COOKIES ARE GOOD FOR GIRLS.
-- recent press release announcing an ad campaign for Girl Scout cookies
Here at This Fine Newspaper, press releases mainly serve the function of alerting us to events so that we can pass on the word about them to you, The Reading Public.
However, some press releases end up serving another purpose -- namely, making us shoot whatever beverage we may be drinking out of our noses -- because the press release is either ridiculous or unintentionally hilarious.
One recent press release that had several Tribune staffers blowing coffee out their nasal passages came from a company called Ding Communications (seriously). The release, headlined with the above statement, was trying to make the point that Girl Scout cookies are good for girls because of the money they bring in for the Girl Scouts, which I think most would agree is a great organization.
But if we look at the situation a little deeper, we may realize there is something sinister going on here. Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, the Girl Scouts are calling on some more serious high-pressure tactics to sell the cookies this year?
It has always been a challenge to avoid the little girls hawking Girl Scout cookies. First, there are always the loving moms who stuff cookie sign-up sheets in the faces of co-workers and friends and anyone else who will listen to their sales pitches. Second, there are the girls who go door-to-door with their cute little faces in an effort to sell you the cookies at a moment where you are feeling guilty and vulnerable (like while you are watching Jerry Springer). And finally, there are those troops who set up their tables in front of stores, hoping to get you when they know you have money.
In other words, if you know people, have a door or have a need to shop, you are susceptible to the cookie-selling scouts.
This year, from what I have seen, the Girl Scouts are using the same old methods of selling their cookies. But, they are just going about the whole thing little differently.
I base this assertion on a brush with the scouts I had on a recent excursion to Wal-mart. I went in the store, got what I needed, and headed out the exit, unaware of what awaited me.
I was about three paces behind a cart-pushing woman, and as we walked out of the store, we were -- in a sense -- attacked with what I can only describe as an eerie sing-song chant.
"Would you LIIIIIKE to BUYYYYYYY some GIRL SCOUT COOKIEEEEEEEES?"
All of a sudden, I was surrounded by about a dozen cute little girls. They were smiling at me and the woman; meanwhile, two moms stood there, staring at us with arms crossed.
"All the good people buy the cookies," the moms' glares seemed to say.
Clearly stuck, the woman in front of me decided she would try and talk her way past the girls and their glaring mothers. "Well, um, I'd LOVE to buy some," the woman feebly explained. "But I already signed up to buy some from a friend's daughter, and ..."
I did not stick around to see what ever happened to this poor, trapped Wal-mart shopper. Because, you see, I made a break for it and got away, taking advantage of the fact her lame explanation was distracting the girls. I wonder to this day if that woman made it.
Thus, when I look at the whole Girl Scout cookie sales effort so far this year, I have to wonder if the scouts are indeed pushing their cookies a little harder. The odd press release... the borderline demonic chant of the girls, combining with their cuteness to provide a near-lethal dose of intimidation... the icier-than-normal stare of the moms...
It kinds makes you think, doesn't it?
Well, I have so far escaped the Girl Scouts and their cookies this year. Most of my friends who have elected to reproduce do not have girls old enough to hawk the cookies yet, and my apartment complex has apparently been spared the door-to-door attack.
But as my Wal-mart close-encounter shows, it may be only a matter of time before I succumb to the high-pressure tactics and get cookied. Oh, well; it may not be so bad; I hear they have cinnamon ones this year...
Jimmy Boegle, a fifth-generation Nevadan, has ruled out barricading himself in the Tribune's offices over a weekend as a way to get a raise. Jimmy's column (which is meant to be FUNNY, not a serious attack against Girl Scouts) appears here Tuesdays; Jimmy can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@alumni.stanford.org.