Dancing to "The People's Court" theme music


January 11, 2000

The Internet has brought this world some great things, including the ability to access valuable information, from all around the world, 24 hours a day.

But even better than that is the fact that the Internet now allows us to download hundreds of theme songs from 1980s television shows. Now, that's a beautiful thing.

I recently discovered the 1980s TV theme songs archive from college friends, and I will now be indebted to them forever for the enrichment they've brought into my life. The site, www.80stvthemes.com, is maintained by Brian Karimzad, a Stanford University senior who clearly has too much time on his hands.

The site, quite frankly, blows the mind. It includes theme songs and video clips from most of the notable TV shows of the 1980s ("227"), as well as theme songs from shows which weren't quite notable ("Joanie Loves Chachi"). It also includes commercial jingles and other bits of 1980s lore.

This Web site is truly amazing. Where else could you hear the theme song from "Knight Rider?" Or rock out to the full-length version of the "Benson" theme? Or get jiggy with that music from "Diff'rent Strokes?"

Everybody's got a special kinda story
Everybody finds a way to shine
It don't matter that you got not a lot-- so what?
They'll have theirs, you'll have yours and I'll have MIIIIINE
And together we'll be fine, 'cause it takes
Diff'rent Strokes to move the world, yes it does
It takes Diff'rent Strokes to move the WOOOOOORRRRRLD!
Mmmmmmmmmm.

But undoubtedly, the highlight of this Web site -- and one of the highlights of my entire life -- is the fact that the site contains a full-length, four-minute, forty-second version of "The People's Court" theme song. I swear to God this is all true.

It turns out the song, written by a talented man named Allan Tew, is actually called "The Big One." Without a doubt, "The Big One" is one of the most heinous pieces of music ever conceived of by man -- it is so bad, it is wonderfully, joyously good.

If you have ever heard "The People's Court" music from the days of Judge Wapner, Rusty the Bailiff and Doug Llewelyn, you have an idea what the song is like. But until you hear the full version, you really can't comprehend the horrible magnificence of this diddy. It sounds like someone tried to mate disco music, police-show music and porno music.

Seeing as it is a well-known piece of court music, I can't help but imagine that certain people in the legal profession -- such as Richard Gammick, Edward M. Bernstein and the entire U.S. Supreme Court -- listen to this in an effort to get pumped out before they go into court.

I recently performed, unknowingly, a scientific test on how people respond to this music. Once again, this is the complete truth -- I played the theme song for my roommate, Ben. We were laughing so hard after listening to it, we played "The Big One" again in an effort to give ourselves chortle-induced seizures. But our upstairs neighbors had a different idea.

The music was not even very loud, but my neighbors apparently heard it, and started stomping on the floor to express their disapproval. One of them even came down and knocked our door. Seeing as he could possibly be armed, we stopped the music.

And a short time later, I went to bed -- only to be awakened, as I have written about here before, by my upstairs neighbors fornicating in a loud, shriek-inducing fashion.

This leads me to two conclusions: First, that the music's level of heinousness is so high, it makes people really cranky when the listen to it coming from a neighboring apartment. Second, there is the possibility that it has an aphrodisiac effect.

While I am not sure about that second conclusion -- after all, considering how often and how loudly my upstairs boink, it seems the mere presence of air serves as an aphrodisiac for them -- I certainly hope the conclusion is not true. After all, if the U.S. Supreme Court does listen to this before they go to court, and if it does serve as an aphrodisiac, and Clarence Thomas is there -- the results could be frightening. But let's not think about that.

Instead, let's thank our lucky stars for the Internet and Brian Karimzad's Web site, as we rock out to the "Diff'rent Strokes" theme song: "Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum ..."

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who has always believed that Judge Wapner could kick Judge Judy's rear-end. His (Jimmy's, not Judge Judy's rear-end's) column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org. 1