Answering a bevy of those made-up letters


February 8, 2000

Because I am a well-known and respected journalist in the area (Editor's note: We believe Jimmy has been drinking again. He's hallucinating.), I often get tons and tons of letters seeking answers to questions. Seeing as I am usually too busy writing about more important topics (Since when is a discussion about women discussing flatulence important? --Ed.), I rarely get a chance to answer these letters. (He hasn't received a letter in months. --Ed.). But it's time to catch up on these letters. (He made them all up. --Ed.) So, here we go...

I've noticed they're doing construction on U.S. 395 near the Reno Hilton. My question is: Why do they close down a lane for what seems like three miles when they're only working on about three feet of roadway, if they're working at all? It backs up traffic and gets me all in a tizzy. --Rankled in Reno

That is a very good question, Rankled. But before I answer it, I would like to recommend some ritalin for your little tizzy fits.

Anyway, the construction company is mandated to close down those large stretches of roadway because they are working under a contract with the government. We all know the government likes going overboard when it comes to contracts and, for that matter, almost anything. Remember that $300 toilet seat or whatever that was a result of a government contract a while back? The Whitewater investigation? And did you ever try to do your taxes?

The government loves red tape, bureaucratic nonsense, and dragging things out unnecessarily. That same principle extends to roadway construction. It's just something we have to deal with as Americans. And we should be proud, dammit.

Mickey Gilley and James Brown are playing at the same casino at the same time this weekend. Isn't this one of the seven signs of the apocalypse spoken of in the book of Revelations? --Spiritually spooked in Sparks

No, this isn't one of the seven signs. If they were performing together, that would be one of the seven signs.

Why is it that every time the sky emits as much as a snowflake or a rain drop, the Big Daily Located on Kuenzli Lane has to put it on the front page with an enormous headline, screaming "SNOW STORM WALLOPS TRUCKEE MEADOWS?" -- Weather Watcher in Wadsworth

That is a simple question. The simple answer: Weather stories are easy to do. You go outside, talk to the first person you find, and then have the photographer go outside and take a picture. Suddenly, you have a story:

RENO -- A major snow storm walloped the Truckee Meadows yesterday, leaving a sixteenth of an inch of snow across the area.

"The snow made my poodle's paws cold," said Irma Tatertooter as she clutched her dog, "Fluffypoo."

This is much easier than, say, covering a meeting of a government body. Covering a meeting requires that a reporter actually go to the meeting and load up on No-Doz or something, in a usually futile effort to stay awake. The only part of a meeting that is interesting is listening to the whackos talk about aliens during public comment; the rest is boring, and frankly, a real bugger to write about.

And what is even worse, is that you actually have to talk to a government official at these meetings, to find out what happened while you were sleeping. Often times, government officials make little sense, using words and phrases such as "agenda," "zoning regulation" and "I did not have sexual relations with that woman/man/vegetable."

Weather stories also make for better photographs than government meetings. After all, a woman with a poodle is more appealing than a picture of, say, Tom Herndon. (We're gonna be laughing if Tom Herndon kicks Jimmy's butt now. --Ed.)

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Well, that's all the letter-answering I'll do for now. If you have a question for me, feel free to send it on in. I'll do my best to answer it truthfully, honestly, and frankly (Yeah, right. --Ed.). Thank you, and good day.

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who has written a few too many weather stories in his time. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org. 1