It's a fairly popular opinion that human beings are far more advanced than other mammals. But I am not so sure about this.
To my knowledge, humans are the only creatures that have set up a society that makes it so they have to do laundry. Dolphins don't do laundry. Neither do dogs or cats or even squirrels. They are perfectly happy to gallivant around naked, figuring their natural coats are clothing enough. (Many of these animals also clean themselves by licking themselves. I am not even going to discuss the specter of humans licking themselves right now, because that would just be unnecessary.)
Please understand, I am not advocating that people run around naked. Imagine the horror of going to a Sparks City Council meeting where everyone was naked. Now, after you've stopped ralphing up your lunch, you will have realized why it is completely necessary that humans wear clothing. (And why it is necessary that they clean themselves through processes not involving licking.)
But isn't there a way to get around doing laundry? I have several ideas. The first is disposable clothing. Get an outfit, wear it once and throw it away. Think about the possibilities. In addition to the end of laundry as we know it, younger siblings would delight in the prospect of never having to deal with hand-me-downs ever again. And stains? Who cares! Anal retentive mothers would never have to worry about clothing stain removal again.
Now, I know the environmentalists would probably fight against this idea by having a protest during which they would each try to get to second base with a tree. But I am sure we could work out a compromise with them by agreeing to recycle these one-wear-only outfits or something. I suggest we talk to Ralph Nader about this immediately.
The second idea I had to get around doing laundry is to invent self-cleaning clothing. I haven't worked out the details yet, but I think we should look to self-cleaning ovens as an example of how this could work. Maybe the clothes could just heat themselves to extremely high temperatures until all of the grime burnt off. Of course, there is the danger of certain fabrics bursting into flame during this cleaning process, causing houses to burn down and stuff. There is also the possibility that an article of clothing, such as a pair of jockey shorts, could start self-cleaning while still on a person, causing some seriously unfortunate incidents involving burns in intimate places. Anyway, it's an idea worth looking into.
(Note: After reading the last paragraph, we at the Tribune have resolved to make sure Jimmy starts taking his medication again. It's apparent he has stopped taking his pills. We'll get to the bottom of this. We apologize. Be very afraid. -Ed.)
If you haven't guessed by now, it is time for me to do the laundry again, and I am extremely bitter. I am down to my last clean articles of clothing, and it has be seriously peeved.
There are two types of people in the world: The people who start dressing poorly when they need to do laundry, and the people who start dressing nicely when they need to do the wash. I fall in the former category. You can tell I have to do laundry when I start wearing my old college dorm T-shirts, which were cool when I was in college but now just serve to make me look like a major dork.
A co-worker of mine is firmly in the latter category. She normally dresses well, usually wearing pants. But the other day, she arrived at work in an absolutely beautiful dress. It turns out she must not have any old dorm T-shirts, because she explained that she was not dressed up for any event, but rather almost every other article of clothing she owned was dirty. I thank God she did laundry that night; if she hadn't, I think she probably would have showed up to work next day in her wedding dress.
Anyway, I have to go now. It appears that a group of pharmacists, being led by the Tribune's editor, have busted down my front door. I need to go see what this is all about.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who recently survived a near tragedy which occurred when he tried to clean his laundry in his self-cleaning oven. His (Jimmy's, not the self cleaning oven's) column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.