Today, I am going to do something that I have never done before, not even while under the influence of serious, mind-altering pain killers: I am actually going to say something complimentary about George W. Bush.
Let's pause for a moment to let my editors to recover from their heart palpitations brought on by that shocking revelation. In the meantime, I will do something more predictable, and talk about what a complete and total idiot that Attorney General John Ashcroft is.
I have been skeptical of John Ashcroft ever since he hit the national political scene by losing his U.S. Senate race to a dead person. Despite claiming to be a conservative, less-government kind of Republican dude, he continues to do several things that violate what it traditionally means to be a conservative, less-government kind of Republican dude:
1. He tries to get the government involved more and more in people's lives by imposing his moral views all over the place.
2. He's been treating the Constitution like a used Kleenex, using Sept. 11 as an excuse to invade privacy and keep government documents secret.
Whatever. His latest brilliant maneuver was to cover up a half-nude statue in the Justice Department's Great Hall that has stood, uncovered, since 1936.
Really. At an expense of $7,900, the government paid to put blue drapes over "Spirit of Justice" and her toga-wearing boyfriend, "Majesty of Law."
Shortly after this happened and was pointed out by ABC News, the Justice Department jumped to defend this act of prudishness. The change was made, according to what a Justice Department spokesperson told The Washington Post, NOT because of a naked hooter, but because the attorney general's office was holding press conferences there, and blue drapes make for a better backdrop than a metallic breast.
The spokeswoman also claimed Ashcroft had nothing to do with the cover-up, because: "He has bigger things to worry about than draping statues."
I'll buy the fact that Ashcroft should have bigger things to worry about, but I think the rest of this is a big, stupid lie. Many wars and many press conferences have occurred since 1936; why the sudden need to cover up the statues? Why not hold press conferences elsewhere?
John Ashcroft and his cronies need to get lives and get out of everyone else's. And, for crying out loud, don't spend $8,000 of government money for something stupid like this ever again.
OK, now that I have vented about what a cretin John Ashcroft is, I will now move onto the promised niceties about the man who became president even though he finished second and has issues saying coherent complete sentences in public.
During the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics, George W. Bush was on hand to officially open the games. And he did so in the classiest of ways: He sat in the stands with the United States Olympic athletes.
NBC's cameras even caught him chatting it up with some of the athletes, including one female athlete (President Bill Clinton's attorneys never would have allowed this to happen, fearing what Clinton would grab) who handed Bush a cell phone, presumably to surprise the hell out of a loved one. I imagine the conversation went something like this:
Athlete: Mom! Guess who I am sitting next to?
Mom: I don't know. For the love of God, I hope it's not one of the members of the curling team.
Athlete: No. Listen!
Bush: Hello! This is George W. Bush. I am sitting in the stands and having a fantasticuous time!
All Bush-coherency jokes aside, this was a classy move by Bush. It was patriotic without being obnoxious, and it sent a message to the world about the security of the games. I tip my hat to the president.
Now, if George W. Bush would just something about his attorney general's rampant idiocy, I would be REALLY impressed ...
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who has gotten crankier since he became a full-time political writer. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.