If you've been following the news from Carson City, you know how fun and festive the final days of the 2001 Legislature were.
Our elected representatives, showing the kind of organization that would make the West Palm Beach, Fla. voting commission proud, acted like complete idiots. They haphazardly amended bills in the final minutes. They totally forgot to vote on several important bills. Meanwhile, they violated the state Constitution twice: by going past 120 days in the session, and by failing to get reapportionment dealt with before the first post-census session was over.
Therefore, Gov. Kenny Guinn had to call a special session of the Legislature for this Thursday. However, he wants to limit the length of the session to 24 hours, apparently forgetting that a hurried time limit helped CAUSE ALL THESE PROBLEMS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I feel very blessed by all these actions. It's as if the Legislature, by acting like major dolts, was throwing a bone to all of this state's humor columnists. And I didn't even lobby for this government handout.
Anyway, after the special session is over -- and the oodles of lawsuits that will surely be filed as a result of these constitutional blunders are settled -- there will be one major result: Northern Nevada will suffer.
There is a special word, specifically a verb, that perfectly describes what Southern Nevada legislators are doing to the rest of this state. It starts with an "f," and is not appropriate to use in a family publication such as This Fine Newspaper. Therefore, I will use the word "Perkins" as substitute.
Boy, is the south Perkinsing the north.
While it has not yet conclusively been decided, it appears the current size of the Legislature will stay at 63 members between the Senate and the Assembly. With reapportionment, this means the north and rural areas will lose quite a few seats, which will all go to the out-of-control Las Vegas area.
Before the start of the Legislature, some lawmakers supported adding enough seats so that no areas would lose representatives. But this would have majorly Perkinsed things up, as it would require massive remodeling, etc. to accommodate Nevada's rapidly swelling legislative body (sounds like Oprah during a bad month, doesn't it?). Even more lawmakers supported a second plan that would expand the Legislature by a handful of seats. This would mean the northern and rural areas would lose a few, but not as many, seats to the south, and it would spare major remodeling costs, etc.
This second plan is what many northern legislators are pushing for. But the southern lawmakers, apparently unconcerned that northerners have ample bodies to serve them in our democracy (yeah, I know it's technically a "republic," but big Perkinsing deal), are fighting tooth-and-nail to keep the number at 63. And while the north and rural areas still have some powerful dudes and dudettes representing them, the south has LOTS of dudes and dudettes representing them.
In other words, the north is Perkinsed.
And here's something scary: With Las Vegas still growing like a prostitute's revenue stream at a Tailhook Convention, it's just going to get worse.
We here in the north need to do something. I know what you're thinking: Let's blow up Las Vegas. While I think we can all agree that this idea has its merits, it is ultimately not practical, since this could result in people such as Wayne Newton and Siegfried and Roy moving to Northern Nevada. And I KNOW we all agree that is highly unnecessary.
Therefore, I have a radical proposal: Let's split Nevada into two states, North Nevada and Southern Nevada. Heck, we could even split it into three states: Southern Nevada (Clark County), Northern Nevada (Carson City and Washoe County) and Central Nevada (the rest). That way, everyone would have ample representation, and all of the non-northern legislators would be thrilled to NOT have to live in Carson City for six months every two years.
I think this is a great idea. I will now go call my state senator.
That is, if I still have one.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who has always thought the 120-day session is a stupid idea. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.