I really don't care if you're having that 'not so fresh' feeling

I realized I'd had enough a few days ago.

After a hard day of work, I trudged home, fell on the couch and started watching the news. They were talking about something like Saddam Hussein or Newt Gingrich or oral sex; I can't remember exactly what it was. Then Dan Rather said something, there was cheesy music, and they went to a commercial.

I was not paying real close to attention to the TV, but what I heard next was enough to jolt me from my semi-consciousness.

"I just HATE taking all these pills for my genital herpes problem!" some woman said.

I spit out the milk that I had just taken a sip of, unprepared for a frank discussion on genital herpes in my living room at that moment. I then sat, half-amazed, as these people extolled the virtues of some damn drug that made genital herpes like a blessing or something.

It was then, I realized I'd had enough of people giving me "too much information" (TMI). I am sorry, but if genital herpes is an issue with somebody, that's fine. Just do not make me listen to commercials about it -- especially if the person whose image I have in my head is Dan Rather.

My irritation at TMI has been building for a while. It started years ago, when there was that horrible commercial where two women -- an older one and a younger one -- strolled along a beach during sunset. Of course, because such things happen all the time, the younger one turns to the other one, and says: "Mom, have you ever had that... not so fresh feeling?"

What I would have liked to happen next, more than anything else, would have been for Mom to stop and knock her daughter into a nice, big pile of sea gull doo, and then scream: "HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT FOR A NOT SO FRESH FEELING, YOU WEIRDO?????"

But no. That did not happen. Instead, Mom replied like it was the most wonderful thing she had ever heard out of her daughter's mouth. "Why YES!" she beamed. And then, to top off this wholly unnecessary dialogue, she started talking about using douche.

I wonder if either of them also had a genital herpes problem. It would have served them right.

Since this landmark in advertising, TMI has been getting worse; just turn on TV and wait for the commercials, and I guarantee you'll run across some information you probably did not want to hear. They have commercials for baldness medications that say the medication has "certain sexual side affects." Joan Lunden is prancing around talking about her allergies. And Bob Dole... oh my, I do not even want to thing about Bob Dole.

For those of you who are eating, put down the food, sit down and prepare for ickiness city: Bob Dole is now officially hawking Viagra.

This was a big news item a week or so ago. Bob Dole -- former presidential candidate, war hero, and Senate leader -- is going to be a spokesperson for a stiffy pill. I can't wait for those commercials (please note the sarcasm).

"Hi! I am Bob Dole. A few years back, there was a time that I could not pleasure my lovely wife, Elizabeth. She'd come home from a hard day at the Red Cross wanting the "Dole banana," if you know what I mean (Bob winks at the camera). And I couldn't give it to her.

"But NOW, with Viagra, Lizzie and I have more sex than those kids on 'Dawson's Creek!' I can't made sudden turns walking around the house, because I knock things over! Elizabeth is so fulfilled, she wants to run for president! Woo hoo! There is gonna be another hornball in the White House! At the Dole household, we don't wait until November for 'erection night!'"

Talk about TMI. The thought of Bob Dole having sex is wrong, very wrong. And, quite frankly, it is going to be hard to take Elizabeth Dole seriously as a presidential candidate (should she run) with her husband hawking Viagra every other second.

I think it's time that the networks agree to put a warning label on all advertisements with TMI. That way, we have warning. I know I would appreciate it if, after Dan Rather and the cheesy music, there was an announcer saying: "WARNING. BOB DOLE IS ABOUT TO COME OUT AND TALK ABOUT ERECTIONS WHILE HIS WIFE WANDERS AROUND ON A BEACH WITH JANET RENO DISCUSSING "FRESHNESS." IMMEDIATELY TURN OFF YOUR TV AND GO HIDE IN A CORNER FOR SEVERAL YEARS. THANK YOU."

It is something that should be seriously discussed immediately. Those Bob Dole ads could be on at any moment, you know.

Jimmy Boegle, a fifth-generation Nevadan, hopes William Safire is not embarrassed to be on the same page as him this week. Jimmy's column appears Tuesdays in the Tribune; he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@alumni.stanford.org.