November 11, 2003
What is wrong with people these days? And by people, I mean writers? And by writers, I mean BAD writers?
This weekend, I went to see the film, "Runaway Jury." All in all, it was a good film, well-acted and entertaining, except for the fact the film had several holes large enough to drive a Buick through.
At one point, John Cusack -- who plays a man who gets on the jury for a large civil case against gun manufacturers and tries to sway the jury with the help of his girlfriend -- gets a beeper message during deliberations. This would not be allowed in a normal case, let alone a multi-million-dollar civil action in which the jury is sequestered. At another point, he sneaks away from the heavily guarded hotel where he and the rest of the jurors are sequestered by jumping over a wall -- a wall that would be damn near impossible to scale without sheriff's deputies noticing.
Dumb. So dumb, in fact, it made me want to flick Junior Mints at John Cusack's head. Thankfully, I'd eaten all of them already.
While my impulse was to flick delicious chocolate-mint candies at John Cusack, it wasn't his fault. No, it was the fault of the writers of the film's screenplay, all of whom should be forced to take Junior Mints as suppositories. I mean, would it have been hard to write the film differently so it wasn't this stupid? Design the hotel differently. Find a different way for Cusack's character to get the beeper message. Make Gene Hackman shave that damn beard.
And this is NOT the only example of bad writing I've seen lately. I know this is a just a typo, but it was the HEADLINE of an AP story sent out yesterday:
Poll: Alabamians believe not enogh spent on education
Enogh?
Want an example closer to home? This was a headline in the Las Vegas Sun in July 2002: "Navada schools to get extra $22 million in federal funds."
This leads to our lesson for journalists today: If you're writing a headline, check the damn spelling, ESPECIALLY IF IT HAS TO DO WITH EDUCATION.
So, what to do with all this bad writing? Well, if you're the folks from San Jose State University, you encourage people to CREATE MORE OF IT.
Every year, the folks at SJSU's Department of English hold the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. This is named after Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, a renowned writer who started his "Paul Clifford" in 1830 with the infamous phrase, "It was a dark and stormy night ..." The contest asks people to write the worst possible opening sentence to an imaginary novel. (The contest Web site is http://www.bulwer-lytton.com.
And the results are frightening.
This is this year's winner, penned by Mariann Sims of Wetumpka, Ala.:
They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white … Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.
This is bad. However, I thought some of the runners-up were better, or worse, or whatever. This entry, the winner of the adventure category, from Cindy Erickson Gilman of Mission Viejo, Calif., made me shoot tea out my nose.
It wasn't the desolate remoteness of the campsite that bothered him, or even the terrifying roar of the rapids beating themselves against solid granite below, so much as the eerie sound of pigs squealing in the distance and the fact that, in this light, cousin Billy looked disturbingly like Ned Beatty.
Then there's this, a dishonorable mention from Sian Arthur of London:
When the time came for Timothy to fly the nest, he felt the best years of his life were ahead of him, if only because he had spent the childhood ones living in a nest.
Excellently bad. Now, if only the "Runaway Jury" folks had cast Ned Beatty in the film …
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona who once accidentally wrote "crap" in a restaurant review when he meant "crab." Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.