Freeway repairs, sneeze guards and Bea Arthur


May 8, 2001

It's May 8, which is officially Three Days After Cinco de Mayo Day, and in honor of this special occasion, I present to you more made-up letters from readers.

Yo, Jimmy! Driving on Interstate 80 near the Reno Hilton used to be one of my life's highlights, other than watching re-runs of "Maude," because DAMN that Bea Arthur was purty. Anyway, they have replaced the long, up-and-down, ride-like roadway with bumpy, pothole-laden concrete. What gives? I need answers, Jimmy, and only you can give them to me. --Fred Frankfurter, Sparks

You know, Fred, that is such an amazing letter. I must say that I will be mailing you the bills for the therapy that I will surely need after your letter made me imagine Bea Arthur wearing nothing but a teddy.

As for the actual question in your letter, it is a good one. That stretch of Interstate 80 sure was a hoot -- you'd be driving down the freeway, listening to Björk or something, when all of a sudden it would like WHEEEEE! WHEEEEE! WHEEEEE! It was genuinely cool, unless you were already nauseous from reading the Reno Gazette-Journal opinion page or something equally stomach-churning.

However, that stretch was truly horrible for vehicles and their suspension systems, and it was also an indication of some terribly crappy road construction in the first place. Therefore, my guess is that the Nevada Department of Transportation and their construction contractors are trying to fix the freeway and make it right. A simple phone call to NDOT would answer this question, but that would be considered "research," and as an official humor columnist, I am forbidden from doing such a thing.

But instead of fixing the roadway, the only thing they've accomplished so far is taking the fun away by replacing the festive gullies with a horribly bumpy road. Remember: We are talking about the government here.

You know how they have "sneeze guards" at buffets? Well, what happens when a really short person, or a really tall person, like Bea Arthur, sneezes? What guards the buffets then? -- Penny Purkenpiper, Reno

Absolutely nothing, Penny. This is why it is wise to avoid buffets in cities that have NBA basketball teams or large numbers of horse-racing jockeys. Since Reno-Sparks is a highly buffet-laden region of the country, our local government officials have made keeping the very short and the very tall out of the area, so the protective barrier of sneeze-guards is never, ever breached.

Also, I recommend you don't think about the fact that a sneeze guard is effectively worthless, seeing as sneeze byproducts tend to go in each and every direction, including over and under "sneeze guards." And don't think about the fact that you have NO IDEA what is going on in the kitchen at any restaurant, including possibly giant ground-pepper parties with blatant, wanton sneezing.

My recommendation, Penny: Stay at home and eat nothing but frozen Eggo waffles while watching "The Golden Girls" reruns on the Lifetime network.

Last Thursday, I picked up the Sparks Tribune, whose only friend since 1910 has been the truth, and I noticed that there is a new picture of you. What happened? And what does Bea Arthur have to do with this? -- Hortense Mortimer, Mogul

Before last week, the Tribune had been running the same mug shot of me every week for three straight years. Studies commissioned by Congress showed that the mug shot, of me in a "Leave it to Beaver"-era shirt while sporting a vintage Janet Reno haircut, was scaring small children and causing cats to mysteriously throw up.

After getting these disturbing results, I begged my photographer friend, David Robert, to take a new mug shot of me. I am proud to report that studies of the new shot show profoundly better results: Children are only mildly stunned after seeing the new mug shot, and kitties are merely nauseous. But on a more alarming note, Bea Arthur is rumored to be highly aroused by the new mug shot. This freaks me out.

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who has no idea what caused the Bea Arthur thread running through his column this week, and he profusely apologizes to her. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.

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