March 11, 2003
Times are tough in the United States right now. Our economy is in the tank, with millions of people out of work. Terrorism remains on our collective mind as terror alerts and Al Qaeda references top our news reports. Seemingly every level of government is talking about budget cuts and the harm that could come to our public services as a result. And we're on the brink of a war that could send our bravest men and women into harm's way.
Well, it's good to that despite all this, Americans can still get excited about an enormous Cheeto.
If you haven't heard about the enormous Cheeto, let me fill you in, using a CNN story as my guide (it may be read at www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/internet/03/05/offbeat.big.cheeto/index.html). And let me emphasize that nobody could ever take enough funky drugs to make something like this up.
Anyway, here's what happened: A dude named Mike Evans, a 41-year-old Navy petty officer, was snorking down a bag of Cheetos recently when he discovered a Cheeto "the size of a small lemon" that weighed "about half an ounce."
Of course, he did what any good American circa 2003 would do: He put the Cheeto up for auction on eBay.
And America went wild. This, according to the CNN.com story:
Radio stations from around the country interviewed Evans, a Gulf War
veteran stationed in Pearl Harbor who patiently explained that he bought the
bag of Cheetos for his 3-year-old son. Giant Cheeto T-shirts and Cheeto puppet
auctions sprung up online. And pranksters bid up the Cheeto into the millions
of dollars -- so much that eBay cancelled the sale and a frustrated Evans
donated the Cheeto to a good cause: a sleepy farming community in Iowa.
OK, let's analyze this for a second. Looking at the facts:
-- A Cheeto machine somewhere malfunctions and produces something that most of us would get upset about, resulting in us demanding our money back.
-- Instead, a guy takes this something and puts it up for auction.
-- People see this and think, "Gee, the world needs giant Cheeto T-shirts!"
-- I am not EVEN going to discuss whatever the hell "Cheeto puppet auctions" are.
-- Online bidders falsely claim that they would pay millions for this something, making me wish that eBay bids were illegally binding. Can you imagine what a hoot it would be to see armed federal agents show up at a bidder's house, with the lemon-sized Cheeto in tow, and tell the stunned bidder: "YOU OWE US $6 MILLION. Here's your Cheeto."
-- And then, to top it all off, a town takes the donated Cheeto to help its economy.
It turns out that the town's residents legitimately bid $180 for the Cheeto -- frightening, ain't it -- and when Evaans learned of this, he decided to give it to them for free. The $180 raised, along with another $100 from Frito Lay, went to a food bank.
Anyway. back to the CNN.com story:
The folks in Algona, Iowa -- a one-movie-theater town with 5,970
residents -- can hardly wait to get their hands on the giant Cheeto. They plan
to shellac it, lay it on plush velvet and put it under Plexiglas. "This
giant Cheeto could be a boon to our local economy," said Tom Straub, owner
of Algona's Sister Sarah's Bar. "Anything we can do to attract visitors to
our town would be good."
Holy crap. How do you think the kids of Algona, Iowa will feel growing up in a town whose claim to fame is that they have a giant, shellacked Cheeto sitting on a piece of velvet? Sheesh. And you thought kids growing up in a place called "Winnemucca" had it bad.
Well, at least this story has a happy ending. Algona's got the prized Cheeto. Evans is a hero. And Frito Lay has gotten oodles of free publicity because, according to the story, "some of the cheddar seasoning in the company's machines built up and plopped out in a big blob that sneaked past inspectors."
Amen!
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation in exile in Arizona who wonders if
the words "Cheeto" and "shellac" had ever been used in the
same sentence before this happened. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and
he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.