Either my family's crazy, or they're trying to tell me something (like "stop being single and give us grandchildren before you're no longer a spring chicken, you massive dork"). Truth be told, I'm betting on both.
Anyway, these suspicions come from the fact that certain relatives are starting to lavish my cat, Beavis, with gifts. Examples of gifts: perches for him to look out windows; toy mice; wall combs; kitty pornography.
OK, I made the last one up.
While these gifts, for the most part, have been nice, innocent presents, the wall comb ended up missing that category altogether, landing instead in the "evil bastard gift" category. This is because it turned my precious little furball into a deranged, obsessive, paranoid little freak.
All because catnip was involved.
Britannica.com defines catnip as such: "Also called catmint, an aromatic herb of the mint family. The plant has spikes of small, purple-dotted flowers. Catnip has been used as a seasoning and as a medicinal tea for colds and fever. Because its mintlike flavour (those goofy Brits and their spelling!) and aroma are particularly exciting to cats, it is often used as a stuffing for cat playthings."
I had never before given catnip to Beavis, who is a very loving, yet completely insane 3-year-old cat. But after giving him catnip. I will say this: "Particularly exciting to cats" is a gross understatement, at least as far as Beavis is concerned.
The small amount of catnip, which came in a little foil baggie (what is it with drugs and baggies?) and couldn't have even half filed a teaspoon, went in a hidden compartment on the back of the wall comb. There are holes at the top of this compartment, meaning that the cat can smell the catnip, but can't actually get to it. The theory behind this is that the catnip will attract the cat to the wall comb, alerting the cat that the comb exists and encouraging the cat to rub up against it.
The problem with this theory is that it assumes the kitty will keep its "normal" mind after encountering catnip. Let's just say that the effect it had on Beavis was slightly more dramatic. Since Beavis is normally extremely goofy anyway, it was like taking a cat version of Robin Williams (except that Beavis isn't nearly as furry) and giving him speed.
First, Beavis leapt on top of me the second I opened the baggie, and it was all I could do to fend him off as I put the catnip into the wall comb. I got the comb mounted on the wall, at which point Beavis lustily attacked the comb and started biting it. When he realized the plastic was too strong to bite through, he settled for licking the comb with a concentration and intensity rarely seen in humans outside of serious test-taking or sex (which, incidentally, can often seem like a form of test-taking).
On occasion, Beavis would take a break from licking the comb to vigorously sniff the part the carpet. Apparently, I dropped several microscopic particles of catnip on the floor, and Beavis was snorting at the carpet so hard that I feared he was going to snork some carpet fibers up into his lungs. After snorting the carpet, he would collapse on his back and squirm around in ecstasy before going back to lick the comb some more.
This went on for several hours. Occasionally, I would go to investigate the situation; I was afraid that Beavis was could seriously damage his tongue during his crazed lickfest, which would seriously impact his self-crotch-cleaning efforts. But when I tried to touch Beavis, therefore interrupting his attempt at a high, the normally loving cat let a yowl that would have given a junkyard pit bull a heart attack.
Eventually, I decided to leave Beavis alone and to bed, but -- and this is the honest-to-God truth -- I had to get up and take down the cat comb and hide it. The constant "SKRITCH SKRITCH SKRITCH" noise from Beavis fervently licking the plastic was so loud that I couldn't get to sleep.
Postscript: When I put up the comb again the next morning, Beavis again went crazy and licked it for the better part of the day. Since then, the catnip aroma has apparently worn off, and Beavis now completely ignores the cat comb.
This whole episode got me thinking: If catnip is legal, why isn't marijuana, which "is particularly exciting to humans," legal, too? I mean, they're both herbs. And while I have never done pot, I have seen people when they were stoned, and they were much, much nicer creatures than Beavis was when he was whacked out of his mind on catnip. This is a stupid double-standard which should be eliminated.
After all, if cats -- and our president-elect -- are/were able to stoned, why can't everybody else?
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who, as a humor columnist, looks forward to four years of George W. Bush being in office. His (Jimmy's, not George W. Bush's) column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.