On many occasions, I have been in a movie theater chock full of teen-agers and younger folks, with them yelling and throwing things and giving each other body piercings during the previews, and making me feel like an old fogey
Well, the tables were turned on me this weekend, when I saw a screening of "About Schmidt" that was chock full of seniors and older folks. This made me feel like the epitome of a "young whippersnapper."
And you may be surprised to learn that if given the choice, I'd take the theater full of younger folks, thank you very much. They are FAR less annoying, and in many respects, better-behaved than the AARP bunch.
It was a weird experience for me sitting in that Tucson theater on Sunday. I was at a 2:25 p.m. showing that was about three-quarters full, and I was probably the youngest person in there, no joke. The median age was around 60, I would guess, and more than a few people had canes and walkers.
The first sign of trouble came before even the previews started, when two older ladies sitting directly behind me started chatting loudly (Hearing aid problems? Perhaps they were not used to movies with sound yet?) regarding an on-screen trivia question about "Magnolia." One of the little old ladies was not a fan.
"That movie was just awful!" she exclaimed. "Every other word was an obscenity. Tom Cruise was so foul-mouthed. I don't know why we didn't get up and walk out."
Seeing as "About Schmidt" features Jack Nicholson and Kathy Bates -- two actors not afraid to take roles in which the let loose -- and seeing as the flick had an R rating, I was getting nervous that granny was going to have a cow at some point during the movie.
Then, when the previews started, it got worse. You see, the grandmas were sharing a bag of popcorn. After complaining about how big it was -- I was so tempted to turn around and ask them why they didn't get a smaller bag -- they started munching away, rustling the bag loudly with each and every bite, as if their hands were shaking so badly that they couldn't simply reach in and grab.
Apparently, the bag was awfully big. This went on throughout the entire movie.
Then, when the movie started, they decided it would be prudent to ask questions and make predictions throughout the film.
"Oh, I bet the wife's dead here," one granny mused at a volume usually reserved for the PA system at Metallica concerts. "I wonder when Kathy Bates will come in."
Between the popcorn and the "Mystery Science Theater 3000"-style banter (without the humor), I was on edge for the entire movie (which was quite good, by the way). But the final straw came when Kathy Bates' character let fly a few plot-appropriate expletives, one in particular that rhymes with "duck."
One of the ladies -- I suspect she is a book-burner -- gasped in horror. She was indeed having the cow I feared would come mooing along.
In all seriousness, with no exaggeration whatsoever, I almost created a major scene. I nearly got up, turned around and screamed at them.
"THIS IS A DUCKING R-RATED MOVIE," I would have said, except duck would have actually been that other word. "IN R-RATED WORDS, THERE ARE GOING TO BE SWEAR WORDS LIKE "DUCK." NOW PLEASE, FOR CRYING OUTLOUD, SHUT THE DUCK UP OR ELSE I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU WITH YOUR OWN CANES!!!!!"
I didn't do this, though. In a way, I am glad, because one of the grannies probably would have maced me, I would have been kicked out of the theater, and I would have missed the Kathy Bates nude scene. (OK, that would have been a positive.) Instead, I squeezed the armrests with such vigor that I made the woman sitting next to me think I was overcome with lust for Kathy Bates, which I most certainly was not.
And from now on, I am only going to see movies late at night or when Matlock is on.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan on exile in Arizona. His column appears here Tuesdays, and he may be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.