This week marks the start of the new television season, and we can all thank our lucky stars for that. If I, personally, would have heard one more contrived argument between Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul over the performance of Justin singing some idiot Michael Jackson song, I fear I would have thrown myself under a bus.
Yes, it's time for the three to six networks, depending on what you consider a "network" (as for PAX, I am sorry, but any organization that produces anything involving Billy Ray Cyrus trying to act should NOT be considered a network, but rather a pox on humanity) to roll out their new shows, most of which will be alarmingly terrible and will make you think: They actually paid people to write this?!?
All makes me think: What if they made shows about Northern Nevada? I have several ideas for Nevada-related series. Such as:
-- "Trench!": This show, modeled on the Steven Bochco show "Cop Rock," would be a rare, dramatic network TV musical focusing on the travails of the Granite Construction Co. crew as they try to dig the trench through downtown Reno, dealing with the constant attempts to thwart the project by Mike Robinson and his associates. The show would regular festive theatrical dance numbers such as this song, "Dig! Dig! Dig!":
Dig! Dig! Dig! By Fitzgeralds!
Dig! Dig! Dig! With tax money.
Dig! Dig! Dig! Build that shoo-fly!
Dig! Dig! Dig! As business dies.
Possible cast members: Richard Dreyfuss as Mike Robinson; Joe Mantegna as Don Carano; Chris Elliott as Dave Aiazzi.
-- "Cory's World": Modeled on the hit TV series, "Dave's World," which was based on the columns of Dave Barry, this show would be based on the life and columns of Reno Gazette-Journal scribe Cory Farley. Possible show episodes include: Cory goes to a Republican convention and is almost maimed; Cory explores the Wells Avenue roundabouts; Cory goes bicycling and freaks out after getting splashed by a SUV speeding through a puddle. Follow the hijinks as this liberal columnist/traffic reporter lives in a community that's really conservative!
Possible cast members:Richard Dreyfuss as Cory Farley; Jennifer Love Hewitt as his wife; Chris Elliott as the evil Republican SUV driver.
-- "Spanish Springs 89436": The life and times of the kids at one of the Truckee Meadows' newest high schools. Follow these Cougar kids as they deal with the highs and lows of teen life in a Sparks suburb: sex, drugs, college decisions and the conflict the male athletes have dealing with their purple and teal sports uniforms.
Possible cast members: Richard Dreyfuss as the principal, Ross Gregory; Britney Spears as an obnoxious cheerleader who everyone despises; Chris Elliott as Jeff, the narc that isn't quite pulling it off that he's 17 years old.
--"Coming Calling in Caughlin": A family in Sun Valley finds a vein of gold under their trailer lot while dealing with a septic tank problem; after hitting it big, they pack up and move their home to ritzy Caughlin Ranch. The hilarious happenings ensue when the ways of this white-trash family, the Varmints, conflict with the ways of the snobby, white-bred neighborhood. One episode: Caughlin socialite Mitzi has a seizure after the Varmint family's mongrel mates with her registered poodle and makes the poodle smell like feet.
Possible cast members: Richard Dreyfuss as Pa Varmint; Matthew Lillard as his son, Slim; Chris Elliott (in drag) as Mitzi. Special guest star: Dave Aiazzi as Cousin Varmint.
While these are just ideas, forgive me for suspending my modesty and saying confidently that the networks will surely throw gobs of money at me to get these shows on as midseason-replacement series.
And if you're skeptical, pick up TV Guide and look at the dreck on the prime schedule as of now. As scary as it is, it's true: These shows would be a vast improvement.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is still cranky that "Ally McBeal" got canceled, even though the last season was admittedly lame. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.