivor by Downing Cockroaches the Size of Memphis and Trying to Become an American Idol?" Or it could have something to do with the rise in popularity of The Fox News Channel.

But my leading theory is that it has something to do with airports and flying, because it has been during the process of air travel that I have seen much evidence of this burgeoning stupidity.

I've been flying a lot in the last several months, and here are some things that I have seen that epitomize the word "stupid." To quote Dave Barry, I am not making any of these things up:

-- An obsession with the status of airport slot machine players. Maybe it's the boredom and lack of things to do while waiting for a flight. Maybe it's the irresistible allure of all things related to Pat Sajak. Whatever it is, people are getting whacked out watching other people play "Wheel of Fortune" slot machines at airports.

On a recent Sunday night at the Las Vegas airport, a crowd of no fewer than seven random people had gathered around one older lady playing the slots. All of these unrelated strangers seemed ENAMORED with how granny was doing. She wasn't even doing well; they were just transfixed. And every time she'd hit a "spin" -- where the little wheel spins around and you get however many coins the wheel lands on -- you could cut the tension with a knife. As the machine made these cretin boop BEEP boop BEEP boop BEEP sounds and fake wheel-spinning noises, people would just STARE. It creeped me out.

-- Flight attendants risking life, limb and employment to give out sodas. On a recent flight Southwest to Vegas, it got very turbulent, and the captain cancelled the food and beverage service because he didn't want the flight attendants to get a small bag of peanuts wedged in an inappropriate orifice or anything.

Now, any sensible flight attendant, I would assume, would take this opportunity to sit down, relax and not risk his or her job in the process. But the flight attendant in my area of the plane, God bless her, was NOT going to allow her passengers to spend a whole hour in the air sans nourishment.

With whispers and sneaking, she proceeded to give out full cans of whatever the passengers wanted. Apparently, one of the other flight attendants saw her doing this and made a snooty announcement that all people, including attendants, were supposed to be sitting down and buckled in. Even AFTER this, the attendant kept going, and went as far to offer seconds to her passengers.

This flight attendant has to be one of the nicest people on the planet. But is it all that smart to risk disciplinary action and possibly even injury just to give the woman in seat 14C a can of Mr. Pibb?

-- And my favorite: As I sat on Southwest flight to Tucson on the ground at the Vegas airport another night, an embarrassed looking flight attendant made the following announcement (the name has been changed to protect the stupid):

"If there is a Sally Smith on the plane, please get off. This flight is going to Tucson, and you want to go to Oakland."

It turns out the flight to Tucson was running a tad late, and a flight to Oakland was slated to take off from the same gate a while afterward. Well, Sally saw people boarding a plane, assumed her flight to Oakland was REALLY early or something, and tried to board the plane. Because the flight attendant taking boarding passes wasn't paying attention, she succeeded.

Thank goodness for Sally that someone noticed this before the plane took off. Can you imagine trying to explain to loved ones how you ended up in the desert Southwest when you actually intended to fly to the Bay Area?

Sally: Hi, mom. This is Sally. I have some bad news.

Mom: Oh, what dear? Is your flight from Vegas delayed?

Sally: No. Um, I ended up in Tucson instead.

Mom: Uh ... what? Was the plane diverted?

Sally: No, Mom. I got on the wrong plane instead. It was at the same gate, and I just assumed my flight was REALLY early.

Mom: And you ended up in Tucson?

Sally: Yeah.

Mom: (Long pause.) What did your father and I tell you about doing narcotics?

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who keeps racking up the frequent flyer points. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.

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