February 10, 2004
I KNOW I am not the only person on this planet who couldn't give a rat's patootie about the Martha Stewart trial.
My only relation to her is the Martha Stewart Living shower curtain I bought from K-Mart once during a moment of weakness. Whether or not she goes to prison will have no bearing on my life whatsoever, except for the fact that maybe I won't have to see her crypt-keeper-like mug on the cover of silly magazines anymore.
Yet it's all I read about in the news. I went to the CNN.com Web site yesterday, and it blared at me: STEWART ASSISTANT IN TEARS ON STAND. Arrrrgh! Who cares! It seems like the ONLY newspaper or news Web site out there that's not giving me wall-to-wall Martha coverage is the newly re-designed Daily Sparks Tribune, and thank God, Willie Albright and Janine Kearney for that.
Dammit, I want real news. News that affects ME, a real human being, an everyday schmoe. A human who is interested in things like, say, listening to music while I exercise my constitutionally protected right to bear an AK-47 and blast the holy hell out of something.
Well, I had to go searching, beyond the coverage of Martha Stewart, Janet Jackson's breast and George W. Bush's spin-doctoring, to finally come across the news I needed. Here's a story from Australian news Web site news.com.au (http://news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,8626936^13762,00.html):
A British-based company is selling MP3 players which can be attached to an assault rifle.
The "AK-MP3" player is built into the ammunition clip of a Kalashnikov and can be swapped with the real magazine.
The device is being advertised on the Internet by a Buckinghamshire-based company set up by a group of Russian businessmen who sell audio books.
It comes with enough storage space to hold 3000 audio books or 9000 songs.
Former Russian rock star Andrey Koltakov, a partner in the dotcom company offering the AK-MP3 for sale, said: "This is our bit for world peace -- hopefully, from now on many militants and terrorists will use their AK-47s to listen to music and audio books."
I think I speak for everyone when I say: WHAT?!? Are we hoping that Osama bin Laden's going to turn himself in after being moved by the soundtrack of "Beaches" or something? Good lord.
While I found this news to be highly insightful, I realize that not all folks have a burning desire to hear the audio version of "Horton Hears a Who" while shooting up junkyard Buicks like I do. I realize some folks may be more into things like, well, cows. Especially some of our friends in rural Nevada. Well, here's some news for them, straight from the Associated Press (at http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=8&u=/ap/20040205/ap_on_fe_st/cow_hairpieces):
Three livestock exhibitors at last year's Ohio State Fair have been disqualified for allegedly outfitting their Holstein cows with hairpieces.
State Fair inspectors said the three glued or painted hair from another part of the animal or from another animal to create straighter backs on the cows and enhance their appearance in the show ring.
Screw Martha Stewart! Now THIS is a scandal that speaks to me. While I wouldn't follow her trial if I were required to by the Department of Homeland Security, and it's probably only a matter of time until I am, THIS is a trial I would watch from gavel-to-gavel on Court TV. The testimony would be absolutely gripping. Imagine:
PROSECUTOR: How did you feel when the livestock exhibitor took hair from your rump and put it on your back to give you a straighter back and enhance your appearance?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I object! Counsel is leading the witness.
THE WITNESS: Moo!
And imagine the movie rights to such a trial ... my GOSH, that would be a blockbuster. Imagine the above scene, with such stars as Morgan Freeman playing the judge, and Julia Roberts playing the tough-nosed, yet sensitive prosecutor, and Ashton Kutcher playing hot-shot the defense attorney! The cows could be played by Roseanne and Marlon Brando!!!
See? This just goes to show that the news can be moving. It can be poignant. It can be, yes, inspiring!
Take that, CNN!
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona who apparently needs to have his medication levels adjusted. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.